Overweight wife of recent WLS patient --help? *long*
Hi, everyone,
I'm here because I don't know where else to go. My husband (who I absolutely adore and he adores me) is currently 12 days post RNY. He is doing very well with his recovery and has lost about 21 lbs already (needed to lose 100 lbs on day of surgery). I'm trying to be supportive of him and I am truthfully very proud of his efforts and accomplishment. I've looked up bariatric-friendly recipes, I go walking with him, read all of his materials to educate myself and him, make sure he has a good variety of the right things to eat for his stage 2 diet, etc. I willingly stayed with him in the hospital the 3 days and nights for his surgery. He is my best friend, lover, and husband, and I wouldn't dream of him facing any of this alone; I want to be his support and a good one at that. Before I mention why I'm here, please know that I'm absolutely thrilled for him that he will be losing weight, feeling better about himself, and becoming healthier. Now for the embarrassing part:
Why I am here is because I was so unprepared for the emotional and mental issues that has rather suddenly affected me as his wife. It ha**** me hard and I don't feel like anyone else understands. I don't know of anyone else in my situation. I am usually a very logical, rational person, but I fear that I am suffering from some irrational thoughts that are mighty hard to shake. I admit that this embarrasses me a great deal and I feel ashamed. Perhaps someone here can help me to process all of this, tell me that they understand, or maybe even tell me to just toughen up and get over it. All I know is that I need to change in order to be the complete support that I want to be for my husband...the loving support that he deserves.
My husband and I are highschool sweethearts and have always done everything together since we were 16; we've now been happily married for nearly 24 years. We were both very thin when we met and have gained and lost together numerous times throughout our married years. The last time we both succeeeded on losing significant amounts of weight, we did it very much together. We have both seen one another as very thin and obese and everything in between, so there will be no surprises there.
I almost feel like a person with split personality these days (don't know how else to describe it). On one hand I am extremely excited for him and love seeing him lose weight and to be able to do so quickly. On the other hand....I am scared and suddenly and unexpectedly feel left behind. I am scared knowing that the thinner my husband becomes, the fatter I will inevidtibly look and feel to him. He says that he loves me no matter what, and I DO believe that, but I don't want to look fat to him. This is bothering me so much that I have been in depression and tears over it. :( I am a short 5'2", weigh 164 lbs, and need to lose 40 lbs. I've struggled with being overweight since I had our kids (was in fact under-weight before that) and am now considered obese with a BMI of 30. I've been overweight/obese for 20 yrs. now. I had successfully lost 25 lbs over the past few years on Weigh****chers and intense exercise, but I also managed to fall off the wagon AGAIN eventually. The slow weight loss and those many months of weight loss plateus kill me and I end up giving up. So...here I am with a husband who has excitedly lost 21 lbs. in less than 2 weeks when it took me 9 months to lose 25 lbs the last time I gave hard effort to diet & exercise.
I want so much to be a great support to my husband on his weight loss journey, but I am afraid that I am currently mired in my own issues and that is taking away from me being able to be as supportive. I don't even feel like the same person with the sadness and fear that has cropped up ...and yes, the dread that I feel. I dread being a "Jack Spratt" couple. I want to be attractive to my husband. I want him to be as proud of me as I am (and will be) of him, and I'm so scared that I won't be as attractive to him as he quickly sheds those pounds. Meanwhile... I feel destined to be a yo-yo dieter and now will struggle even harder to try to be attractive for him; it's a hopeless feeling. It is not a matter of distrust; I trust him with my whole heart in every way. He's always been faithful and I don't doubt that he always will be.....but I desparately want to be pretty and attractive to him, you know? I firmly believe that I WILL be less attractive to him as he becomes normal weight if I am not. He would never tell me that, but I can't shake this terrible thought-pattern. I think that the only thing that can help me is to find some way to lose this weight in a manner that isn't so painfully slow. How to go about that in a healthy way, I have no idea. I have looked into a couple of diet programs advertised on TV (one cookie diet has a 15 lb. weight loss a month...I'd love to do that one). My husband doesn't want me to change my eating habits, however, since I usually do not eat a lot (now I feel guilty about eating in front of him sometimes so I'm eating even less now). He thinks that I can lose the weight soley by exercising more....but the last time I tried that (with kickboxing) it took 3 months to lose just 17 lbs. Sure, I can lose slowly, but now I desperately want it to go a bit faster since my husband will be losing so rapidly. Yes, I'm becoming too obsessed with my weight and food intake, and I think my husband is getting tired of hearing about it, and I quite frankly don't blame him. I can't stand the thought of being left far behind, though..... :(
