Husband cheating cause I am to thin

My husband is cheating and doing all kinds of crap--- He told me he misses me being big and now that I am 117 pounds he isn't in love with me and won't have sex with me cause it's to hard being he isn't turned on. I mean is it just me but I never thought I would hear this crap. sarah

I'm so sorry he is being such a jerk!  It sounds like an excuse to me!  You deserve better than him...

First of all you live right near me YAY!

 

Second of all...I would never expect to hear that from someone.  You are to thin so I don't want you?  IS he nuts?  I really hope that you two either work it out or that you both figure something out that will make you both happy.

I am sorry!

We live close?? That is cool!! we should get in touch can never have to much support!!! my email is [email protected] and my # is 313-530-1324 thank you for the kind words your a beautiful woman! sarah

wow that is insane. your a beautiul woman! he should love you big or thin, thats what love is...

hope things work out for u

I would NEVER cheat on my wife; I would never even suggest that I love her any less or that I would ever leave her because of her weight...but I do miss "that big girl I married".

It sounds like your husband is a jerk and does not understand love and commitment, and if that is true, you are better off without him.

But if there was ever any kind of real love there - even if it was only your real love for him - you owe it to each other to try to understand this issue.  I know it first hand, and it is very hard for someone who is attracted to large women - someone who CHOSE a large women to be their life partner - suddenly change. 

Think how most men would react if their thin wives gained as much as you lost.  I mean you'd still love them, if you were a decent person.  If it happened slowly over the years, you might not like it, but you'd be happy you were growing old together.  If it happened because they gave birth to your child, you might not LIKE it, but you'd be so happy to have a family...

BUT...if they DELIBERATELY did it - it would hit you much harder.  It would feel like they did not care what you thought - like they did not care if you found them attractive.  It would be a bummer because of the loss of attraction AND it would feel like a slap in the face and a "you don''t matter" move.

I know this dilemma first hand.

Yes. 

I am (sort of) one of "those spouses".   I say "sort of" because:

 - I nerver tried to get my wife to gain weight; I just did'nt want her to change her weight by 100 lbs (how many men who are very attracted to their wives want them to change their weight by 100 lbs?) 

SO....
 
If you are interested in understanding this what MIGHT have gone wrong in your (alleged) beloved, go to the forum at Dimensions magazine (link below).  I started a thread there asking large women and others who find them attractive why it should be so traumatic for me to have my wife to have WLS.   We have been very happily married for 18 years, and I thought if you loved someone, it should not matter (that much).

That  initial thread caused an outpouring of responses --

 - over 130 replies;

 - some very long and detailed;

 - some support, some jeers, some empathy/sympathy, much speculation

 - some responses from spouses who had been thru this;

 - some from people who thought I was just being a selfish jerk;

 - some who thought she was being vain and mean;

 - but mostly from people who were sympathetic to both of us and just wanted to help me understand what was going on in my head and help me get thru this experience.

So if you want to understand this issue, and know what goes thru the minds of those who are attracted to fat women, I'd recommend two links for you:

1.  as described above, the long, extensive discussion at Dimensions, with all those replies:
http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showthread.php?t=35 529

AND

2.  The Confessions of a True Fat Lover (A kind of FA Manifesto):
http://www.lardbiscuit.com/lard/truefa.html

The "Confessions" piece is very well written and insightful.  It is compassionate and may help you understand the frustration of being a person who loves the look & feel of fat in a culture where fat is abhored. 

This is a very sensitive and painful issue for many people, and I suspect that it is a big problem for many spuouses who don't even consciously realize that they are attracted to fat. 

I believe that there are many, many people in our society who are "in the closet", even to themselves, about their the role of fatness in their sexuality, and about the delicious sensuality of a having fat partner. 

They are the ones who are gung-ho for their partner to get WLS, but then start freaking out when the weight comes off.  Don't be fooled into thinking this is just "jealousy" or "insecurity" - sometimes it is, but sometimes it is genuine confused feeling about what men think they are "supposed" to want and what they really want.

