horrified, confused, and scared husband (help)

 Sorry for this long post, but I NEED advice, Please!! My wife just had her surgery yesterday (sleeve). We have now been married 10.5 years, 13 together. Since I met my wife, she has always been overweight, but got quite heavy these past 3years. She was categorized as morbidly obese, and all her doctors started to suggest her to get Gastric Bypass Surgery. She was starting to have some health problems, High Blood pressure, Diabetes 2, etc, so she felt it was necessary for her to do.  I have and and always will love her dearly. She means everything to me. But I was very against any bypass surgery from day one, and we fought long and hard over it. Back in April, I came to a very "light" understanding of why she wanted to do it and what would be the benefits, and why she felt that she needed to do it. But I am still very much against it, and now, its way too late to even be an issue. It's done. She is still in the Hospital tonight, recovering well, although still with nausea. The leak test done this morning  (upper GI) showed no leaks, and hopefully she will be going home tomorrow.

I am having an extremely difficult time understanding why anyone would do this? why go through such a major proceedure with serious risks that come with any serious surgery? How can anyone allow for a part of your body (in this case, more than 80% of your stomach) to be permanently removed? I never saw my wife go though any proceedure like that, and I was horrified to see her like she is now. She looks frail, dry heeving, nausea, seeing her hooked up to wires and sedation. I kept crying every time I saw her dry heeve and space out. I read almost all the prior postings, but I am still scared and confused. are there any spouses out there that went through a similar situation? How did you pull yourself through it? I love my wife more than anything in the world, and all I want is to be there for her, and for her to come home, and for her to not feel like this anymore. But its so hard for me to deal with right now. The support groups that we went to never really addressed the impact it makes on spouses!

Wow,
Been there!!!! Listen all you can do is be the best coach that you can be. If you love your wife as much as you say then........ You can make it through this. However being that coach is something that only you can do. I mean really who else knows her as well as you do? Remember even though she did this for herself first, she also did it for you! I did not understand it either when my wife had her RNY. but she is three weeks out and doing fine. It is total change in lifestyle, anything less will result in failure. Don't push her help her, fine line but you will figure that one out as well. In the mean time contact me on here and we can chat. Hope that she recovers well and that you all find a way to use this to build an even better marriage. P.S. I understand your fears I was just there myself. Some of the complications to this thing are freighting.

Thanks for the response. It is very hard to do, considering that I would never do ANY surgery that wasn't considered life and death, (like heart surgery). So far she seems to be doing pretty good. She stayed at the hospital for 2 nights which I believe was largely because she was still dry heeving. She was sore for some days after, but so far she is recovering pretty quickly. I will certainly be there for her, but it will be hard to get past the idea that she did this, up in my head!

Yes she did it alright! However she has hopes and dreams of the two of you doing things that she probably couldn't have done at her current weight right? So embrace those dreams with her. Now as far as the head thing goes, yep you bet ya. I will not allow anyone to cut me open for any reason period. Been there without success and just will not return, especially after the whole WLS thing. So how far out is she now? did they get to do it laproscopicly or is that not an option for the surgery that she chose? My wife's surgery was 3 weeks ago today and she is doing sooooo much better now than she was just five days ago. It will get better and really pretty quick too. Try to keep encouraging her to walk, walk , walk it is the best thing she can do for pain and even liquid intake. Lastly I would list you as friend but that is really out of my computer use ability realm. So really feel free to look me up and I will accept.

well, over one week and a half has passed already. im amazed at how fast she has recovered. she has walked a lot, but strangely she is complaining that her back is hurting, which i believe might be where they injected her with something before the surgery took place. she has also lost 24 punds since the surgery. i'm trying my hardest to be supportive to her even though im still in shock that she did it. sorry, but im a big chicken when it comes to doctors, hospitals, and don't even mention surgery to me. I really hope that this goes far enough to make her life happier and more comfortable. She still has to adjust to it because I think that she still eats with her eyes and doesnt realize that she cant eat as much anymore, even though she never was a big eater. just had a sweet tooth!

