Frustrated Husband New to the site

Hi All,

I am a husband who's wife is considering RNY.  I am having a terrible time with this on mulitple levels.  We have battled, cried, and talked about the surgery.  Like many other husbands I am concerned with the risk and losing my soul mate.  I want to be supportive of anything she feels she needs. However, I also need to be the voice of our beautiful children ages 4 and 5.  I have read many posts here and find encouraging words but I also find things like mood swings, sickness, and overall tension it may create between us.  I am not sure how I could explain to them if my wife was ever to have a mood swing with either agression towards me or just needs to let out a good cry.  My wife says they would never need to know, but at this age where it would be very difficult to explain why mommy is yelling or crying is tough and it would fall on me. 

My biggest thing is that she has talked to our PCP almost a year ago about this and have had time to think about his...without me.  I have just had this dropped on my lap about a month ago.  She had her first meeting with the psyche, nutrionist, and surgeon.  This is moving way too fast for me.  She does not have any diseases related to obesity, although genetics in her family suggest that she is at high risk.  Up until this point she has seemed like she did not have any issues with her wieght that bothered her.  Now knowing this, I am begging her to please give us a chance to really give our health some thought and get healthy together all the while setting a terrific example for our kids.  We have both had successes before with weight loss but then with ALOT of stress the past few years have gained most of it back.  I have gained the most and now sit at my heaviest weight.  I love my wife more than anything and would support her with anything.  I just do not know how I can support something I have disagreed with for so long.  I completely understand why some people need this surgery as a last attempt to save their life and that is awesome that they can.  I just do not see my wife being even close to that with her medical history being the eveidence of that.  We did have issues before getting pregnant with our daughter, but no problem with our son (obviously). Her surgeon told her she was "sick" meaning the weight and I will agree she is overweight, but also feel surgery is drastic.  I have such a mix of emotions.  i love her with all my heart, she is my rock, my one and only, the most beautiful person I know and it pains me to know she is consdiering this and there is nothing I can say that would make her at least put off this surgery and give us a chance.  I am hysterical as I type this because I feel lost, and alone.  I cannot sleep sometimes at night and feel it is beginning to take its affect.  Any assistance would be greatly appreciated.

On a more selfish note, I am trying to finish work towards my degree and feel I need to focus on that. 

Dear Kevin, Hopefully I can shed some light on your situation as I am a wife that had the surgery done a year ago the end of the month and I am the wife of a husband who had just about the same concerns you do when I first mentioned the surgery to him. I can only speak from my expierience but hope it helps.

First I want to start by saying that I think it's your post was heartfelt and wonderful how much you care about your wife and children. My husband had the same thoughts, what happened if I died what would happen to our children. ... all I can tell you is the same thing that I told him, life is short, we don't know what tomorrow will bring..I could get killed going to work in the morning, sure I wear my seat belt to take percaution against that but the fact is I could still be killed wearing a seat belt. What advice I can give to your wife would be do your homework about your surgeon, I spent a good month researching a surgeon in the area before I even spent time researching the actually surgery itself. Go to the seminar class that they offer, they will discuss the risks about the surgery, I believe with the gastric the death rate was about 1 and 1000 chance of death related but most causes showed "other" factors that resulted in death not just the surgery itself.
As far as the side effects, everyone is different everyone is going to have different results, I myself have never had anything wrong with me since surgery (knock on wood) now my  friend had it done and didn't follow the "rules" post surgery and ended up having a hernia and needed another small surgery to repair it, but she was going to the gym right after surgery and working out like a crazy person... the doctors don't recommend this... so like I said if you follow the rules like I did... she should be fine. I don't have mood swings.... well I guess I might... but lets be honest we are woman... we have them regardless of surgery or not  I have not had any sickness since the surgery actually I'm better now than before hand, when I went in for surgery I weighed 240 pounds, I had sleep apnea, borderline diabetic and had some gastric issues. Since the surgery I don't have to take my diabetic meds, no longer have sleep apnea and my gastric issues are completly gone. As far as the tension between you and her... I'm not really sure what you are talking about? What tension do you foresee it causing? and again I can only speak from my own expierence but I have to say, I think that the old saying goes " a happy wife is a happy life" I don't think my husband and I have had any issues related to the surgery that have caused problems in the marriage, if anything... honestly it's like when we first started dating all over again, I'm a happier person now which reflects on my marriage and my children. I have more energy to do things with my kids and my husband and I have been going on more "dates" etc. than we ever have before and I have to say alot of it is from my new found happiness that I don't think I would have ever felt had I not had the surgery.

