Invasion of the Mind and body snatchers

Hello all, I'm new to this site and I'm turning to this site as my last resort to find some answers on how to cope with a wife that pays me no attention since she had surgery.  Before her surgery she was an extremely beautiful person.  She was loving, kind and sweet, she was everything a man could want in a woman.  Sure we had our share of problems, but that's a given in any relationship.  When she first came to me about the surgery I was hesitant because I know how much of a drastic change a person makes after having this surgery.  We went to the orientation and her doctor said something that haunts me to this day.  He said that if your relationship is broken and you have problems now, don't expect for things to get better after surgery, they will get worse.

At this point, my wife grabbed my hand and said you don't have to worry about that baby.  I felt her sincerity and believed her, or I wanted to believe her.  Now I feel as though I was used to get on my insurance, now that she's had her surgery, I am no longer on her mind.  She walks around as if I don't exist.  I'm hurting so bad inside and nothing I say to her matters, nor does it change her personality.

She talks to other guys on the phone, claim they are friends, but if that is the case why sneak and talk to them?  I guess I'm old fashioned and believe that married people should have mutual married friends.  That way there will be no confusion as to who belongs to who.  Maybe I'm living in fantasy land, I don't know, but I just wish I had my wife to myself.

I wish I could walk around without a care in the world and not think about her like she does me.  I guess the difference between her and I is the fact that I love her dearly and try to show her.  But she no longer wants to kiss me, she acts as if she's a teenager soaking her wild oats or something.  I just don't understand how people that have surgery say they do not change, but everyone around them changes.  That may be true in some cases, unfortunately not in this one.  My wife has no care in the world about nothing, I'm a good guy, I just think that if she never had this surgery we would still be in love.  I'm glad she's healthier, that's a plus, however, she is now obsessed with losing more weight. 

Not only has she lost her weight, but I have also lost my wife and best friend.  Is this a lost cause and I just need to give up on her and let her go, or should I continue to fight for my marriage?

Has anyone else experienced this?

I don't know if you are interested in hearing from the "other" side but I am struggling in much the way your wife is.  I have been married for almost 14 years and have a beautiful 10 year old.  My husband is a good guy and other than basic problems in our marriage, things seemed pretty solid.  Fast forward 13 months and I feel like a teenager going through puberty.  Intellectually I know this is not possible and I know the feelings I am having are not based in reality but I have changed.  Let me explain it this way.  When I met my husband I was bigger.  It didn't bother him.  Prior to us getting married I did the Phen/Fen thing and lost weight but I knew I would end up gaining it back.  I believe part of the reason why I married my husband is because he was someone I didn't think would leave me just because of my weight.  Additionally, because most of my college years I was 225+ I never got to experience men checking me out or admiring my physical beauty.  They always needed to see PAST the physical to who I was as a person.  If you have never experienced this and then lost 100 pounds and begin being told that you are gorgeous it is hard to ignore.  There is a world of possibilities that have opened up to me that didn't exist before.  What I have been told is that post-op this feeling is very common and it is recommended that you wait it out for a couple years.  I am trying my hardest to do just that.  I know it is better to be wanted for the person you are inside but it is absolutely intoxicating to be desired sexually by men when you haven't had that experience....even if I am almost 38.  It seems totally ridiculous.  I am an intelligent and educated woman and I find myself totally perplexed and confused (and immature in this aspect of my life).  I have decided to seek counseling on my own and explore where these feelings are coming from.  I hoe your wife comes around.  It probably isn't anything you did or say.  It is that she is experiencing something new in her life and doesn't know how to process it.

I hope it gets better for you both.

Making a marriage work takes a daily commitment to love your spouse.  All I can say is be patient and supportive.  Do your best to show your wife how much you love her and want her.  If she gets a lot of positive attention from you that might help.  Also, work on your self esteem...do you feel like you may not be "good enough" for her now or that you aren't on "her level" anymore?  Women are attracted to a confiden man and insecurity is unsettling for us...not sure if this is an issue for you, but it is something to think about.  Lastly, have a good conversation with her about how she is feeling about your marriage.  See if she would be oopen to seeing a marriage counselor.  Make sure you are meeting her needs (ask her what those are) and be patient.  She is going through a time of drastic change and it may take her time to get past the rush and excitement of all the new male attention.