Ok, so if you've read this far, bless you! I realize that I need help or support in some way so that I can be the help and support to my wonderful husband that I want to be and he deserves. I also realize that I probably sound like a raving lunatic with the irrational thoughts racing through my head. Are there any words of wisdom out there? Has any other spouse been here where I am now? Is this normal or am I going insane? Is there support out there for unprepared spouses of WLS patients? I apologize for all the rambling. I'm just hoping that someone's experience out there can understand at least some of it. It is hard for me to click "submit" because I am embarrassed about all of this. Thank God this is anonymous ,and thank you for reading. :)
I'm here because I don't know where else to go. My husband (who I absolutely adore and he adores me) is currently 12 days post RNY. He is doing very well with his recovery and has lost about 21 lbs already (needed to lose 100 lbs on day of surgery). I'm trying to be supportive of him and I am truthfully very proud of his efforts and accomplishment. I've looked up bariatric-friendly recipes, I go walking with him, read all of his materials to educate myself and him, make sure he has a good variety of the right things to eat for his stage 2 diet, etc. I willingly stayed with him in the hospital the 3 days and nights for his surgery. He is my best friend, lover, and husband, and I wouldn't dream of him facing any of this alone; I want to be his support and a good one at that. Before I mention why I'm here, please know that I'm absolutely thrilled for him that he will be losing weight, feeling better about himself, and becoming healthier. Now for the embarrassing part:
Why I am here is because I was so unprepared for the emotional and mental issues that has rather suddenly affected me as his wife. It ha**** me hard and I don't feel like anyone else understands. I don't know of anyone else in my situation. I am usually a very logical, rational person, but I fear that I am suffering from some irrational thoughts that are mighty hard to shake. I admit that this embarrasses me a great deal and I feel ashamed. Perhaps someone here can help me to process all of this, tell me that they understand, or maybe even tell me to just toughen up and get over it. All I know is that I need to change in order to be the complete support that I want to be for my husband...the loving support that he deserves.
My husband and I are highschool sweethearts and have always done everything together since we were 16; we've now been happily married for nearly 24 years. We were both very thin when we met and have gained and lost together numerous times throughout our married years. The last time we both succeeeded on losing significant amounts of weight, we did it very much together. We have both seen one another as very thin and obese and everything in between, so there will be no surprises there.
I almost feel like a person with split personality these days (don't know how else to describe it). On one hand I am extremely excited for him and love seeing him lose weight and to be able to do so quickly. On the other hand....I am scared and suddenly and unexpectedly feel left behind. I am scared knowing that the thinner my husband becomes, the fatter I will inevidtibly look and feel to him. He says that he loves me no matter what, and I DO believe that, but I don't want to look fat to him. This is bothering me so much that I have been in depression and tears over it. :( I am a short 5'2", weigh 164 lbs, and need to lose 40 lbs. I've struggled with being overweight since I had our kids (was in fact under-weight before that) and am now considered obese with a BMI of 30. I've been overweight/obese for 20 yrs. now. I had successfully lost 25 lbs over the past few years on Weigh****chers and intense exercise, but I also managed to fall off the wagon AGAIN eventually. The slow weight loss and those many months of weight loss plateus kill me and I end up giving up. So...here I am with a husband who has excitedly lost 21 lbs. in less than 2 weeks when it took me 9 months to lose 25 lbs the last time I gave hard effort to diet & exercise.