My husband is overweight to, but I don't think men ever truly get how unhappy woman are in their own skins when they are overweight. Before I never wanted to go anywhere... except out to eat of course.. because I didn't feel comfortable, I didn't want to go to social events, footballs games, anything because I felt like people would be looking at me and judging me for being overweight. Now a days he doesn't have to ask me twice if I want to go somewhere.. I'm the first one out of the door. I think you might have some concerns like he did... he didn't admit it to me until recently but he didn't want me to have the surgery because he was scared that I would leave him when I Iost weight, that some how I was going to have a mid life crisis or something and feel as though I could do better than him.. and that is a perfectly good reason... but like I told him, I'm still going to be the same person that I am in the inside... it's just the outside that will look different, doesn't mean I'm going to stop loving you or that I'm going to start chasing 25 year old man around the bars... just means that I'm going to be able to wear nice clothes, have more energy for the kids, not feel like a lump on a log anymore and me being happy ultimately is what made him change his mind.

I don't know about your wife, but I have tried it ALL, Weigh****chers, Jenny Craig.. you name it I tried it, and yes you do loose some weight but it always came back on for me and especially if she has been overweight for a long time or if it runs in her family chances are surgery is her only chance in truly loosing the weight and having a life style change for good, not just for a few months.But I think ultimately what you have to do is step back and think about why she wants to have the surgery... if feeling good about herself is all she can say... than isn't that good enough reason alone? You sound like you truly love your wife ( I wish my husband spoke as highly of me as you do of her) if living a healthy happier life with you and your children is her desire than I have to say, life is short, support her in all that she wants, you can have your opinions and conerns,of course, but ultimately it's her decision and if she is a great as you speak of her... I'm sure she is supporting you in your schooling so be the partner and support she needs and hope for the best!!! 

Thank you for the post as it does make me feel a little better.  Are you and my wife related or did she she pay you?  You guys sound exactly alike lol.  Can I ask you when did you tell your husband you were thinking about surgery?  Like i had said before, she has had time to think and give it thought and I have not.  I have told her that I would support her but I cannot support the surgery right now.  She is not 100% for the surgery, althought I feel she may be a little apprehensive to tell me now because of how I have been taking it.  I want to support her if she was to go through it, but feel I don't know how.  I have been doing a little research about the precedure and have read about great stories and then I have read not so great stories about sickness and complications that can happen as far out as 5 years post-op.  I feel confident that our marriage could survive as we seem not to have any issues right now, except for the fact that we can't come to an agreement about this.  I think it is the unknown that bothers me. 

As far as tension I was talking about, is if I was to avoid all conflict, give my blessing on the surgery and then something does happen my thought will be "told you".  It would just be my natural, knee jerk reaction and that is not fair to her.  Or if I do not support her, she may have animosity towards me because of me not supporting it.

The psychologist and doctor will not move forward with anything until they meet with me now.  I just do not want to walk into a "firing squad" where I am going to be chastised for having a different opinion. Plus the psychologist "hinted" that I may have underlying issues that are blocking me from understanding.  What is wrong with loving someone and not wanting the to go through something that may be dangerous?  I am not trying to be a bad, non-supportive husband.  I am trying to understand why my wife feels she needs to do this.  In my eyes, she is perfect, both inside and out.  If she feels she needs to be healthy then I want to be the one who helps her there.

My concern about our kids is that they are young and need a full time mom.  Being a full time mom is not easy with nothing wrong let alone after a surgery.  Plus when my wife had her gallbladder out my daughter saw the incision and flipped out, what is she going to do with this?

I cannot stress how much I love my wife, and I understand what you are saying about supporting that. 

