Don't know how to deal in supportive way
My husband is morbidly obese. He had gastric bypass surgery (roux en y) back in 1999, right before we were married. He managed to lose over 100 pounds but has since gained almost all of it back. Before surgery he was close to 600 pounds.. Now he's still 450. What's so upsetting is that he hasn't changed his eating habits much at all. He still wants to order the fried chicken, the french fries, etc. and he does. I understand that it is extremely hard to handle weight issues; I myself need to lose 20 to 25 pounds. But to see someone you love who went through so much heartache after the surgergy still continue to eat like food is the most important thing in life is so upsetting to me. Whenever we eat, he needs to have huge portions..it's like filling an emotional need. And if I say anything about what he's eating, he'll get so angry and then threaten me that he's going to eat even more. It's extremely childish behavior, and I wish he would see a therapist because I know so much of his weight issues comes from anger (with his family, and in general. He just seems so angry all the time). But he outright refuses to see a therapist (has all kinds of excuses for everything why this and that wont work for him).
Our marriage has not been great in terms of communication in general, so we can't even have an open and forthright talk about how he feels, how I feel. I try to be supportive, but I'm getting at the end of my rope. We have no intimate life whatsoever and in all honesty, it's hard to be attracted to someone who doesn't even care what he looks like when he goes out in public. And to boot we have an adorable 2 and a half year old son that we adopted. I am so afraid he is going to grow up without his daddy. btw-my hubby is 48..also bloodwork is pretty normal but he has very bad sleep apnea and his knees are so bad that he can barely walk.
I just don't know how to survive in this marriage anymore. It's hard to be married to someone who you feel has a death wish, and who's in denial about his situation. Plus, being the stubborn man that he is does not make matters any better.
He needs to do something drastic at this point. What it is I don't know. If I suggest anything, he doesn't want to hear it. I understand that he must feel so helpless and frustrated and depressed but it's impossible to help anyone who doesn't have their arms open for it.
Does anyone have any advice about how I can keep my sanity, short of leaving the marriage which I've been thinking of more lately.
Our marriage has not been great in terms of communication in general, so we can't even have an open and forthright talk about how he feels, how I feel. I try to be supportive, but I'm getting at the end of my rope. We have no intimate life whatsoever and in all honesty, it's hard to be attracted to someone who doesn't even care what he looks like when he goes out in public. And to boot we have an adorable 2 and a half year old son that we adopted. I am so afraid he is going to grow up without his daddy. btw-my hubby is 48..also bloodwork is pretty normal but he has very bad sleep apnea and his knees are so bad that he can barely walk.
I just don't know how to survive in this marriage anymore. It's hard to be married to someone who you feel has a death wish, and who's in denial about his situation. Plus, being the stubborn man that he is does not make matters any better.
He needs to do something drastic at this point. What it is I don't know. If I suggest anything, he doesn't want to hear it. I understand that he must feel so helpless and frustrated and depressed but it's impossible to help anyone who doesn't have their arms open for it.
Does anyone have any advice about how I can keep my sanity, short of leaving the marriage which I've been thinking of more lately.
Fo' Shizzle My Sizzle
on 10/25/10 11:57 pm
on 10/25/10 11:57 pm
Hi, I'm sorry that you're in a tough spot, but it doesn't sound like your husband is looking for your support. It sounds more like he's putting you through emotional blackmail and holding you hostige with threats of increasing his eating and making his health worse.
Here's what I would do, and I would not do this unless I were prepared to act. By prepared, I mean be prepared to move out and live somewhere else. If you can't afford that, speak to some of your family members and see if they will accept rent for letting you and your son stay in case you need to move out.
Honestly, if your marriage and your husband's health cannot be saved, you're better of on your own as a single mom than locked into an unhappy marriage. Remember your son will learn from you what is acceptable beghavior in a marraige. If you put up with being held hostage by your husband's self-destructive behavior, your son will think this is OK and normal and won't have the knowledge on how to get out of a bad relationship or maybe treat his future spouse the way your hubs treats you.
I would be honest with your hubs, but after revealing your feelings let him know you're willing to do whatever it takes to help the marriage and his health improve- but there is a condition to this:
he has to be an active participant in that too. This solution should involve marriage counseling, it sounds like there's a lot of issues here that the two of you may not know how to work out alone.
1) If he refuses, move out and get the wheels turning towards a divorce.
2) If he threatens you (ex: "if you talk to me like that I'm just going to eat more") that is the same as a refusal, move out and get the wheels turning towards a divorce.
3) If he agrees, hold him to it and make it clear that if he slips back into old habits you will take that as him neneiging on the agreement and you'll have to separate from him. Sometimes people will agree just to prevent you from walking out the door, but they have no intention of following through past an initial token gesture. Be mindful and prepared for that.
Don't get roped in with guilt or threats. He is going to do what he wants and people don't change. The only time people are motivated to change for the better is if they want to do so for themselves. But there's a chance he might come around and realize he's ruining his health and his family and then make positive steps to change that.
So hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.
Best of luck, I hope it all works out.
Here's what I would do, and I would not do this unless I were prepared to act. By prepared, I mean be prepared to move out and live somewhere else. If you can't afford that, speak to some of your family members and see if they will accept rent for letting you and your son stay in case you need to move out.
Honestly, if your marriage and your husband's health cannot be saved, you're better of on your own as a single mom than locked into an unhappy marriage. Remember your son will learn from you what is acceptable beghavior in a marraige. If you put up with being held hostage by your husband's self-destructive behavior, your son will think this is OK and normal and won't have the knowledge on how to get out of a bad relationship or maybe treat his future spouse the way your hubs treats you.
I would be honest with your hubs, but after revealing your feelings let him know you're willing to do whatever it takes to help the marriage and his health improve- but there is a condition to this:
he has to be an active participant in that too. This solution should involve marriage counseling, it sounds like there's a lot of issues here that the two of you may not know how to work out alone.
1) If he refuses, move out and get the wheels turning towards a divorce.
2) If he threatens you (ex: "if you talk to me like that I'm just going to eat more") that is the same as a refusal, move out and get the wheels turning towards a divorce.
3) If he agrees, hold him to it and make it clear that if he slips back into old habits you will take that as him neneiging on the agreement and you'll have to separate from him. Sometimes people will agree just to prevent you from walking out the door, but they have no intention of following through past an initial token gesture. Be mindful and prepared for that.
Don't get roped in with guilt or threats. He is going to do what he wants and people don't change. The only time people are motivated to change for the better is if they want to do so for themselves. But there's a chance he might come around and realize he's ruining his health and his family and then make positive steps to change that.
So hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.
Best of luck, I hope it all works out.
Most Active
Recent Topics