I want so much to be a great support to my husband on his weight loss journey, but I am afraid that I am currently mired in my own issues and that is taking away from me being able to be as supportive. I don't even feel like the same person with the sadness and fear that has cropped up ...and yes, the dread that I feel. I dread being a "Jack Spratt" couple. I want to be attractive to my husband. I want him to be as proud of me as I am (and will be) of him, and I'm so scared that I won't be as attractive to him as he quickly sheds those pounds. Meanwhile... I feel destined to be a yo-yo dieter and now will struggle even harder to try to be attractive for him; it's a hopeless feeling. It is not a matter of distrust; I trust him with my whole heart in every way. He's always been faithful and I don't doubt that he always will be.....but I desparately want to be pretty and attractive to him, you know? I firmly believe that I WILL be less attractive to him as he becomes normal weight if I am not. He would never tell me that, but I can't shake this terrible thought-pattern. I think that the only thing that can help me is to find some way to lose this weight in a manner that isn't so painfully slow. How to go about that in a healthy way, I have no idea. I have looked into a couple of diet programs advertised on TV (one cookie diet has a 15 lb. weight loss a month...I'd love to do that one). My husband doesn't want me to change my eating habits, however, since I usually do not eat a lot (now I feel guilty about eating in front of him sometimes so I'm eating even less now). He thinks that I can lose the weight soley by exercising more....but the last time I tried that (with kickboxing) it took 3 months to lose just 17 lbs. Sure, I can lose slowly, but now I desperately want it to go a bit faster since my husband will be losing so rapidly. Yes, I'm becoming too obsessed with my weight and food intake, and I think my husband is getting tired of hearing about it, and I quite frankly don't blame him. I can't stand the thought of being left far behind, though..... :(
Ok, so if you've read this far, bless you! I realize that I need help or support in some way so that I can be the help and support to my wonderful husband that I want to be and he deserves. I also realize that I probably sound like a raving lunatic with the irrational thoughts racing through my head. Are there any words of wisdom out there? Has any other spouse been here where I am now? Is this normal or am I going insane? Is there support out there for unprepared spouses of WLS patients? I apologize for all the rambling. I'm just hoping that someone's experience out there can understand at least some of it. It is hard for me to click "submit" because I am embarrassed about all of this. Thank God this is anonymous ,and thank you for reading. :)
Wow.... Four days, 18 views, and no replys. Never mind. My husband is doing so well (sooo proud of him!) and I'm learning to deal. It would have been nice for me if another spouse on this forum would have understood or had been there/done that, but that's ok. Hubby and I are changing our habits together and keeping open communication. It's just that he's the rabbit now and I'm the tortoise. The tortoise did eventually cross the finish line and so will I. My rabbit will be there first, but he'll be cheering me on. :)
Hi I am a wieght losss patient a woman and African American . I can however understand the mixed feelings of love support jeaulosy fear and uncertainty that you must be experiencing. Im sure your Dear Hubby is feeling these emotions also going under the knife to institute a life change is no small thing. You have 24 wonderful years and if you are able to see each other thru this transitional period you will have the rest of your lives together. I am a big girl all my life I have never had problems with men and dating that is substantially different from my smaller counterparts. There are no guarantees in life you are a grown woman and you know this but you also know thatas a couple you two have alot invested and love each other and that definitely trancends size I wish you the best of luck as a team relax relate release keep a journal dont overcompensate and play the matyr stop waiting for the other shoe to drop love yourself love yourself love yourself everyday and Live life to the fullest together the way you have been doing for the past 24 years. You are not less significant as he becomes smaller you are still his partner confidant and spouse the better half remember that. Dont just be proud of him and his accomplishments be proud of yourself and yours Now is the time to take that class start that business climb that mountain dig deep Woman even without WLS you can take steps to improve the quality of your life.
Hi there,
I just HAVE to answer this even tho it is weeks old and hopefully you will receive it.
First of all, I am here on the spouse forum cause I wanted my hubby to maybe read some to help him learn what I will soon be going thru and how maybe to handle his own thougts.
I will be having surgery very soon.
My hub and I have been married 42 yrs and like you, we've have seen each other thin and obese and all the inbetween. We are both obese. We have been eating buddies for all these yrs.
It's our fav thing to do!!!! That's pretty bad eh? Our lives will be drastically changing very soon due to my surgery. Surgery may be in his future also but that's yet to be determined.
I also 10 yrs ago lost my breasts to cancer. I am now a survivor but I hate looking at myself in the mirror still. My body is not beautiful that is for sure. Has it changed his love for me?
Absolutely not.