I have had the "sickness" thing thrown at me along with the addiction problem and my question to that is if an alcholic wants to quit does he or she sew their mouth closed so they can't drink?  Does a drug addict get steel plating installed on their body so they cannot use a syringe?  No, they set in their mind that they can do it and they do it with support from all sources, sure they may have set backs, but they brush themselves off, lower their shoulders and combat it some more.

So my questions would be to you, is it important that I am comfortable with the surgeon?  If you were a stress eatter, how do you cope with that now?  Did it fix your cravings or do you just know you might get sick if you have them? 

Please do not take this the wrong way, you are actually my only outlet so far beyond my wife.  I am not taking away the fact that some people need this and I congratulate you on your success.  I just at this time don not feel she needs it. 

hahahahha... no we are not related... not that I'm aware of anyhow.
I told my husband before I made the appointment to go to the informational seminar (which was the first step) however between me telling him that I wanted it and the surgery actually happening it was like 5 months (because I had stomach issues) so he had a little more time to absurb it all I guess.
I'm not sure how her surgeon works but from start to finish (in a normal siutation) there is still about 3 months worth of testing to go thru before the surgery date, so you will have some time to "come to terms with it" so to speak. But if you feel strongly enough about it, you might want to ask her to pull back on it for a month and give you time to think about it. The "unknown" is scary and no one can tell you that it's not, but keep in mind that she as much as she wants the surgery is probably just as scared as you are... so you need to be supportive and be scared together as a team. Ask questions, do research, meet with her surgeon go to every appointment that she has, then sit down and have a discussion about it.

The tension part is something you are going to have to work thru, for example, my husband loves to snowmobile, he bought a brand new snowmobile years ago and drove it like he was 16 and unbreakable... I kept telling him he is in his 30's and needed to slow down but did he listen no. He crashed and broke his back and was out of work for 2 years as a result. Now believe me there were PLENTY of times I wanted to say to him... I TOLD YOU NOT TO DRIVE LIKE AN IDIOT... but at the end of it all sh*t happens, I can't say nothing with happen to your wife because everyone is different and IF something does happen, as much as your gonna WANT to say I told you so... I think you seem like a very support husband that knows nothing good will come of that. You will help her in any way she needs because that is what partners do for each other, good bad or indiffernt.

I don't know what the shrink is going to say to you, but I think you need to look at that sentence you wrote "in YOUR eyes" she is perfect. Don't get me wrong that is a wonderful thing to say about your wife... truly wonderful but the bottom line is.. those are YOUR eyes... not hers.. if she doesn't feel good in her own skin and wants to be healthier and live a longer life with her family that she should take any step possible to do that... isn't that what you really want at the end of the day for her to just be happy? 

Yes you are right to have concerns about the kids post surgery that is why my surgeons office talks alot about having a good support staff. I was out of work for 6 weeks. Luckily between my husband and mother they were there to help and took some time off of work, but honestly I spent two days in the hospital and maybe spent another two days in bed when I came home. as long as you don't have to pick up a baby all day she should be ok, I'm not sure if your kids are in school or not either but that will help as well and as far as the scars, the surgery is lapascopic surgery and I have 3 very tiny scars that you have to look for to find so I think your daughter will be fine with that , they are not scary at all.
I'm not sure what your wife's medical situation was but I myself suffer from PCOS, which causes you to gain weight and the problem is the more weight you gain the more the PCOS was inflammed, since surgery I haven't had any problems, emotional eating hasn't been a problem for me either because you really just stop craving all those bad things for you. Plus I had a dumping syndrom ONCE and ONCE only is all I needed and I won't eat sweets much any more as a result.

To answer your question, yes it is important that you be comfortable with the surgery because you are a couple... what happens to her is happening to you as well... however you also have to keep in mind.. if it's important to her.. it should be important to you!

Thanks again for your post.  My wife also has PCOS, which is one of the reasons that we had difficulties getting pregnant (I know TMI lol).  I just worry about the outcome.  I understand  and completely agree with you about supporting her and in the end I may very well end up doing it.  I just do not want to do it just to appease her.  I want to make her happy.  If i could I would gladly take the weight andcarry it for her to make her happy.  I would give anything to make her happy, but I just need time and I am not getting it.  She ahd the appointments made before I knew about it mainly because I did flip on her when she was searching for info online.  It was a "knee jerk" reaction.  I did join her during the info seminar, but felt very uncomfortable to be there. 

