How Can I Help My Obese Wife?

Don M.
on 1/18/10 9:57 am
This is my first day on this website.  I've read several of the posts and can see that there are a lot of very caring people here.  I've come to this site to try to gain some insight concerning my wife's obesity.  She has tried every diet on the planet and has gained even more weight.  She is now close to or is morbidly obese.  We are 53 and have been married for 35 great years and have three children, three grandchildren and two more on the way.
My concern is for her health.  She has already had a heart attack, and diabetes runs in her family.  Recently, we had a very short-lived discussion about the possibility of wls which ended with her being angry about even having the conversation.  I am at a loss as to how to proceed from here.  I don't want to hurt her, but I also don't want to lose her.  I am fearful of her not being around to enjoy our grandkids.
Can anyone provide some counsel?  Should I just keep my mouth shut?  Should I be more forceful, even if it means her being angry for awhile?  I know she would need to make the decision for herself to have surgery.  But, how do I get her to even look into it?

Thanks for the help,
Don
jwohler
on 1/20/10 8:48 am - Salida, CA
Hi, I am your age and have been married for 32 years.  I was obese and all I can tell you this was the best thing for me, my bmi went from 43 to a 20 and I've lost 150lbs.  Now for your wife has any of her health care providers mentioned this to her about WLS I go to support groups and I also speak at the seminars to show what a success that I am, not only  that it works, but you have to work it properly, I like your wife had been on so many diets and yes to gain back and then some.  I know I at one point had been over 300 lbs, but 2 summers a go I  have a 18 year old then 16-17 and I lost because she was giving me so much grief , they'll do that to  you.  Well so far I am 14 months out as of today, and I've done really well, but you have to keep focused, this is just a tool, I keep track of everything that goes in my mouth, I never want to go bac to where I was.  Just explain to your wife, there is so much more in life than just eating we only eat to survive, she can do things that won't allow her to now.. I hated to go up and down the stairs now well no problem, I was walking about 8 miles a day have slacked off, but will get back there.  Just show her you care and this can be done, all I can say is life is so much better, my diabetes is gone my joints don't hurt and I can wear normal clothes, my husband said I was going to put him in the poor house, buying all these clothes, I was overweight for so long and now I can really feel good about myself.  She needs to do this for herself and has to want to do it.  Just talk to her and tell her how you feel, you want her around, you know one of my doctors told me I'd be lucky if I was around in 10 years, well I was pissed off and found another doctor but I now wish I would have done it sooner, I don't eat bread,pasta,rice or potatoes  but that's my choice, and I attend 3 support groups and am on offter wls sites.  PM me if you have questions any can be a success at this if you work it right.  Good luck.
Judy 
    
Mr Mom
on 5/24/11 5:40 am
tangos_hubby
on 1/22/10 4:40 am - Canada
hi there,
my wife is only 30 and she had the surgery.  she said in the past that she would never have it but after having loss of breath a few times she decided something had to be done.  she saw dr graber in new york and that was in may of 2009.  and he said if she didnt have surgery she would die in less then 10 years,  she had it and is doing awseome.  a friend of ours had the ame surgery and is in her mid 50's and could not walk far and less then a year after surgery is now walking and doing a lot,.    show your wife the before and after pics on this site,  that may help.  or have other family members talk to her.  hope this helps

darren
Don M.
on 3/11/10 12:59 am
This is a very belated thank you to those who wrote back.  My wife has decided that since I have looked into wls that I don't really care about her welfare.  She believes wls is extremely dangerous and now does not trust me.  So, I'm backing off completely.  And, prayiing she will decide on her own to investigate this.

PalmettoCrab
on 4/7/10 12:02 am - Lady's Island, SC
call and talk to her doctor.  Tell him your concerns and maybe he can address it with her next time she is in.
Kristen  Put on your Big Girl Panties and DEAL with it!!        
Fo' Shizzle My Sizzle
on 10/25/10 11:20 pm
Hi Don,

Would you and your wife happen to have any friends in common who had a successful weight loss suregery? If so do you think that person may be willing to talk to her? That might help to dispel any myths on how dangerous it is compared to letting the obesity co-morbidities take over her life. Some WLS has a high cure rate for diabetes as well.
dollybigmomma
on 1/22/11 10:14 am - TX

Bless you for wanting to help your wife and keep her longer and in good health!  Unfortunately, it sounds like she isn't ready or willing to do this, and until she is, it wouldn't do her any good anyway.  Life after WLS is a big change and she has to be willing to commit to those changes in order for her to be successful.  The only thing you can do is love her, support her, and show her how much she means to you every day.  As a last comment on the subject, you could tell her that the idea of growing old and enjoying your grandkids without her makes you very sad, and you're going to miss her when you have to leave her home to attend their events when it becomes too hard for her to leave the house or participate.   I know it's a personal choice to have WLS, but to have the opportunity and pass it up, especially in extreme need cases, seems almost selfish to me because it's the spouse and their families that are left to care for the obese person once their co-morbidities wreck their health and leave them incapacitated.  I doubt she's considering what it's going to mean for you when you have to wipe her behind or change the bandages on her body when diabetes sores develop and she's too big or unable to reach to tend to herself, and at that point, she may be beyond surgical help.  I hope she doesn't reach the verge of blindness or amputation before she gives it some consideration.

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