Husband wants an apology for years of my fat...
Our story...
I've been married for 12 years. When we met I was 225... we broke up twice because he said he couldn't handle my weight, but then we reconciled, and when we reconciled the 2nd time I truly believed he had decided that it didn't matter... right... I went on adkins and lost 45 pounds, and when I hit a size 14, he proposed.
Between proposal and marriage, I put on 5 pounds, which he now refers to as "packing on the pounds"...
Weight went up and down, we now have a 7 year old old that we both adore... But for years we've acted like roommates that tolerate each other... He totally blames my weight for denying him what he deserves. Let me point out that he's 5'6", bald, and weighs 200 pounds himself (quite the pot belly).
I had lap band in May 2007, and have lost 90 pounds, so right now I'm at the weight I was when he proposed. Just 2 weeks ago someone we knew got mad at him because they thought he had gotten rid of his old wife and gotten himself a trophy wife (he didn't recognize me...). But there's still this lingering resentment on both sides.
He has no sympathy for my problem with food. All he sees is that he was denied an attractive wife for all those years. He says that I owe him an apology... that part of recovery for any addiction is apologizing and trying to make up to the people you've harmed. He said he went on prozac for 2 years, and really is trying to lay on the guilt.
Personally, I resent him for not being able to see me through my weight, and not being able to love me regardless... Do I owe him an apology for having been fat??
Boy, I was stupid. I never should have married him knowing that he had this issue with my weight before we married. But now we have this great kid, and he wants to stay together to give him a stable home. Honestly, I'm not so sure.
He wasn't even very supportive of my surgery. He wanted me to have it, but went through the motions of helping me through recovery. According to him (in our first honest discussion last night after years of simmering nastiness), he said that "rather than deal with your addiction, a scalpel helped you avoid it".
I plan to call a counselor today, to start talking by myself, and then bringing him into it (which he only grudgingly agreed to do last night).
Thoughts?
Beth
Lap Band 5/07 270/180/?
I've been married for 12 years. When we met I was 225... we broke up twice because he said he couldn't handle my weight, but then we reconciled, and when we reconciled the 2nd time I truly believed he had decided that it didn't matter... right... I went on adkins and lost 45 pounds, and when I hit a size 14, he proposed.
Between proposal and marriage, I put on 5 pounds, which he now refers to as "packing on the pounds"...
Weight went up and down, we now have a 7 year old old that we both adore... But for years we've acted like roommates that tolerate each other... He totally blames my weight for denying him what he deserves. Let me point out that he's 5'6", bald, and weighs 200 pounds himself (quite the pot belly).
I had lap band in May 2007, and have lost 90 pounds, so right now I'm at the weight I was when he proposed. Just 2 weeks ago someone we knew got mad at him because they thought he had gotten rid of his old wife and gotten himself a trophy wife (he didn't recognize me...). But there's still this lingering resentment on both sides.
He has no sympathy for my problem with food. All he sees is that he was denied an attractive wife for all those years. He says that I owe him an apology... that part of recovery for any addiction is apologizing and trying to make up to the people you've harmed. He said he went on prozac for 2 years, and really is trying to lay on the guilt.
Personally, I resent him for not being able to see me through my weight, and not being able to love me regardless... Do I owe him an apology for having been fat??
Boy, I was stupid. I never should have married him knowing that he had this issue with my weight before we married. But now we have this great kid, and he wants to stay together to give him a stable home. Honestly, I'm not so sure.
He wasn't even very supportive of my surgery. He wanted me to have it, but went through the motions of helping me through recovery. According to him (in our first honest discussion last night after years of simmering nastiness), he said that "rather than deal with your addiction, a scalpel helped you avoid it".
I plan to call a counselor today, to start talking by myself, and then bringing him into it (which he only grudgingly agreed to do last night).
Thoughts?
Beth
Lap Band 5/07 270/180/?
