Mad World - Need any advice or insight

I do not know any other person in this world who can relate to our problem and I have reached hopelessness and despair.   I am reaching out to you.  No one understands.  No one knows what to say. 

 

I feel like I am living in Gary Jules ~ Mad World.     

The dreams in which I am dying are the best I have ever had…my husband is the best man I have ever had and I am losing everything but my kids.

 

Five years ago, when we initially met, I weighed 125 lbs. my husband weighed 200 lbs.  I didn’t want to marry a smoker so he quit.  And he began eating.  In less than 2 years he put on about 188 additional lbs, so he was about 388 lbs.  He went from an active engaged proactive loving self-confident man to a man that just didn’t care about life excluding work.  In public, he goes through the actions.  But he doesn’t help with much, he is in physical and emotional pain every day, he doesn’t like to get out excluding shopping or occasional kid outings.  His health went from near perfection to approximately 10 different types of pills and health issues ranging from diabetes, bells palsy, hypertension, leaky liver, to an enlarged heart.  Our two year old has run in front of vehicles and he can’t stop her because he can’t catch her; strangers had to protect my child.  Twice.

 

This is one of the most brilliant amazing men in the world, literally a genious, and our marriage is deteriorating because of his weight and how we have so poorly handled the effects of his weight.  Words cannot describe how much of a caring father he is. 

 

I hurt him – Two years ago when he hit 388 and after numerous trips to the ER and his sugar, if I recall it hit 500; the clinical lab literally called our house before the doctor to make sure he was okay.  I told him that if he hit 400 lbs. I would divorce him because I would rather our children have a father than be married to him.  He is the kind of man, who historically did not react to requests, pleading, or conversations.  Ironically, he has stayed just under 400 lbs for two years.  At this point I wanted him more than any man in the world, so this was hard.

 

He hurt me – He virtually quit reacting to me physically over two years ago.  He never wanted or wants sex.  I have begged and pleaded for sex for two years.  We fought more and more.  I understand circulation issues and feeling insecure.  I feel until last week and he agrees that I have never called him weight related names, I have not made him feel unwanted, I have supported him.  I had a baby with him and was still 158 lbs until six months ago.  He became more and more obsessed with his weight and tried crash diets and starving and you name it, he tried it.  He then told me I “had put on weight and was pudgy."  So I spent the last six months in the gym with a trainer two to three times a day until I lost the weight with a low calorie diet.  Now I am at 129 and he says I am too thin and he does not want me.  I weighed 125 when I met him by the way.  Yesterday he told me that he does not think I am too thin, he is just taking his frustration out on me. 

 

I told him three months ago, that him not looking at me or wanting me and rejecting me over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over was taking a toll on me.  I stated that I was putting up a wall and was starting to simply not care.  I said I would soon reach a point where enough is enough. 

 

Last week I hit that point and told him our relationship was over.  He then reacted.  Now he is cleaning, we are in therapy; he i****ting the gym and really dieting the right way.  But I was serious when I said we are over.  Last week I realized I did not want him or to be treated this way anymore; I honestly can’t differentiate which it is.

 

I feel rejected, unwanted, angry…..Why couldn’t he successfully diet before?  And do I trust it will last, no.  He has lost 20 lbs this week, which baffles, scares, and impresses me simultaneously.

 

He signed up to do gastric bypass and only had a sleep study left.  He could schedule for three weeks from now.  I am against this surgery because I would rather my children have a heavy father for five years than him not make it.  And I truly believe he can lose the weight on his own. 

 

He broke my heart when he told me last week that he was having the surgery and it was his decision and it is time I support him.  He is right, it is his decision, but I feel like I supported him and tried to hold him up for the last three years.  I feel betrayed that my input doesn’t matter.  After I said it was over he then held back on the surgery, for now…I am worried that maybe I made a mistake and should support the surgery.  And no I did not say it was over to stop him.  If his insurance covers WLS and he doesn’t have to jump through any hoops, what if that changes when his insurance renews and insurance won’t cover it later?

 

Is there another woman out there whose husband does not want her for years and years because of “his weight?"  I don’t mean this question in an offensive manner because my heart is broken and my life is hanging on a thread here.  I am a successful, kind, bombshell whom he wants, but doesn’t want to sleep with???????????  I don’t get it.  I am insecure sometimes but I still wanted him, until now.  And I truly think this is different for men than women…can a man who is overweight tell me otherwise?

 

He is going to start therapy for his compulsive and addictive tendencies next week.  I am married to a man I feel has driven me away maybe subconsciously and now that I say I’m leaving he magically wants me.  So confused. 

 

If you made it this far thanks for reading and if you have any input my children and my heart appreciate any insight. 
Wishing each of you the best.
Longhorn

You have every right to feel like this but this sounds like a man that finally woke up! I just hope it isn't too late. I can totally relate to your husband. I am not 400lbs but I have been overweight for a while now and have had similar health problems. I have tried every diet known to man but can not take it off. I am not sure how it is for a man but for me my libido was the first thing to go. My husband has told me how rejected it makes him feel. I have tried to explain to him that it is nothing against him it is hard to feel sexy when you feel like a beached whale. I have two incisional hernias that swell on a daily basis which leaves me feeling about 9 months pregnant. Do you remember how you felt 9 months pregnant? Your husband probably feels the same way. I make an effort but sometimes just go through the motions.  I have done research on the whole sexuality thing. I adore my husband but when you feel  horrible sex is the last thing on your mind. Men seem to get their desire back with WLS. Things function better. He might be making excuses because he simply can't do it. Saying there is something wrong with you is alot easier than finding fault in himself. It sounds like he is an amazing man worth fighting for. Don't throw it all away just yet.I have to say I am very grateful for the patient man that I married. I am sure there have been times he has been at his wits end with me.  This surgery has truly changed many peoples lives. I am scheduled to have the surgery on NOV.11. For me LIVING A FULL AND ACTIVE LIFE IS WORTH THE RISK. My husband and I know a lot of women my age that have been very successful with this. He needs your support to be successful. I am ready to take this fat cacoon off and find the beautiful butterfly underneath. Remember fat little caterpillars are not very active, attractive or healthy acting but given the right time and environment they can turn into one of the most amazing, beautiful things God has ever created.

Sometimes it takes something drastic to realize what you have. It sounds like he has had an "oh shoot" moment and realizes his problem. The thought of being without you has woke him up.

I would hope that you will support him in the surg. It's easy to go from 158 after kids to 129. But its vertually impossible to go from 400 to 200 without gaining it back with extra. Its a proven fact it will happen 90% of the time. We all just need a tool and that is where the surg comes in. We all know the 2 things that loose wt, Intake and exercise. The surg will help with the intake, it is up to him to exercise and loose what the intake will not do.

Please support him in this because it sounds like he has woke up and really does want to be back at the hunk you married and ad kids with. Good luck to you and him.

Robby--TX

 

 

longhorn-

It sounds like you are emotionally done. And it is unfortunate that it has taken so long for your hubby to wake up, but from what you are saying he is doing absolutely EVERYTHING he can- better late than never! Sometimes guys ignore it when women talk about our feelings, often they don't know when we're just talking and when we're dead serious. But when you told him the relationship is over, I think that's when he realized just how sersious you've been.

Please hang on and have patience with him. If he's doing everything he can to change his health, let him do it. Sometimes weight loss has a huge effect on libido, maybe he wasn't ignoring you because he didn't want you, maybe it was the weight killing his sexual appetite. See what happens once he's lost some weight. Maybe get some counseling to help you through this?

Best wishes!