DH had surgery and I feel left behind..

This is a long one so be prepared please.

So, my husband and I started this journey together last June 2010 to look into WLS. It was actually more my idea to begin with. We were going to get lapband but then changed to VSG. We did all our nut classes together, cardio and psych meeting as well. During this long 6 month waiting process my insurance changed their VSG requirement to BMI of 50 but kept it at 40 for RNY and Lapband. I also had to take him off my work insurance and he had to get his own from his work. So we submitted our cases to our insurances and of course mine was denied since my bmi is only 43. His was approved last week and he just had surgery this past monday 1/31/2011.

I feel very left behind, and he is getting to experience this life changing journey that was supposed to help us both start over and get healthy. I am appealing my denial of course but I am having major issues with the "what ifs". What if I keep appealing and appealing and its continously denied. What if I never get this surgery?
I already have such low self esteem and I know me and now that he has had surgery and is losing weight I worry about how its going to affect me espically with my self esteem issues and emotionally. I dont know what I am going to do if I am unable to have surgery. Self pay is not an option I dont have the money. I am happy for him and yet am jealous that he is getting to experience what was supposed to have been something for "us" and now its just him. I worry how this is going to affect us as a couple. I have never felt comfortable in my own skin, let alone showing skin for "adult time" and with him and I know that with him losing weight that what little sex life we do have is going to get worse. I know he loves me and says that nothing will change but nothing he says is going to comfort me or make me feel better about this situation. I mean this may change his view now on me since hes going to be thin and more attractive to women who notice him now that didnt when he was heavier. Whats to say that he wants the fat me when he can now have someone more to his new size or smaller that looks even better? Yes I know that I am totally insecure and irrational but thats how I think and those are just some of the crazy thoughts I have going on.

Bless you if you made it through this and if anyone that can give me advice or words of wisdom it is very appreciated.

Hello,

My husband is going to have his surgery in a couple of days. I have the same fears as you do. I am worried that he wont like his fat wife he says the same thing your husband dose that he will love me no matter what and I belive him but it is still hard. Hang in there i'm sure things will get better.

I am so where you are right now except I haven't even seen the doctor yet for my initial consult. My husband had wls last january and he is doing great. He has lost an abundant amount of weight and feels better than ever. He has always had low self esteem though and last year he lost 90 lbs and decided that he needed to experience someone else in bed. He did this twice and then came running back to me as he said it made him realize how much he wanted me. I forgave him and took him back (after a week away from him) and now that he has lost 205 or so lbs, he is asking to open our marriage. When we were both heavy before I was good enough, I was more than good enough. Now, I am not. I am so lost and have no idea what to do. I am on the waiting period to have the initial consult, it could still take a year to have the surgery. He wants to do this to help so he won't leave me totally. He says he wants to be with me but is now attracted to bw and bbw not bbbbw. I am used to be comfortable in my skin until he pointed out just how big I was. Now I am self conscious about everything. What ticks me off the most is that he used to be huge, but I never saw him like that, ever! I look at him now, and I see the same man, except that he is now materilistic, something we both said we would never become. We were going to be those big people who when lost weight, would be so compassionate to other big people, not look down and be disgusted by them. Now, that is all I am to him. He knows I am an awesome person, he loves me to no end. BUT, he is not sexually attracted to me anymore.

I wish I had a better experience to tell of. I am sorry and I know exactly how you feel. I could feel this coming.

I am so sorry that you got denied and hugs to you.

I feel for all of you and wish I could give you all big hugs!!!  I too am the left behind spouse... not really but he had the surgery and I didn't, now everyone is complimenting him all the time and I feel like maybe, if I walked on my hands and sang the national anthem backwards people MIGHT give me the time of day.  Maybe.  I'm only about half serious... but while I am so thrilled with MOST of our new life together, I do not like feeling like "the fat one," I qualify for WLS (just barely) but my doctor wants me to try working on my lifestyle... which I am... but I am ready to throw in the towel.  The hubby tells me I'm wonderful, he told me that before the surgery and he wants us to be healthy together but I am just tired of being the fat wife!  I don't know what to do... I'm trying to lose weight... trying very hard to lose weight.  It just ain't happening fast enough!!! :D

Hello. I am so sorry you are going through this. I spent all my savings * and a half thousand pounds on a gastric band. It didn't work for me.  Then i was on the nhs waiting list since 2007 for the gastric bypass. All was ok as long as i was to be patient, but they changed the bmi criteria and you have to be type 2 diabetic also. So even with a bmi of 63 they said no can do, sorry.
I grieved and vented. I came to the realisation that the surgeon and not his team make the decisions. They make the decision together but he is the instrument that is used to decide who is picked to use up money from the po tof gold set aside each year for WLS.
I sobbed as i wrote the surgeon my letter. I politely asked that he take time to read my letter and if he saw fit would he re evaluate my case as there had been so many changes in the system at one point i was told not to lose too much weight or i'd diet myself out of the system(lol, not)
Well they had a team meeting and decided i am to be reconsidered after a psychiatric 20 week course. I'm half way through. I'm discovering i have anger issues i did not know i had that quite frankly means i feel i'm not good enough.
At the end of the sessions i will have to wait about a year to see the surgeon , then another 12 weeks on top for the op. a few summers basically. Hang in there and fight them.
I wrote a letter and handed it into his office, bypassing his secretary and he got it by the grace of god. keep in touch. eva