Spouse afraid of being left behind after there is an new you?

My husband has some slight reservations about me having this surgery....He says he loves me just the way that I am and will always love me no matter what I look like.....But it isn't so much about my appearance at this point, I am not doing this for vanity........(well maybe just a little) but for my health and my overall physical condition. I was just wondering if anyone elses spouses, had given them any inclinations toward this??

Hi Carrie. My wife also had some concerns but was there for me through the tough times and now the good ones. This surgery is something you shouldn't do alone. And it only made me realize how lucky I am to have her and I tell her so every day. In the shape I was in she might not of had me long anyway. The surgery only lengthened our time together regardless of what the future holds.

Hi Carrie, My mom has the same reservations esp since I have a little girl that could be left behind. I have gotten a little scared myself. B

Toddra, I understand your mother's concerns because I had the same concerns for my husband, but my biggest concerns were in his severe sleep apnea, his high blood pressure that he has to take 3 medications for, and his bronchitis that creeps up on him from time to time....all due to his weight. Once I weighed the pros and cons of the surgery, I realized that he would be better to have the surgery and increase his chance of being around for us longer.

Hi Carrie: Mine has also expressed concerns, but he realizes that I am not healthy at this weight and want the surgery primarily to improve my overall health. He felt much better after he went with me to a couple of support group meetings and met the Doctor. Now, he is very supportive and has actually booked a cruise for us both for Feb 2005 as both a reward and incentive to help me along. Good luck to you in your journey, and just keep reassuring hubby that everything will be even better than it is now. You'll do fine. Faye

Carrie, In case you haven't read my post yet, I was left behind. My wife had the surgery in March of 2003. I also loved her not for the way she looked but what was inside. As she lost weight she started turning into a different person. As she got down to where she wanted to be weight wise, she lost 140lbs, she got the ok for a "tuck" and had it scheduled for this past Tuesday. 4/13. To make a long story short, 4 weeks ago to this day she told me she was leaving me. She informed my children that they were not to contact her anymore. She even had the tuck surgery under a false name so we could not check on her. I got phone calls from a "male" voice telling me not to show up at the hospital or there would be trouble. I found out she did have another man in her life before she said she was leaving. She went to Canada with him to meet "his" children and thinks they are great. So much for me and our kids. Mine and "MY" kids lives have been a living hell ever since she left. Is this the effect this surgery has on people? And that's my story.

I had my surgery in August 2003 and currently have lost over 100 pounds . My spouse has gotten to the point where he has to know where I am at at all times, who I am talking to, where I am going and with whom am I going with. He doesn't want anyone looking at me. I had a party for him at Dave and Busters for his birthday and I had to speak with the manager because I was the host. Later he accused me of flirting with the manager of Dave and Busters. To make a long story short ---I asked him for a divorce... I do not need the stress in my life. Before having the surgery the doctor gave me a pamplet on the fact that if your marriage is strong it will survive but if it is not strong it will not survive.......So I guess mine was very unsable

wow randy, that is so painful.... you must be completely devastated, I know I would be... and your children too... I am so sorry for your loss... but from the way it sounds she was a selfish selfish thoughtless person after all was said and done and you and your children will be so much better off without her if she is going to be that way... None of what we say on this board will take away your heart ache... you have a long road ahead of you... please try and focus on your kids right now, keep your heart open (at least keep it cracked to let the sun shine in)... and keep talking... we are all here for you... thanks for sharing... your words of wisdom will be heeded... I have always been overweight as most people on this board... I had a holocostic childhood and can never remember feeling pretty in my life except for 1 year in college... so losing all this weight and the plastic surgery afterwards could really be a powerful diversion into someone I dont want to become... thank you for the warnings! As far as you are concerned... I will definitely keep you in my prayers... He saw what she did.... don't even think she is getting away with anything... yours and your childrens cries are on His agenda... try to keep your chin up especially for your kids... My mom and dad were alcoholics, violent, horrible horrible parents who left me and my little brother orphaned... selfish selfish people... believe me... your kids are doubting their worth right now and need you to love them... keep in touch with all of us!!

Randy, I wanted you to know I have been following your story and felt it was time to stop lurking and say what I felt. First of all, I am so sorry for your loss...No words I could write could possible make you feel better. The fact that your wife also wants no contact with your children makes no sense to me at all. My kids are my life, and I cannot breathe without them. Do you mind if I ask how old your children are? I am pre op, and hoping to have surgery in a few months. (see profile for details) I have been married for almost 20 years, and ten of those years have been very unhappy. To be truthful, I cannot even imagine staying in this marriage if things do not change. However, I cannot help but know living with a morbidly obese person could not have been easy on my husband all of these years either. I am hoping that this weight loss will give us the boost we need, even though I have been told multiple times it does not work that way. I just feel like with all of the invested years, it is worth a shot. I have lost massive amounts of weight a couple of times since I have been married, and I will say that my husband did change toward me after I lost weight. He was not as angry, more responsive to my needs, he acted like I mattered. Now, he does not. What the verbal/emotional and sometimes physical abuse has done is cause damage inside me that I cannot seem to get over. My feelings toward him have changed. His abusive tirades have damaged me to the point that I am not sure I can have a normal married relationship with this man. I can see why the stats say if there was trouble already, WLS marriages will not survive the surgery. I think that many times, overweight people tend to put up with abuse and garbage that a normal sized person would never put up with. It is a shame that because of being overweight, we do not always take care of who we are inside. I know that I haven't. I have changed a lot over the last couple of years without even having surgery, so I can only imagine that will continue. However, I could never imagine myself changing in a negative way. That being said, I cannot imagine ever throwing away a wonderful man who has stood by me through many things. I believe your wife has some deep seeded things concerning self esteem that may have caused her to act the way she has. I wonder if she was harboring feelings inside that you were not aware of, and WLS gave her the courage to act on those. Unfortunately, I have friends that have lost a lot of weight w/out weight loss surgery, and their response was the same as your wife's was. My heart goes out to you and your children. Please know that I am here if you need a shoulder.