First I am not a marriage counselor, BUT, in MY OPINION, you do not owe anyone (especially the father of your child) an apology for being obese. You should be extremely proud of yourself for what you have done. Not a lot of people will go through what you did to stay alive longer and have a better quality of life. This is defiantly not something you need to apologize to any one for. I think you are making a good choice to go to counseling. The amount of weight you have lost so far is fantastic. Keep up your great work, every day look in the mirror and tell yourself what a great person you are. You have a child who will have their parent around a lot longer because you were not selfish and did what you had to do. Good Luck..
Ira H Sansolo
Obesity Help Support Group Coach
Co-Leader "Its up to you"
http://www.obesityhelp.com/group/UpToMe/
" The secret is, there is no secret, you just have to believe."
(From Kung Fu Panda)
Feel free to PM me anytime for support, you have a lot of people here who care!
Ira H Sansolo
Obesity Help Support Group Coach
Co-Leader "Its up to you"
http://www.obesityhelp.com/group/UpToMe/
" The secret is, there is no secret, you just have to believe."
(From Kung Fu Panda)
Hi Beth,
I have never been to this forum before. I was just checking in and I read your post. Wow. That's all I should say but I will go on...Because I'm just that way!
First of all staying with a mentally abusive man to give your son a stable home is not doing anything but teaching him how to talk to his wife. Sorry, I have been there. I have a 22 year old who treats his wife the way he saw his father treat all of his wives.
You are who you are. That's all you can be. Most people do have a weight problem. And for most of my life I have believed that I was a bad person because all my life I have been heavy. After being on this site I have realized the size of someone doesn't make them a worthwhile person. Or even a person worth your time at all! Criticizing someone who is not the "ideal" size you think they should be is as bad as criticizing someone who is not the color you want them to be!
You sound like a very smart person. I'm sure you were smart 90 lbs ago too! I also have a hunch that 90 lbs ago your self esteem was not nearly as good as it is today.
Speak to that counselor and get the advice you need. I can say that you should tell that small minded man you are married too that you are the one owed an apology for the years of living with him. Loving him. Giving him a son. Probably cleaning up the hair he was losing off the bathroom floor and putting the toilet lid down. I could go on all night!
Get something out of the life you are living because you only get to live it once. There are no do overs! Be happy while you are here. Your son will benefit more from your happiness then your thinness! (I know you are healthy thin, but your being happy is most important!)
I've been very happily married for 15 years and I know how how it feels to be totally in love and loved back. I hope you know that one day too! Its the greatest feeling in the world. UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!
You can PM me anytime! I wish you the very best!
Hugs
Kim
I have never been to this forum before. I was just checking in and I read your post. Wow. That's all I should say but I will go on...Because I'm just that way!
First of all staying with a mentally abusive man to give your son a stable home is not doing anything but teaching him how to talk to his wife. Sorry, I have been there. I have a 22 year old who treats his wife the way he saw his father treat all of his wives.
You are who you are. That's all you can be. Most people do have a weight problem. And for most of my life I have believed that I was a bad person because all my life I have been heavy. After being on this site I have realized the size of someone doesn't make them a worthwhile person. Or even a person worth your time at all! Criticizing someone who is not the "ideal" size you think they should be is as bad as criticizing someone who is not the color you want them to be!
You sound like a very smart person. I'm sure you were smart 90 lbs ago too! I also have a hunch that 90 lbs ago your self esteem was not nearly as good as it is today.
Speak to that counselor and get the advice you need. I can say that you should tell that small minded man you are married too that you are the one owed an apology for the years of living with him. Loving him. Giving him a son. Probably cleaning up the hair he was losing off the bathroom floor and putting the toilet lid down. I could go on all night!
Get something out of the life you are living because you only get to live it once. There are no do overs! Be happy while you are here. Your son will benefit more from your happiness then your thinness! (I know you are healthy thin, but your being happy is most important!)
I've been very happily married for 15 years and I know how how it feels to be totally in love and loved back. I hope you know that one day too! Its the greatest feeling in the world. UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!
You can PM me anytime! I wish you the very best!
Hugs
Kim
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me." Erma Bombeck
19 lbs lost before surgery
9/3/09 Full TT, MR, BL, BA, Arm Reduction and Lipo 10-12 lbs skin/fat removed
I have been married 16 years to my overweight husband. He just had VSG. I have never thought he owed me an apology.
