marriage is going to hell

my husband had the GB 3 years ago this past dec,  he tells me he loves me but doesnt know if he loves me the way a husband should we have been married 21 years, he had been spending alot of time with a female gym buddy at the gym but no affair, but i think he emotionnly got attached to her. he has been in therapy for about 6 weeks and says he has other isues from before he ever met me. i am devistated and have crohns diesease the the stress just landed me in the hospital again. he says he loves me and he is not leaving me but he needs time. yesterday i was crying and he told me that getting upset like this ****** him off, and that he is in a crossroads in his life, if he turns left he leaves if he turns right he stays but it is up to me to convince him to stay, i have given him my entrie life and did all the hoop jumping with the insurance company to get him approved for the surgery, how canyou become so cold. how do u stop loving your wife because youhave lost weight. i am a terrible mess. he talks in circles. i love you but, i need time, im not leaving you but, i need time. his therapist has us dating agian, but he shows no compassion, no desire for sex anymore, and does not want to talk about what is going on at all. says that is why he has a therapist. i told him maybe i should just leave and then he says i am quitting and if i go he is not coming after me. al i get is "i need time" can we make it thru this please anyone have this situation and were able to bring back their marriage. i am devistated. then he says he is starting over in his life and why cnt we start over. i am so confused. thanks for letting me rant, i need support to get thru this and my therapist did not help.

i thought this forum was to help people i guess not.

I am so sorry that you are having such a sad experience with your husband.   My partner of ten years and I split up after his wls surgery.  From what I can see there are many losses of loved ones after wls.  It seems to wreck lots of lives.  I suggest you look after yourself right now.  Get a bit of counseling if you can.  I personally believe that there are many untouched issues for obese people that they try to cure with wls and it just hurts those around them too many times.

You need a couples therapist...not just individual counseling for him!  Find a marriage counselor who believes in marriage and won't just suggest splitting up because it is easier.  Maybe go to your church priest/pastor/rabbi (whatever) and ask for a suggestion of a good MFC.   I will keep you and your marriage in my prayers ksj458.  My marriage has had to survive a lot of stuff and I know that working hard at it TOGETHER will pay off.  You need an unbiased outsider to help you through this...that is why a good marriage counselor can be very helpful.
Best of luck!

I don't know if I can be of much help, my situation is sort of the opposite of your's. I had the surgery and my husband hates me for it. I want to save our marriage, he doesn't. The thing is, he's pulling some of the same crap it seems you are hearing. He's made up his mind already, he's just looking for a way to blame it on me and take the blame off him. It sounds like it might be the same for you. I really do feel for what you are going through. I really wish you well, but I hope that you can put your own well-being first. He may not be having a physical affair, but it sounds like an emotional one. Maybe he did have issues before, but you shouldn't be punished now for them. It sounds like you have done all you can, stay strong, but always know that you deserve to be happy too.

My story may not give you the encouragement you need but maybe some insight. My husband always said he loved me even as I went 165 when we married to 18 years later when I was 290 pounds. He just wanted me to be happy. Our intimate life had deteriorated because I couldn't stand to see myself naked! I had the WLS twice, being successful the second time. I was chasing him around the house for some loving! I thought it would be the opposite. He said he hated seeing me go through the rough part - the throwing up, the trouble eating, etc. I was warned by the therapist I saw prior to my revision that significant others sometimes act this way. He had always been supportive. I was finally the person he always said I should be - confident, self-assured, most of my insecurities gone. Two years ago, which would be two years after my DS and I had reached my goal, he announced that he was unhappy and wanted out of the marriage. During one of our many conversations about how he could have been unhappy for so long, he blurted out that he "missed his fat wife". To this date, those words still ring in my ears and I still don't understand. He said he had been unhappy for a long time and I never noticed. I wasn't happy but I certainly wasn't happy to the point of divorce. Maybe there were problems before that you didn't know about. We went to three therapists. Two marriage counselors and my private therapist *****luctantly agreed to see us together. All three asked the same question, "Why are you still married?" You need to find another therapist for yourself to help you through this and a good marriage counselor if you think your marriage can be saved.. Sometimes it takes trial and error to find the right one. I know it did for me but when I found her, she helped me through issues I didn't even know I had. Now after the divorce, I need her more than ever but she moved out of state. I'm lucky that I generally hate food or I easily could have gained back a lot of weight. I wish you all the luck in the world. Our divorce was final right before what would have been our 24th wedding anniversary.
Sorry I don't have a more positive story. I hope yours is different. My kids were grown and I had this image of us finding each other again. He had a different image.  I will say this - I'd rather be single and starting over at 175 pounds than at 290.