can you spouses help me understand this?

I am a patient and am having a hard time understanding my spouse. I'm hoping some of you can help me. We've been married for 17 years. When I was gaining weight, he would say hurtful things a lot and threatened to leave me because of it. I finally got tired of that and told him that I would rather him leave than continue the verbal abuse. He decided to stay and did quit saying hurtful things to me. Instead, he changed his approach and began acting very concerned about my health. He said the only reason he wanted me to lose weight was so I would live longer and he was afraid I would die too soon if I didn't do something. He said that was all he wanted all along and he was just saying the hurtful things because he thought it would motivate me not hurt me. Sorry - long story..... Anyway, now that I have had the WLS and have lost 60 lbs. (80 more to go), I am a lot healthier (no more HBP, high cholesterol, GERD, or high blood sugar!) and am looking a lot better! He makes comments all the time now about how much better I look and even sort of brags to our friends about how good I am looking. My problem is this..... after all the history with him, I can not bring myself to be happy with his attitude or appreciate it. It just makes me angry! He hasn't said one word about how much healthier I am or how glad he is that I will live longer - something he USED to say he cared very much about. How do I get over it and just accept his compliments? I don't want to be one of those WLS patients who leaves their spouses. I need to address this now before I get any thinner! Thanks for any and all input!! Ronda

Ronda, I know how you feel, my husband is always saying something smart about my weight!! I get so angry and feel like lashing out, we have been married 25 yrs. Now I will have my surgery in October and he is saying, I dont know why you are having the surgery because you know you like to eat!! And today my sister told me she hopes I dont lose too much and end up looking weird...Im already nervous and on edge about this coming up I dont need and negative vibes, back to you, Sorry about that, just wanted to let you know I know how you feel.

Thanks Kay, Sometimes I think I use this board to just vent. Thanks for "listening" and empathizing. I thought I would share something with you that some other's on the main board shared with me in case it helps you too. "We all have serious baggage around our weight issues, and we are able to unpack it physically much more quickly than mentally. And while we are trying to unpack, others may be inadvertently stuffing our suitcases ." I thought that was a neat, succinct way to put it. You and I also have to remember that we did (or are going to do) this WLS for US and not for anyone else! I guess I'm having a better day today than I was when I posted the original post. I did talk to my husband and I was very honest about how I felt. He said the right things and now I do feel a little better. Then on Sunday, I turned on the TV and heard a preacher who was talking about letting go of past hurts and moving on. I was like .... ok ok I got the message! Anyway, I wish you all the best and am sending you positive vibes - do you feel it? I am still so grateful for this surgery and have never regretted it for one second! I just have to realize that some people will never "get it" - oh well.... Good Luck with your surgery - keep me posted on how you're doing. Ronda

There is no doubt about it. We men can be insensitive jerks. While I don't agree with the approach, he probably thought that he was motivating you by being hurtful. Talk to him. Tell him what you are feeling. You are not the only one going through changes now. I know it's hard but try to take what he says NOW at face value and let the past stuff go. You know the old saying, "When you dig up the past all you get is dirty." I wish you both well.

You're right Bill. I have talked to him since this post and he was very kind and sensitive about the whole thing. He is really trying hard to change, I have to give him that. I've decided that what I need to do is to pray for change in my unforgiving heart! Thanks for your encouraging words. Ronda

MY HUSBAND SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE YOURS AND HE SAID THE SAME THING TO ME ABOUT MY WEIGHT THAT HE WAS GOING TO LEAVE AND I SAID GO ON IF THATS HOW YOU FEEL I DONT NEED YOU ANYWAY BECAUSE IT HURTS SO BAD AND MY SELFESTEEM WAS SO LOW THAT HE MADE ME BELIEVE THAT I WAS OVERWEIGHT BECAUSE I WONTED TO BE HE SAID HE WAS TRYING TO GET ME TO LOSE WEIGHT FOR MY HEALTH BUT ITS SO HARD TO GET OVER THE HURT.SO I HAVE SURGERY NOV,4 AND I DONT WHAT WILL HAPPEN WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 26 YEARS AND I LOVE HIM WITH ALL MY HEART BUT HES NOT REALLY WITH ME ON THIS OR HE SAID THAT I THINK ITS THE EASY WAY FOR ME AND REALLY WE KNOW THATS A JOKE RIGHT HA!HA! BUT ANYWAY MAYBE HE DOESN"T MEAN IT I REALLY DONT KNOW BUT ANYWAY I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST.

I'm so sorry, Delora! I can obviously empathize with you. I have really gone through a lot of psychological changes since my surgery 6 months ago (not to mention I've lost 80 lbs!). I decided that to make my marraige work (and I was committed to that), I was going to have to find a way to forgive and move on. It is not coming easily but has gotten better. The biggest help for me has been my personal relationship with God. He and I have had A LOT of conversations about this and he is working me through it. I've been extremely open with my husband since my post and shared all those yucky feelings with him. I'm very fortunate that He finally saw what damage he had done, how much it hurt me, and is trying hard to change as well. My wish for you is that the surgery you have in Nov. will change your life for the better as much as it has for me! It has truly been a miracle but it has taken a good 6 months to get there. Don't expect miracles overnight. I think once your husband sees what you have to do to get your health back, he'll start to have more respect for you. Is there any way you could get him to a support group meeting or get him to read this website a little or something? His attitude might change if he just educated himself a little about your predicament. Thanks for your reply, Delora. I truly wish you the best in Nov. !! Ronda

Ronda, My situation is similar to yours...my SO has been after me to lose weight, but when it stopped after 134lbs lost I became frustrated and quit working out so hard. I had WLS in July and it took him quite awhile to realize it was my decision, and I decided it was the best option for me. He almost left me as well and had an "emotional affair" w/someone who was physically more attractive to him than I am while overweight. I'm going to counseling and church to work on my forgiveness for the hurt and anger I've felt over the betrayal of our committment, because I wasn't able to do it on my own. Unfortunately, he's still very resentful and angry with me...he says if I'd kept working out..and done more of it, I would have been at goal by now, even without surgery. He doesn't compliment me, unless I ask him if he can see a difference in the way I look. I don't think our situation is going to get much better until he lets go of the past as well. He's not interested in being intimate w/me....not even kissing and I believe he's withholding because of his anger at me. Anyway, I'm hopeful things will turn around for me as well. From your later posts, it appears things are better for you, and I'm happy for you. I guess we just need to take each day as it comes and not look to the past. Best Wishes to you! Michele