Again, the whole "she is sick" bothers me because this weekend we went on a hike and she did not get winded, sounded good.  I am devisng some questions for the surgeon when we meet on the 4th so maybe I can get my own answers.  She is afraid I will "sabotage" the surgery, but I am working wording that will not do that.  I still have major issues with the whole thing but I am trying to understand her before she ultimately gets it done without me and we have to deal with that.

I love her and want to be with her and grow old with her and see kids graduate, get married, and become grandparents together with both of us being healthy but, right now, feel this is way too drastic.

HI Kevin,

This is only my opinion and no offense to you or your wife, so please don't take it that way. I will be blunt and to the point. I was sleeved on Dec. 6/10 and was classed as a light weight(177lbs) which is unusually a low weight but due to a nerve and muscle disorder in my legs this was the only option short of a wheelchair in a couple of years.In Canada you have to be very overweight to have the surgery done. My gp was supportive and wrote a letter to my doctor in Mexico to make sure that everything was in order.
I researched, told my husband 6 mos ago and he said no way, but the option of a wheelchair and myself being a workaholic it was a simple decision in the end. I went to a top surgeon in Mexico and am doing awesome. Best decision ever for myself!! I didn't do this for anyone else!
You said that your wife and you have cried, disagreed etc, so its already happening and she hasn't had the surgery. Moods swings.........only when the chocolate passes me by. I am already feeling healthier.
Then you mentioned about all the people you have read about, mood swings etc. Not one person is alike, similarities but every person is different. You have read too many negatives and maybe if you love your wife and kids that much you should be part of the solution and not the problem. Work with your wife, go to the doctors appt. research as much as possible. As for agression towards your kids......I hope you don't think of your wife that way. What happened to supporting your spouse? Is she not supporting you as you get your degree? Is this surgery or adjustment in your life going to affect you getting your degree?
Having weight problems can make a person miserable and you may well find out by not supporting her in a better healthy lifestyle will cause resentment between you. As I said only my opinion, if you love her that much, let down the brick wall, read the positives on the site and stop reading all the negatives. This site is meant for people that want to ask questions about everything from bowel movements to sex to vomiting. Lighten up, look at your beautiful wife and kids and give her a break. Talk to the doctor, get a second opinion but don't try to avoid the subject and hope it will go away, because it won't.
If you do all the process with her and she is approved by the dr. then make the decision together. Love and support is so very important for the person going through this. A happier wife, happier children and a wife that loves you for all your support. Take care and love her!

Hi,

I have doen my research and have come to the realization that she will need me to get through this.  I have made a ist of questions for the doctor so when we go to the appoitments I can ask them.  I have told her that even though I think she is the most beautiful person, if she feels she needs this, then I will support her.  We have a agreed that in order for this to be a success that we both need to support each other (which has never been an issue) and do this together.

Thanks for your input.

Hi, Keven

I just wanted to add a note here for you as well.  You sound like a decent husband and a loving father, and I applaud you for loving your wife just as she is.  You don't mention how old she is, but I'm assuming she isn't terribly old considering the ages of your children.  I've been married to my husband now for going on 22 years, and he's a great guy, most of the time.  He's not rail thin, but he's not really big, either.  He's pretty average, and IMHO, he's handsome and still looks great for his 53 years.

I'm going on 49 and was born into this world one roll at a time.  VERY fat baby!  Unfortunately, it stuck with me my whole life, and I come from a very long line of very tall and VERY fat people.  My mother died at the age of 66 from complications of diabetes, renal failure, and heart disease.  The last twenty years of her life, especially the last five, were a horrendous parade of doctors, dialysis, illness and misery.  By the time she passed, she had lost all her toes, most of her skin, and she was almost blind, all from diabetes.  At her heaviest, she weighed well over 500 lbs.  She was very self conscious about it and rarely went anywhere she didn't have to, leaving my dad to go and do things by himself or with his friends.  I've also done this myself for the same reason, as I have also been over 500 lbs myself.  It sucks.

