My husband wants his fat wife back!

When I went to counseling prior to my revision from RnY to DS, she told me that sometimes it affects the relationship between a husband and wife. When I had my DS, we had been married 20 years. Almost exactly one year ago, my marriage fell apart for various reasons. In the course of our many attempts at communicating, my husband told me that he misses his fat wife. I was in shock. I am now everything he always told me I should be, that I was underneath those layers of fat. I am confident, I have a great job (whidh I wouldn't have gotten if I was still fat), I have more energy, our kids are grown and we were about to embark on that all important us time. That empty nest time to get to know each other again and so on. We celebrated our 23rd wedding anniversary in separate homes. And, I don't think we will get back together. I want to be treasured and wanted. He can't do that. But what scares me the most about having to suddenly be single at age 50 is what my body looks like as a result of the surgery. The 120 pounds I lost (which is what I gained during the course of our marriage) didn't leave me with too much flapping skin, just enough to be self conscious. And, i can't afford surgery. I just don't understand how he could have said that to me or what he meant by it. He wouldn't or couldn't explain. Has anyone else been told that?

I also miss my fat wife. Her getting WLS has destroyed our marriage. I am in costant agony and pain over this.

Let me first say I'll be praying for you. Only a few days ago I was listening to a radio show where they were talking about how empty nest syndrome causes many marriages a lotta trouble. After putting so much of your time and self into raising kids, many times you lose track of who you are to each other. I don't claim to have a solution, only wish to give some peace of mind. From your account I think your husband may have meant, though not said, that he can't deal with you being more confident, and having a great job, and more energy. Did he actually tell you before your surgery that you should be skinnier, and more energetic, and more confident, something you implied from your post. He should be able to celebrate with you that you are healthier, not be selfish about what he lost. Do you think he is insecure now that you've had the surgery?

Could it be that he wants the "Fat Wife" back, the one that was subservient?  Now that you feel  strong, attractive, and confident, maybe you don't treat him the same way, and he missses that.  Good or bad... You should never be subservient, however, maybe there's a compromise, maybe not.

Good luck.

Update:
Our divorce was final this past January. He wasn't against the surgery, or at least he never said he was. I was never subserivant, believe me! I was the one who took the reigns in the marriage. I do now know that he hated my recuperation. All the nausea, the throwing up, the unhappiness of not being able to eat my favorite foods. But it was on him. He said he'd been unhappy for many years and I never noticed. I've since had a TT, panni and breast reduction. Insurance paid most of it and my parents paid the rest as a 50th birthday present. All that is really left is a thigh lift, which I need desparately. My thighs are very top heavy. The upper most top of my thigh protrudes maybe a couple of inches from my now extremely flat stomach. I think I look darn good but it's very difficult being single, just like it was at 20 yet different. We remain friends but that will most likely change once I get into a relationship. He was already in a relationship about six months before we filed for divorce. That hurt iike hell. Even though we were separated, we were still married. And the ironic part is that I know her and always liked her. But I think she is a lot like me. The kicker is that the last time I saw her, she had gained a lot of weight!! Now what do you thinkg of that?!