Horrified Husband,
I hope this isn't interpreted as an invasion into "the other side" by "one who's been there", but I'm someone who had the sleeve done about 2.5 months ago and feel compelled to share some thoughts.  I saw this forum for spouses and thought it was a super idea, because for those of us who do have WLS, it does affect our spouses, family and friends.  I'm glad you're reaching out. 

All that said, it's hard for me to organize thoughts because I see so many emotions and thoughts in your original post that I would like to address.   So....forgive the spewing, but here are all of the thoughts I'd like to share for you to ponder, in no particular order.

1)  you are like my husband, and many other husbands, who seem to love their wives unconditionally and weight is not necessarily "seen".  That is a super trait.  But believe me, we as overweight people (women especially), see our own weight every waking hour and it can become taxing emotionally.  It's horrible, and we do it to ourselves, but it's reality.  This surgery is for health - both physical and emotional.
2)  you mentioned being horrified at the surgery and wonder why she would do that to herself, risking her health and going through pain.  Did you feel that way as you saw her gain weight and have comorbidities?  My guess is not, but she was slowly killing herself or shortening her life and quality of life with you.  None of us can deny the health risks associated with extra weight.
3)  you mention how horrible she looked post-op, and the pain, sickness.  I am not going to say it was easy.  In fact, the initial few days were way worse than I ever imagined.  I was relieved to see your later post that you have had some time to see just how steep of an incline that recovery curve is.  And it truly is.  I can attest 2.5 months out that the only reminder I have that I had surgery a while back is the simple fact that I get full on about 4 oz of food.  And that's the point!  I swear - no other symptoms or pain.  She will get there, too, and quicker than you expect.
4)  Know this - I have no regrets.  Not a single shred of second-guessing the decision.  I would bet next year's salary that your wife will not, either, when she is as far out as me.
5)  the absolute best support I have is that of my husband.  He is my exercise partner, he is my biggest cheerleader, and he is there to remind me that my progress is visible.  On that topic, I'll tell you that if she is like many of us.....she may still look in the mirror after having lost 25 pounds and not see the progress.  So the best thing you can do is help point it out to her - never blowing fluff, only genuine signs.  My husband notices when he sees a collarbone (who knew I had those!), he notices when he sees jawbones, notices when my pants get too big.....all real, objective, measurable things that we who have been there sometimes miss seeing for ourselves unless it's pointed out.


I sure hope you don't feel this is intrusive to respond to your call to the spouse side....and if you want to hear my husband's thoughts (because I could only wish that everyone on this site has a spouse as supportive as mine), email me and I'll give you his email.

Holly

Hi Holly

Actually, I appreciate the input. The more I hear people talk about their experiences, the more it helps me to be there for my wife than what I already have done. She is doing remarkably well. She already has gone back to work, She has been eating solid foods for a while already, but I guess what she eats and how it reacts to her is a trial and error thing. Perhaps even more interesting is that I have been forced to diet myself because my blood pressure has been high recently. So Im cutting back on the salt and junk food and trying to eat healthier stuff. Im encouraging her to walk everyday with me, something we never did before. She is a little frustrated because after the loss of 25LBS during the first week, she says that it froze at that weight. Yet, while she says this, I can't help to notice that she does look thinner, and I told her that If I notice it, (seeing her everyday), then she has to have lost a bit more.

Everything you said points out exactly what I wanted to hear before the surgery. Although I noticed that she was gaining weight all these years, I still saw her the same way as I did before, because I love her no matter what she does. After the surgery, I was shocked because to me it made me think to myself that she was oviously very unhappy with the herself to go this route. I never sensed that before, and we spoke about it afterwards, and I told her that i never saw that in her before. Obviously because Im a chicken when it comes to doctors and surgery, I will never see myself going that route, I give her extreme credit for going through it all, and I told her that she did more than i ever would have done myself. I always knew she was strong minded, but that goes way passed strong. I will do whatever it takes to be there with her. Like I said earlier, I would like to see more information for spouses like this forum, which I think doesnt get addressed too much in the support groups that we attended. Even more satisfying to me is to hear people like yourself who did the same surgery that my wife did and have no regrets. I would have liked to have been more supportive to my wife early on, but the unknown at the time was very difficult to understand. Thanks very much for your input!

