How do I stop this!!

My husband has been approved for the surgery by insurance, but I don't think he needs it!! He is technically at a 38 BMI, but is well proportioned. He has always been a bigger guy, but he has a big frame, so it looks good on him. He doesn't have any current health issues. (He has slightly elevated Cholesterol, but only 212) He has no problems because of his weight. He has no pain or problems moving. We have 3 boys and I fear this is a HUGE mistake. He is a very happy, fun loving guy and a great dad. I fear the surgery will affect all of our relationships with him. I fear he is going to be incredibly unhappy with the restrictions. I believe the surgery can be a great thing for many people whose daily lives are affected by their weight, but he is not one of them!!I have conveyed my concerns, but he is so set on this surgery I can't get thru to him. We meet with his surgeon this week. Any ideas on questions to ask the doctor that my help with my fears, or any way to talk my husband out of this. PLEASE HELP!!

Perhaps you should resign yourself to the fact that it is his life. He sounds like a reasonable guy, but sometimes all you can offer someone you love is support, and trust that they will make the right decisions. Perhaps someone here has a suggestion on how to help someone like yourself gain some understanding. If you're worried about relationship issues, I believe the worst thing you can do is to be so non-supportive at this point.

If he is truely not a candidate, hopefully the surgeon will say so. I feel for you. Debbie(Steve's wife)

The way insurance comapnies are, its hard to see why they would ok his surgury if it were not needed or there were not a least a couply co-morbities already at work. Heck there turning people down left and right *****ally do need it. Anyway, you say he is a happy guy. If he is searchiing to have this surgury done theer is some part of him that is not all that happy with his life as it now is. When you both see the surgon you will have all the risks laid out in a cold fact like way. Just hear what your husband says when he talks to the surgon.

Hi Sharon: It sounds like you are really scared here. I think it is a GREAT idea that you are seeking advice here on the OH message boards. There is a wealth of information to be found here. I have to tell you, once someone has made the decision to have this surgery and they've done all their research, their mind is probably made up. I doubt you could change it. My husband couldn't change my mind. He knew how much this meant to me. The one thing that helped him understand this surgery was coming here and reading posts, doing research in other areas of the web and coming to support group meetings with me and my consult with the surgeon. I am glad to hear that you are going to see the surgeon with your husband. You might want to write down some questions that you can ask the surgeon yourself. I can almost guarantee that after that meeting, you will feel better about your husbands decision. Hang in there Sharon, I know you will keep strong. Your husband needs you to keep strong! Good luck and ask as many questions as you need. You can also email me directly if you'd like! Tara

Sharon, My SO was similar to you....he did not think I needed surgery. He thought it was very drastic and the lifestyle would be limiting. He believed that since I'd already lost 134lbs on my own, I could and should do the rest w/out surgery. He finally came around, and realized I was the only person who could decide if it was right for me. He could offer input, but it was ultimately my decision and after educating himself about the surgery and what to really expect afterward, he became very supporting of it. From talking with others, I realized he was acting out of fear. But the other poster is right...once someone has done their research and has decided to do this, it would be very unlikely they would change their mind. Please consider...your husband wants this for HIM....and that's really who he needs to do it for. You may think he looks and acts healthy, but you may not have any idea of how HE really feels about being a "bigger guy". I'm sorry...but your concern seems to be more focused on you, not him....as in how this surgery is going to affect you, and your kids. Yes, this should be considered, but I can tell you from my own experience....getting the weight down improves everything! Sure, the first few months it's an adjustment and he may not be quite up to speed due to being a little bit lower in his energy level, but after that....life is grand! Love him and support him.....that will allow him to be successful at this. Knowing you're against it and unsupportive will only make it harder on him. And make it harder on your marriage. Best Wishes to you both! Michele

Speaking as a person who was over weight for a long time without any apparent health problems....... sometimes the problems are there and the spouse doesn't have any idea about them. I endured chest pains for over a year before my husband had any idea about them. I was lucky that they turned out to respiratory instead of cardiac. He may also be keeping quiet about knee and hip pain, other problems and may even deny them if you ask him. My husband had a major heart attack and convinced himself it was gas. If someone hadn't walked in and found him unable to talk, he wouldn't be here today. Then when they had him in ICU they had given him medicine, and he should not have been feeling pain any longer. They kept asking him, and he kept saying "no, no pain, I am ok" But he was groaning and squirming around the bed some between nurses visits. I told the nurse, she got worried, and inisisted that he tell her about any pain. He was scheduled for an angiogram the next day. They found over 70% blockage in his heart. (Pain meant it wasn't just a clot or chunk of plaque blocking an artery in his heart.) If we had not been in a local hospital where they let you sit with patient in ICU all night, he would have been sent home the next day. He would undoubtedly have had another heart attack within days and died. As it was, the cardiologist kept him off work a full year, and finally decided if he hadn't died yet, he wasn't going to, and let him return to work. I know your situation is different, and I am not trying to scare you, but maybe your husband is really concerned about his health, and wants to prevent leaving his family--- before his time. Also, your health can go south due in a relatively short time period.... all due to weight. If you asked the people around me, I have always been healthy and weight has never caused me problems........ but you can't always tell by looking on the outside. It may be better to have the surgery thus preventing a decline in health --which would make the surgery much more risky.