At least I knew what I liked, and was open about it to myself and my wife.  Some poor spouses don't even know what'**** them.

If your husband really loves you,  he needs to find a way to keep his commitment to you even if he does not find you as attractive as you were when you were his ideal. 

I had a dozen roses ready for my wife when she came out of her WLS.  She knew I did not want her to have WLS or lose weight, but I wanted to make sure she knew that I still loved her and cherished her, even though she had WLS against my wishes.

If the love between you and your husband is real, it is worth working thru, no matter how painful and sad and angry and long it takes.

If your love is not real, then even if you were still fat and he was delighted with you and treating you like a queen, that's not real love, and you'd be better off moving on, so you can have a chance to find real love.

Isn't saying, "... being attracted to fat," is a bit like saying being attracted to cancer, or diabetes, or hypertension, or sleep apnea, or a host of other obesity-related diseases, most of which are or will lead to life threatening cir****tances? Healthy People are attracted to Healthy People - mind, body, and spirit.  Men who profess to be "attracted to fat" are not healthy - they are hiding their own feelings of inadequacy and insecurity behind the unsuspecting Fat Girl - who then gets to suddenly feel like she is "loveable" after all.  None of this - absolutely none of this - is healthy on any level.  The reason the divorce rate is so high amongst WLS couples is because the "loser" (patient) unburdens his or her/Self from the trappings of morbid obesity - the thin person is released from what has felt like a prison and the first thing that is embraced is HEALTH.  This is why so many WLS marriages end in divorce.  There is still a spouse *****mains very unhealthy (in the head) - and that is usually the man who professes to be attracted to the Fat Girl.  I don't buy your theory a bit and I will shout it from the rooftops until I am hoarse or dead - STRIVE FOR HEALTH. Move your bodies, exercise your minds, live your fullest, most passionate life - and get rid of anyone or anything that is holding you back.  Maureen

Sarah, kick that asshole to the CURB!! He is possibly bringing all kinds of micro-organisms and viruses to your bed and putting YOU at risk because of HIS insecurities! That is NOT love, darlin.' You are healthy and beautiful. There is never an excuse for infidelity. Once that trust is broken, I don't think it can ever grow back. There's always suspicion.

A friend of mine had WLS and lost about 160 lbs., becoming very fit and healthy, and her husband got possessive and jealous and would not support her choice at all, or go out and do things with her, or anything. He sat there on the couch like a lump, *****ing 24-7. They ended up divorced, and she is much happier being free of his petty whining and complaining.

Only you know whether the marriage is worth saving, but my gut says not. Your husband may prefer overweight women precisely because so many are timid, accomodating, and eager for male attention after being ignored by most guys. Now that you have lost weight, perhaps you have become more independent and confident. That's probably what he doesn't like!

Melissa, there are lots of reasons some men want to be with heavy women; their own insecurities, makes them feel powerful, use big women to "hide" behind in terms of their own sexuality issues (sexual identity confusion is a big one), some just are attracted to large women - do some sluething, are the women your husband is now messing around with, are they large women? Plus-size women? Then he's got issues that are about HIM not about YOU. See beyond the painful existence that is your marriage right now and get out of it - move on, you are young and beautiful and there is a whole Big World of men who will love to meet you! Best of luck, keep us postedi. Maureen

Sarah

Your husband is cheating because he is attracted to heavy women.  It is not you personally.  My ex for example is attracted to women that weigh in excess of 400 lbs. and how I know this is I Found *****n our computer where he was looking at sites that specialized in severly obese women.

I never liked being a large person but it just happened.  any way it is not you.Some people are just attracted to larger individuals. 

My advise is you deserve only what is best for you. Not saying that going through this is easy, not at all.  perhaps begining by talking about the cause of his infidelity would help.



Hugs from balitmore

Zells_lori is'abuddingrose'