Scared Husband,
If you love your wife, then be "in love" with your wife. Be there for her through it all. There may be some tough times, but stick to it. Don't give up even if you get frustrated.  It sounds like you may be scared, but she wanted it and you supported her by being there.  I don't have that.  My husband never ever wanted me to have surgery, but it was ok for him to go through it.  I was there supporting, encouraging and loving him.  Just listen to her and you will know what she needs, and you will know what she wants.  and if it still scares you......talk about it.  You know your wife best.  Thank you for being with her through this, it means a lot to her.  Give her hugs!!
  

mommyoffour

Im sorry to hear that your Husband didnt stand by you during this difficult time in your life. It's odd considering that he did it himself. For me it was difficult because I never had a surgery done to me before, and since I am chicken with anything doctor related, including having blood drawn from me, (i passed out doing it the otherday), i was not at all thrilled to hear that my wife was going to do a serious operation. I won't deny here at all that we didn't argue about it a few times, but as time has passed by, I have seriously eased up and would have to say that life is back to normal. the only difference now is that she eats less, and now im dieting too because of high blood pressure, so we both can support each other down this new road.

seriously, any spouses out there reading this, it is very important to be there for your spouse, from begining to end. I wish that I could go back in time and been better to my wife. I gave her a tough time before the surgery because I was scared to death of what she was gonna go through. If you love your spouse, I think that it would be perhaps a little strange for someone who has never done anything to be all happy about hearing that their wife or husband wants to do this, but talk it over, think about it, even ask questions at support groups and sites like this. Its important to understand why they want to do this. I think once you talk about that, you will be good or even somewhat comfortable with them doing it. It won't be hard when you see them after the surgery, but the recovery is amazingly fast. Very fast!

I understand you being scared. However to be honest she is doing this for HER and you have to respect and understand that. My husband is a thin guy so he didn't understand, he didn't understand me potentially putting my life on the line for what seemed like to him "cosmetic reasons". He wasn't as vocal about his issues with it as you, but he was really scared. He said he loved me no matter my size so why would I ever do something like this to myself. I'll tell you why I was not only willing to do it, but why i thank my lucky stars for being given this opportunity. In addition to having it because of all of my co-morb i had going on (borderline high blood pressure, borderline diabetes, sleep apnea, anxiety, gerd etc) which are a thing of the past now btw, but I had surgery beacause of how being so overweight made me feel. On the outside I was a confident person who had a lot going on for myself. On the inside I was an insecure mess. I avoided social interactions of all sorts. Even things such as sex ... I was self concious when my husband would touch me. Regardless of what my husband saw, or what other people said they saw, all i saw was the bad, all i saw was fat. So fast foward a year and everything is wonderful. I have more confidence than even I thought was possible. When you feel confident about yourself, it spills over into all areas of your life. My career has improved because I feel like I deserve the promotion and I am not afraid to put myself out there and have people look at me and discuss my potential. My marriage has improved because I am confident in myself so i no longer have to question what my husband thinks when he sees me naked. I really used to be at a point that I would internally roll my eyes when my husband said i was pretty because I just KNEW no one could think I was pretty at 280 pounds. Well I can tell you now looking back, my husband DID find me pretty, but I had to be at a point where I found myself pretty so I could appreciate it. I now like going out to dinner, I like taking out dogs for a walk. In a nutshell try your best to just give your support and try to keep your complaints to a minimum. She will need your support in the next few weeks and after that she is going to start feeling really good. Be there for her, be her cheerleader during this time because let me tell you we remember who was supportive of us, and who tried to hold us back. i know all of your intentions are good, but sometimes you have to do something for yourself, you know? As a wife you always put your needs and your wants on the back burner and take care of everyone else. For once your wife is doing something for herself so don't make her feel guilty about it, just support her. I wish you both the best of luck!