I need to point out to you that first of all, by the worlds standard or should I say medical standards you are considered obese. That's just the stastistics At only 40 lbs overweight you are still looking good. Sure, you could stand to lose some, and you no doubt will. Unless you are going to sneak foods to eat that he cannot, you will be eating similar things, correct? The weight is going to come off you. It is not a race! Besides, men always lose weight faster.
I'd say, take a deep breath, relax, and enjoy the ride. You will both be eating healthy and getting healthier together. Don't be so worried about it.
I don't consider you a lunatic! You're just scared. Everything will be ok.
My hub and I will not be eating buddies any longer. We'll have to find other enjoyment, right?
You take good care of yourself. Now I need to go back to the forum I should be on.
I just HAVE to answer this even tho it is weeks old and hopefully you will receive it.
First of all, I am here on the spouse forum cause I wanted my hubby to maybe read some to help him learn what I will soon be going thru and how maybe to handle his own thougts.
I will be having surgery very soon.
My hub and I have been married 42 yrs and like you, we've have seen each other thin and obese and all the inbetween. We are both obese. We have been eating buddies for all these yrs.
It's our fav thing to do!!!! That's pretty bad eh? Our lives will be drastically changing very soon due to my surgery. Surgery may be in his future also but that's yet to be determined.
I also 10 yrs ago lost my breasts to cancer. I am now a survivor but I hate looking at myself in the mirror still. My body is not beautiful that is for sure. Has it changed his love for me?
Absolutely not.
I need to point out to you that first of all, by the worlds standard or should I say medical standards you are considered obese. That's just the stastistics At only 40 lbs overweight you are still looking good. Sure, you could stand to lose some, and you no doubt will. Unless you are going to sneak foods to eat that he cannot, you will be eating similar things, correct? The weight is going to come off you. It is not a race! Besides, men always lose weight faster.
I'd say, take a deep breath, relax, and enjoy the ride. You will both be eating healthy and getting healthier together. Don't be so worried about it.
I don't consider you a lunatic! You're just scared. Everything will be ok.
My hub and I will not be eating buddies any longer. We'll have to find other enjoyment, right?
You take good care of yourself. Now I need to go back to the forum I should be on.
Thanks so much for your encouraging and supportive replies, deestar & Shaesnana!
I so appreciate the wisdom that you both have shared with me, and I can see that you are both right. When I wrote up my first post, I was feeling quite emotional (you think?
). I wasn't prepared at all for the impact on my feelings that my husband's surgery would have. If someone had told me beforehand that I'd feel that way, I probably wouldn't have believed them. It would have, however, prevented me from being 'thrown for a loop' I am thinking. I will say that my mind has since settled down and I haven't been in such a "woe is me" attitude. ;) I guess I needed a little processing time (today is 3 weeks since his surgery). My husband has been wonderful on understanding that I needed that time. I think he understood it better than me.
Yes, my husband and I are both eating healthier. I do still feel a bit odd about eating normal but bigger portions than he, and it is weird now to think that my stomach is quite a bit larger than his (the organ, not our appearance). What we are enjoying together is that we have begun walking on a regular basis (we previously didn't walk together much unless we were camping). We are up to walking 1 mile at a fairly brisk pace. We are LOVING this time together, and my newest past time has been to look for new and fun places for us to walk. I think we are going to do this and we will be doing this as a team. Maybe our positions are different, but we can still play this game together and win. :)
Again, thank you so much, deestar & Shaesnana, for your replies. You both have helped me to think over some things and to see reality.
Best wishes to you both on your own weight loss journeys. Shaesnana...... Best wishes on your soon upcoming surgery! My hubby is 3 weeks out and so glad that he went through with it. 
I so appreciate the wisdom that you both have shared with me, and I can see that you are both right. When I wrote up my first post, I was feeling quite emotional (you think?