I have never resented how he looked. The only thing I can think of that I might have resented him for is that he would ask me or the kids to fetch things for him because it is difficult to move around and go up and down stairs.
You husband sounds like he has some issues. I doubt your weight is responsible for the prozac. He sounds like he has some things to deal with.
You need to take care of you. Go to counseling for yourself. If you manage to find a good counselor you will be able to see your relationship more clearly. You might find that when you make some changes in how you view yourself or your relationship, his behavior might change. Perhaps understanding yourself with help you understand him better.
Sometimes a marriage can become better! It is worth it if you can get to that better place. So many people give up too easily. In 16 years we've had downs, but the ups are worth it if we just get through the downs that life is full of.
I hope you can find a good counselor. If you don't like the first one, find a better one. Good luck!
I have never resented how he looked. The only thing I can think of that I might have resented him for is that he would ask me or the kids to fetch things for him because it is difficult to move around and go up and down stairs.
You husband sounds like he has some issues. I doubt your weight is responsible for the prozac. He sounds like he has some things to deal with.
You need to take care of you. Go to counseling for yourself. If you manage to find a good counselor you will be able to see your relationship more clearly. You might find that when you make some changes in how you view yourself or your relationship, his behavior might change. Perhaps understanding yourself with help you understand him better.
Sometimes a marriage can become better! It is worth it if you can get to that better place. So many people give up too easily. In 16 years we've had downs, but the ups are worth it if we just get through the downs that life is full of.
I hope you can find a good counselor. If you don't like the first one, find a better one. Good luck!
Absinthe
on 11/9/08 11:24 pm
on 11/9/08 11:24 pm
You absolutely DO NOT owe him an apology! If anything, he owes you one! The nerve of him! 
Tell him that you'll apologize to him but he has to apologize to you for going bald, being 5'6" and weighing 200, etc. Tell him that now that you look great, you're deprived of a good-looking husband to look great for! Teehee!
Tell him that you'll apologize to him but he has to apologize to you for going bald, being 5'6" and weighing 200, etc. Tell him that now that you look great, you're deprived of a good-looking husband to look great for! Teehee!
I can't believe anybody *****ally loves someone would EVER ask them to apologize for this!!!!!!
Going to counseling for yourself is a wonderful thing!!!
Inviting him along to see if there is anything left in this marriage FOR YOU is admirable!!! 
Keeping your self esteem and NEVER APOLOGIZING for being obese is PRICELESS!!!
Sounds like you are already doing what you need to do to take care of yourself! Just remember, you DESERVE to be happy too!! Sure, we all feel that being brought up in a home with both mommy and daddy is a good thing, but sometimes two seperate homes with a happy mommy in one and a happy daddy in another is even better!!
Good luck to you and your family!!!
Patrice
(deactivated member)
on 11/23/08 4:30 am - Aubrey, TX
on 11/23/08 4:30 am - Aubrey, TX
If you think you're providing a "stable" home for your son by grudgingly staying together with your husband you better think again. Many children learn how to be a spouse (and what they expect their spouse to be like) by watching their parents. That's one thing I've learned in our couples counseling.
So think about what it is you're really doing. Is it more stable? Or are you teaching your son to make the same mistakes you have made?
I really hope the counseling works for you two. If it doesn't, give it some serious thought.
So think about what it is you're really doing. Is it more stable? Or are you teaching your son to make the same mistakes you have made?
I really hope the counseling works for you two. If it doesn't, give it some serious thought.
sfnativewm
on 1/16/09 9:21 am
on 1/16/09 9:21 am
I hope that once you feel good about your hard work with the band to lose weight that you consider seeing a therapist to help you learn that you do not now or ever need to live in an abusive relationship. Children learn this thoughts and habits even when we think we are hiding it.
You deserve to be happy and with being happy your child will grow up to be happy!!
LOL now my real thought is "DUMP HIS ASS!!! so you can begin a new life and find a loving partner!!
You deserve to be happy and with being happy your child will grow up to be happy!!
LOL now my real thought is "DUMP HIS ASS!!! so you can begin a new life and find a loving partner!!
~Ann~
Band removed and feeling alive with energy!
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