Help with insecure partner

 Hello all!  I hope you had a great Thanksgiving!  My husband and I have been having some issues with the fact that I am having the RNY next month. I found out in an argument that he is afraid I will leave him after surgery.  I know I can't really "help" him, but what can I do or say to help ease his mind a little?  I'm not a "beat around the bush" type of person, and he and I both know there are no guarantees in life.  I was married for 12 years to a horrible person.  After I divorced him, I met Brett, and we married three years later.  This man is my soul mate.  He lets me be who I am, accepts me, loves me, and cherishes me for who I am.  He makes sure I KNOW by his actions AND words that he feels this way, and that he finds me irresistible(his words not mine..lol)  Long story short, I have never been so happy with another person. (HOWEVER...we fight with just as much passion too..lol) But the point is He has supported me through thick and thin on everything, including the decision to have surgery.  And I was very surprised to find out that he had this insecurity..even though I think its normal.  What can I do to help him??  Thanks for any suggestions..

HI,

Me and my husband are also going thrue the same we don't fight ever but we have been dicusing him being insecure which he wont admit but like i told him we have been thru alot in the past 21 years and I love him and only him and we both know I'm going to go thru alot of changes but all he can do is support me and reassure me so basically what i told him was the complements and the extra attention and the support should come from him and as long as we are their for one another the things that do change should be for the better  of our relationship.
 
He should also think of the positive not negative.
And the same should be for us we need to reassure them of our love. 
Good luck
Michelle

Hi there!  I am going through almost the same things as u except I dont have a surgery date yet. View my page and my posts and u will see how we are very similar.

I understand what he is going through, as my husband had wls in March, and ask for a divorce in May.  I thought he was my soul mate, I have supported him through thick and thin, and loved him when he was heavy and even changed my lifestyle to accomodate his surgery.  I have lost weight as well, so after reading the statistics about the divorce rate after this surgery, I can understand your husbands concerns.  I would not have discouraged my husband from having the surgery, as it was what he wanted, and even if it means, that I have lost him, he needed to do what he had to do, for him.  Just love your husband with all your heart and soul, and don't take anything for granted, enjoy every moment you have together, as you said there are no gurantees, and take it from me, this is a heart wrenching experience that should be a celebration for both of us, and instead it is my worse nightmare.  You can remember that he has been there for you, and do NOT get hooked up with people who say all the right things and convince you that he does not understand, because he understands you more than anyone will ever understand you.  Be careful who you pick to be your friends.  My husband started talking long hours to people on OH, because they understood, and kept them and this whole sight a secret and it and them have been a huge part of the loss of a marriage.  Best of luck to you.

Well.... I'm in the same boat.

I wish we had been as pepared for the possible outcome before the WLS.  I think talking about this before the WLS would've been very helpful.

Anytime there is a big change in a relationship, it can put major stress on things.  Even having a baby, which eventually brings you closer together also pulls you apart as you try to handle such a huge change in everyone's life.  This wls might be similar.  Long term you know that it is best for you and your relationship for dozens of reasons, especially health.  But it might be hard for you or for him as you have to deal with the actual surgery, recovery, changes in eating habits, and changes in your body.
My husband is down 50 lbs and so far we've just had to deal with him being depressed about not getting to eat good food.  I do wonder about whether he'll get more female attention once he's lost the weight.  I think as long as we keep doing what we are doing and have been doing for 16 years we'll be ok.  But we try really hard not to take each other for granted.  I try to do things to make him happy and he tries to make me happy.  He is 40 so midlife crisis might affect us sometime down the road, but we are just taking it one day at a time, just like all our previous life changes like having our four children, post-partum depression, cancer, etc.
Good luck.

Thank you for your response. I'm glad to hear that things are going well so far for the both of you! We have been talking for the last few days on ways we can help eachother through this. And we have agreed that if something is not working, we will try something else..lol. I think its the best I can hope for right now, and I think if we keep the communication level up we will be ok.

Tell him you love him. Tell him you know he loves you. Tell him that there are no guarantees in life but that being overweight is killing you slowly. (Assuming you are actually Morbidly obese).

Ask him how he would feel if you chose to abandon the surgery just in order to make him feel more secure and gave up your chance to be the person buried deep inside you. Love is a giving thing not a getting thing. Does he want to GIVE you the opportunity to blossom and soar OR does he want to GET a free pass and security knowing that he has less competition while you are heavy.

WLS WILL change your relationship. Bank on it. But if he loves you he has to put you first.

 

 

 Thank you for your reply and the advice.  Things have been better and we are talking about the subject all the time.  I only have a week to go, and frankly..Im scared.  I have been second guessing myself like mad, and asking him (and everyone else under the sun) if I'm making the right choice.  I know that I am the only one who can answer that question, but on his end he keeps reminding me that I am at this point for a reason, and if I don't go through with it, I will probably be dissapointed that I didn't.  But then he adds that he will suport any decision I make.  I know this will change our relationship, I just hope it changes it in positive ways.  It took me 32 years to find him, and I have never been this happy in a relationship.  Ever.

I'm pretty new around here, I was posting a little bit about 6 months ago.. So this is just my opinion, take it or leave it, whatever works for you

But IMO this is some of the worst advice I've read for this scenario. This is coming from a woman who is morbidly obese, with a husband who is also morbidly obese, and we are also "soul mates", in fact I think of us as "twin flames" (look it up sometime.)

I am the spouse that is facing the insecurities, and my husband looking into surgery.

This is my way of thinking about it. Remember his insecurities are NOT about you, they are about HIM. Also, you are a "team". You are not "him" and "me". Sure there are things that are "him" and there are things that are "you". But when it comes to something so life changing that needs such an amazing emotional and psychological support, it needs to be "us".

If you go throwing it in his face that he is making this about him, and not you, etc, you are not going to do anything but make matters worse. The way that the above poster said it makes it sound like his worries and his fears are unimportant. They should be important.

You need some major support in this life changing move that you are making. The thing is, as a couple, a loving couple, what affects your life also affects his etc.

Sounds like the two of you need to have a sit down and communication of what is going on in your minds and hearts. Let him know that you are going through such a wide range of emotions right now, excitement, fear, doubt, and you need him to be there for you... but, you understand that he has unique fears of his own, and you want to be there to support him also. Let him know that it's ok to share this with you, as you'll be sharing with him, and together you will come through this happier and healthier.

I am looking into couples counseling for my husband and myself... I want to do this before a date is even set for his surgery. We've been married going on 10 years, and there is no man in the world that could possibly share my soul the way that he does.

I try to remind him that not only do I 100% support him in this, but that my fears, anxieties, and worries should only show him even more how very deeply and passionately that I love him, how devoted I am to him, and how important he is to me... because you see if I wasn't experiencing these concerns, I think it would be a huge red flag of the opposite (at least for myself).

I hope I haven't offended anyone, but coming from someone who is most likely feeling many similar feelings as your spouse, I had to respond!

Melanie (Loving wife of Tim)