). I wasn't prepared at all for the impact on my feelings that my husband's surgery would have. If someone had told me beforehand that I'd feel that way, I probably wouldn't have believed them. It would have, however, prevented me from being 'thrown for a loop' I am thinking. I will say that my mind has since settled down and I haven't been in such a "woe is me" attitude. ;) I guess I needed a little processing time (today is 3 weeks since his surgery). My husband has been wonderful on understanding that I needed that time. I think he understood it better than me. Yes, my husband and I are both eating healthier. I do still feel a bit odd about eating normal but bigger portions than he, and it is weird now to think that my stomach is quite a bit larger than his (the organ, not our appearance). What we are enjoying together is that we have begun walking on a regular basis (we previously didn't walk together much unless we were camping). We are up to walking 1 mile at a fairly brisk pace. We are LOVING this time together, and my newest past time has been to look for new and fun places for us to walk. I think we are going to do this and we will be doing this as a team. Maybe our positions are different, but we can still play this game together and win. :)
Again, thank you so much, deestar & Shaesnana, for your replies. You both have helped me to think over some things and to see reality.
Best wishes to you both on your own weight loss journeys. Shaesnana...... Best wishes on your soon upcoming surgery! My hubby is 3 weeks out and so glad that he went through with it. Hi
I just joined today since my spouse had surgery and I am going crazy. I read your post last week but didn't respond since I wasn't a member. Does it really get better? I have always struggled with weight but my highest BMI was below 31. I feel like you when you say you feel bipolar. One minute I'm happy for him and the next I'm so mad I could scream because I don't want him to do this. It's a mute point now as he has already had the surgery but I tried until the last moment to talk him out of it. I tried talking honestly with him about the fact that I didn't feel he should have the surgery but it didn't work. Thanks for listening.
I just joined today since my spouse had surgery and I am going crazy. I read your post last week but didn't respond since I wasn't a member. Does it really get better? I have always struggled with weight but my highest BMI was below 31. I feel like you when you say you feel bipolar. One minute I'm happy for him and the next I'm so mad I could scream because I don't want him to do this. It's a mute point now as he has already had the surgery but I tried until the last moment to talk him out of it. I tried talking honestly with him about the fact that I didn't feel he should have the surgery but it didn't work. Thanks for listening.
Hello there;
This has never been a very active board, I've been on OH since 2006 and found that to get support I had to go to my home state board.
My hubby had his surgery in 2006, I was his support person. Like you he is my best friend and my co-pilot through thick and thin. As he lost weight I gained weight.
My first question to you is - have you talked to your hubby about these thoughts running through your mind? Have you and the hubby considered couples/family therapy?
My hubby is a systemic family therapist - however there was a point in his weight loss that we had to seek couples therapy to get us through a very rough patch.
This is an amazing process to see the one you love go through. To see them get healthy and thin and know they are going to live a lot longer and be a part of your life for much longer than they would have been had they remained over weight with all those co-morbities.
As my hubby lost weight I was going through some pretty serious medical issues and kept gaining weight. that is a whole other story, not for here. To make this short I have also had WLS.
But my suggestion to you is communicate with your hubby. My hubby and I talked about everything, he told me what he was going through and I would tell him what I was feeling especially when I was feeling scared and insecure that my weight would turn him off as he got thinner.
Couples therapy is another suggestion - sometimes an objective person to hear what is going on is one of the best things to help get through feelings like this.
Ida
This has never been a very active board, I've been on OH since 2006 and found that to get support I had to go to my home state board.
My hubby had his surgery in 2006, I was his support person. Like you he is my best friend and my co-pilot through thick and thin. As he lost weight I gained weight.
My first question to you is - have you talked to your hubby about these thoughts running through your mind? Have you and the hubby considered couples/family therapy?
My hubby is a systemic family therapist - however there was a point in his weight loss that we had to seek couples therapy to get us through a very rough patch.
This is an amazing process to see the one you love go through. To see them get healthy and thin and know they are going to live a lot longer and be a part of your life for much longer than they would have been had they remained over weight with all those co-morbities.
As my hubby lost weight I was going through some pretty serious medical issues and kept gaining weight. that is a whole other story, not for here. To make this short I have also had WLS.
But my suggestion to you is communicate with your hubby. My hubby and I talked about everything, he told me what he was going through and I would tell him what I was feeling especially when I was feeling scared and insecure that my weight would turn him off as he got thinner.
Couples therapy is another suggestion - sometimes an objective person to hear what is going on is one of the best things to help get through feelings like this.
Ida
IdaMae
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