question for spouses of wls patients

Hello everyone. This is the first time I have posted on this board. I have a question for the male spouses.... My husband has been relatively supportive of my surgery. Before surgery he didn't want to talk about it because of fear of losing me on the table, but he did support me. Was at the hospital, took 2 weeks off of work, etc. After I came out of surgery just fine he was great and talked to me about it, etc. Now, I'm 3 months out and have lost 70 lbs. He's still supportive, tells me how proud of me he is, etc. But in the last couple of weeks I've noticed he's a little different. When I tell him my weekly weigh in, he acts a bit jealous (he's overweight as well, but has dropped 50lbs) so I have stopped telling him about the weight loss. Last week he was gone for a week for business and when he got back I was sick (flu). He was upset that I didn't jump him the second he walked in the door and didn't believe I was sic****il I showed him the thermometer (temp of 101). Then he accused me of getting sick from my lover!! I was shocked and couldn't believe it! He said that since I have lost the weight he thinks I'm cheating and then when I wasn't jumping for joy when he got home he KNOWS I probably have someone on the side. He even went as far as to ask our 3 year old son how many Daddys he has!! We sat down and talked and he told me that he is proud that I have lost the weight, but everything is different, even our intimate life. He says he's not making love to the same woman. My question is, am I going to lose my husband because of this weight loss?? It thought we were doing great. Our love life has been spiced up because of my ability to do more in the bedroom. I will admit my libido has slacked off a little. He has a very active libido and complains if he doesn't get it every day LOL so that isn't a new issue for us. But he seemed pleased by this "Wow, we haven't done that before!" attitude. Can any of you give me some advice on what to do to prevent my marriage falling apart???

Hi My wife is 1 month pre op. I would suggest you find a good counselor. At the suggestion of our spiritual advisor we went to counseling . It really helped to have someone none judgemental to help us sort things out. To clear the AIR. Your husband is scared and fearful. Fear makes you say and do things that you would not normally do. Reassure him of your love and for now you may need to make love to him when you are not really up for it. If there is a support group take him to it as well. Having a three year old takes a lot of energy. Let him know that you may be just worn out at the end of the day. Go on dates with you hubby, special times your you and him, set it up to warm up for lovemaking, Send him little things, When we had small kids we needed to take time for our relationship. I hope this helps I belive we will be fine. We have been together 32 years. Take Care Taylor

SamIam,

I can relate to a certain extent. I have supported my wife since day one. Yes, I had the same concerns as your husband in regards to losing you on the table and all that. I knew it was what my wife wanted and needed. As far as the cheating stuff. My wife and I pick about this. PURELY PICKING. Some say that's not healthy but we have fun with it. Anyways, there appears to be some kind of a trust issue with him for one reason or another. Maybe you are aware of why and maybe you are not. He is probably seeing you as a more attractive person and he's not changed. He has concerns that you want someone else or, are not attracted to him anymore. In whatever way, you need to re-assure him. I read prior to my wifes surgery that this would come and what to expect. Having read this, it helped me out a lot. The main thing is.....have you had marriage trouble in the past? Is your marriage strong? Stuff like that.

As far as him being jealous? Well, funny you say that. I found myself just 2 days ago feeling jealous because for as long as I can remember, my wife was heavier than I was. Just this past Wednesday she told me she was down to 261. I weigh 271. She is 10lbs lighter than me now and it's different. I started to find myself getting jealous and I am just a wee bit but at the same time, I am so excited for my wife as she feels better, she's looking better, I can see a difference in her even though I see her everyday and not to mention the "us" time in the bedroom is already getting better. So, to sum it up, YES, I believe too, that you need to go see a counselor and/OR the two of you need to sit down and have a heart to heart. You need to reassure him of your feelings and if nothing else, get him on this board. It has helped me out especially before her surgery.

Good luck and we'll be here if you need us and we'll be here if he needs us too.

I am 6 months post wls with a 50 pound loss.  I am 11 pounds from goal and terribly excited about  finally getting my old body back into shape.  My husband has been there every step of the way with me.  While I was researching my surgery, I printed off information from this web site about relationship problems and divorce following the wls.   My husband and I discussed it  together and he even read the articles with me so we knew before hand that the weight loss could cause relationship "bumps".   It all depends on how you work on them as a couple and going into the surgery with all of the facts and the information  has made a bid difference for us.

Lucky for me, my hubby is very pleased with my weight loss and the attention that I get from his friends and other men.  I have to admit that being heavy or overweight does take some of the stress of being a WOMAN  when you are out in public.  We have to face facts that  "some" men are dogs.  Most men that I am around on a daily basis are good guys but there are those few men that give all men a bad name...  Since losing the weight, I have been hit on my my husbands friends and even the husband of one of my dear friends.  My hubby and I have developed a bond that he says he knows when I am feeling uncomfortable in a  conversation wtih a man because I give him (my husband) a certian look that he says looks like, 'you better get your self over here now!".  We laugh about it because it is true.  I do not feel as comfortable having private conversations with some of the guys that we hang around and I have always been very comfortable hanging out with the guys and doing all of the guy stuff since I am very tom boyish.

In 18 years of marriage, my husband has NEVER expressed  or acted like he was jealous about anything or anyone that I was around.  Since I am a state trooper, I am around men all the time.. Recently a male friend of mine request to go ride to a training meeting with me.  I was shocked when my hubby said he was jealous and had rather that I did not go with the guy.   Of course,  I did not ride with the guy as it  took a lot of effort for my hubby to tell me he was jealous.  I respect that and I want our relationship to grow from my weight loss as I grow as a person.
So far, we are happier than we have been in 8 years and I have a new found respect for our relationship.  He is more attentive and respecctful which had been missing from our relationship when I was over weight.
WLS has been a "gift" from above for us.  I think that knowing upfront that there could be changes in our relationship, was very helpful.  Lucky for us, our changes have been for the better.   Thanks for listening..