Concerns about husband
I had RNY in 2006, was 298 now stay around 150. I have had my follow up health issues (severe anemia) and have had some reconstruction done (tummy and breasts). I feel that I am just now coming into the NEW me. I know that my physical appearance doesn't completely define me as a person, but I have to say for being almost 40 I look damn good and other people notice.... I am proud of my appearance now (probably for the first time in my life) and although I had surgery to lose my weight and correct parts of me, I also know that everyday I make the conscious decision and effort to look and feel the way I do.
My husband has always been middle of the road with this... He married me when I was overweight, we were overweight together... During the prep for my surgery he was also dieting to stay in the military. He never said anything negative about my having my surgeries, but in my opinion has never been really supportive either. I dont recall him ever saying I look good or commenting on my weightloss.
My struggle now is that he has let himself go since leaving the military. Him being a few years younger than me, I have pointed out that the weight will all off a sudden become a problem to his health, which it seems to be lately. I understand that losing weight is a battle and a struggle for anyone, thats why I chose to have surgery... I also respect that it is his choice not to have surgery as it is a lifetime commitment to a roll of the dice...
Lately I feel that he resents me for my weightloss, that he is not supportive of my choices anymore and that he is not attracted to me... I feel unappreciated and feel that he is supressing me, making me feel unattractive. I am to the point that I have given up on trying to get his attention anymore...seems the only time he is actually interested is when we are around other men who may be interested too...kinda staking his territory???
I also feel at the same time that he is becoming less attractive to me, as I see him denying his weight issue and not making any adjustments to change it. His biggest issue is drinking beer in which I have noticed lately that he seems to polish off at least a 6 pack a night...(my daily calorie consumption??) Aside from that, I seem to be at a point in my life where my kids are no longer babies and I'm not ashamed of how I look and have energy so I want to do more...
I hate to chalk my marriage up to statistics, but I almost feel that is where we are headed...
My husband has always been middle of the road with this... He married me when I was overweight, we were overweight together... During the prep for my surgery he was also dieting to stay in the military. He never said anything negative about my having my surgeries, but in my opinion has never been really supportive either. I dont recall him ever saying I look good or commenting on my weightloss.
My struggle now is that he has let himself go since leaving the military. Him being a few years younger than me, I have pointed out that the weight will all off a sudden become a problem to his health, which it seems to be lately. I understand that losing weight is a battle and a struggle for anyone, thats why I chose to have surgery... I also respect that it is his choice not to have surgery as it is a lifetime commitment to a roll of the dice...
Lately I feel that he resents me for my weightloss, that he is not supportive of my choices anymore and that he is not attracted to me... I feel unappreciated and feel that he is supressing me, making me feel unattractive. I am to the point that I have given up on trying to get his attention anymore...seems the only time he is actually interested is when we are around other men who may be interested too...kinda staking his territory???
I also feel at the same time that he is becoming less attractive to me, as I see him denying his weight issue and not making any adjustments to change it. His biggest issue is drinking beer in which I have noticed lately that he seems to polish off at least a 6 pack a night...(my daily calorie consumption??) Aside from that, I seem to be at a point in my life where my kids are no longer babies and I'm not ashamed of how I look and have energy so I want to do more...
I hate to chalk my marriage up to statistics, but I almost feel that is where we are headed...
My wife had the gastric bypass in 2010 and went from 484 to aprox 22 or 230 and still loosing. I always tell her that she looks great. when we net she was aprox 300. I always tell her I love her not only the inside but the outside as well. she had a gf tell her she shouldnt loose to much because I may leave, I said even if she dropped to 100 I would not leave.
See my husband has never made any comments about how I look or my weight loss... He is obese also and I have respected his choice to attempt to lose weight through diet and exercise because I know it is an individual choice to have surgery.
Let me revert about the comments... He hasnt made any positive comments...I have been struggling with depression and anxiety lately, probably due to the tension that we have in our relationship. And Ive been taking a med (changed now) that made me gain about 5 pounds and bloat some... He made a comment about my having gained some weight, and not in a good way.
Let me revert about the comments... He hasnt made any positive comments...I have been struggling with depression and anxiety lately, probably due to the tension that we have in our relationship. And Ive been taking a med (changed now) that made me gain about 5 pounds and bloat some... He made a comment about my having gained some weight, and not in a good way.
That's very rude of him!! Sounds like he's feeling jealous, insecure & hostile with his words. I get it. Imagine if we were in our husbands shoes. Your husband is probably paranoid everyday that you're going to leave him because you're a new you, a better, healthier, more attractive version of the old you. I completely understand where you're coming from. We as women need our husbands to tell us we're beautiful & at least try to make us feel good not because they have to but because they want to & also because they love us just that much...
Do you compliment him at all? I know you said you're feeling less attracted to him but it does go both ways.
Did he used to compliment you before WLS?
Do you feel like you flaunt the fact that you're more attractive now & since other men notice that he better start noticing now too?
I'm only asking all of these questions to get a better understanding of you & who you are & a better understanding of your husband too.
It's a hard situation that you're in because you do look & feel better & you want to go out more & live your life, have some excitement for once, have people notice you because they hadn't for awhile & then you come home to this bump on a log with his 6 pack who doesn't say anything flattering to you & he could give 2 craps about the way he looks. Are you stuck with this forever? You want to live now & I mean live it up.
I get it 110%, I really do.
Do you think he may be depressed? Do you guys tell eachother how you're feeling?
I know this is such a quick & simple answer but counseling may help, if you want your marriage to last it may be just what you both need & exactly what he needs. It sounds a little bit like you already know what you want to do though. You want to live your life & live it to the fullest with no one holding you back, especially not someone who doesn't even make you feel good anymore. Right???
Do you compliment him at all? I know you said you're feeling less attracted to him but it does go both ways.
Did he used to compliment you before WLS?
Do you feel like you flaunt the fact that you're more attractive now & since other men notice that he better start noticing now too?
I'm only asking all of these questions to get a better understanding of you & who you are & a better understanding of your husband too.
It's a hard situation that you're in because you do look & feel better & you want to go out more & live your life, have some excitement for once, have people notice you because they hadn't for awhile & then you come home to this bump on a log with his 6 pack who doesn't say anything flattering to you & he could give 2 craps about the way he looks. Are you stuck with this forever? You want to live now & I mean live it up.
I get it 110%, I really do.
Do you think he may be depressed? Do you guys tell eachother how you're feeling?
I know this is such a quick & simple answer but counseling may help, if you want your marriage to last it may be just what you both need & exactly what he needs. It sounds a little bit like you already know what you want to do though. You want to live your life & live it to the fullest with no one holding you back, especially not someone who doesn't even make you feel good anymore. Right???
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