If your wife has a shot in hell of not living this reality, PLEASE let her have it.  Don't stand in her way.  I would have given anything to have had my mother able to come to my school stuff and be able to sit in the auditorium.  Because she couldn't, she didn't let me go, either, so I missed out on most of my own childhood.  I was careful not to do that to my daughter and went and endured he stares, whispers, snickering and pointing, but it was hard.  As a woman, it's heartbreaking when you can't do things that you need to with your kids.  I was never able to get outside and play with my daughter like I should have when she was small.  She's 18 now and I missed all of that.  Don't do that to your wife.  Once these years are gone, she won't be able to get them back or get a do-over.  

I wish I'd had the chance to have the surgery when I was younger so my skin would have been more elastic and tightened back up better.  At my age, it's all just saggy!  And on a more personal note, once the fat is gone around certain areas, things are much easier to stimulate and reach, so the bedroom department will only improve!

I understand about your concern for your wife being there for you and your children, about how inconvenient it's going to be for you to have to step up and handle things for a bit while she recovers. and about you wanting to finish your degree and this being a distraction for you. If she does this, you're also going to be losing your eating buddy, and maybe you're afraid she will start in on you to lose weight or see you in a different light once she's smaller.  Men will probably look at her and treat her differently, which will suck for you and raise more insecurities for you about the strength of your relationship.  But this isn't all about you. 

If she's determined that this is the best thing for her, the best thing you can do for YOURSELF is be as supportive as you can be and help her through it, and pray for her if you're a believer.  If you fight her every step of the way and make her feel like she's got anything less than 110% of your love and support, then if she does go through with it, all your worst nightmares will probably come to fruition.  One of the biggest side effects of this process is divorce, and it usually happens because the spouse is either non-supportive, or has been an ass throughout the marriage, and once the wls helps restore self esteem and self confidence, and the ability to be self sufficient, suddenly that non-supportive ass of a spouse is no longer looking all that appealing.  Don't let that be you.

Hi - I had the surgery over 2 yrs ago. Coming to the decision to needing/wanting WLS was very difficult and personal for me.  I did over a year of research before I approached my husband on the matter.  I did not ask him either - I told him what i was going to do.  He was scared but supportive - he assumed I would have lap band because he thought that was safer - he was surprised when I took him to a seminar and raised my hand for the RNY procedure.

He was more scared than I was on the day of surgery but that was understandable!!

He never gave me permision to have surgery, as I am an adult I do not need or require permission!! 

We also have a 4 and 6 yr old who were 2 and 4 at the time.  The scars are minute if your surgery is performed laparoscopically.  The time I spend with them now is far more enjoyable for all of us because I am physically capable of much more!!

Mood swings... well I never had severe moods any more now than before - hell I am less depressed over my own image and my husband thinks I seem happier all the time.  If anything this has made our marriage better because a happy mommy is a happy home LOL!!

And since your marriage seems wonderful, i do not think you will have to worry about marital problems which can occur after massive weight loss - usually due to one spouse realizing they have been treated liek **** for years and now are done being a door mat!! 

My husband is a wonderful man and loved me before and loves me now...  seem you will be the same way.

What is your weight like? I am just curious because my husband is very fit/slender and it makes me feel better knowing I weigh less than him!!!!

hello
i had the surgery over a year ago, i have lost 140 lbs. as far as the mood swings..well i would compare it to PMS. some places refer to it as wls puberty. it is only because fat cells hold hormones and as they shrink(fast at first then slowly as the weight loss slows) the recovery time is only a few days. i don't see any reason this will take time from you or your working on your degree.
from my experience i would say it will help you.
she will spend less time eating and obsessing about food.
have abundant energy, so be better able to keep up with the kids and house work.
don't forget as the hormones are released she will want sex more.(most husbands love this part.
maybe you should look into attending a local support grout meeting to see first hand from people in person how it is.

there are a lot in informative episodes on www.bariatrictv.com  you could also look at the video diaries of wls patients on www.youtube.com