Discovered something about marriages that end after WLS
hi everyone,
I am new to posting on this board. I am just over a year post-op and although I was a "lightweight" I lost 95lbs to make it to goal! This is great for me and my family. I did decide to look through this board as I had an experience that I needed help with. The jealous husband/marriage changing problems. Where as every situation is different, I though I should share my experience. If I can help one couple, then I have done something good.
Let me start by saying that my husband always had a minor jealous issue even when I was larger, but he is an amazing and loving man and Daddy. I know he has some past issues and upbringings to contribute to this and I knew this when I married him. We have been together for 17 years. Married now for 10 years. We had our first big fight in 10 years this week. Last week, people were envious of the pure true love and wonderful marriage we have, this week, it crumbled. Please be aware that your entire life could be turned upside down at the blink of an eye. Don't ever take for granted the good things in life and always work to keep them.
For the past 6 months while I was losng weight, I discovered Facebook. This addicting website is okay for some, but for people like me who have gone through this life changing WLS, it was too easy to look for approval and to advertise change. I didn't even realize that I was doing this until I almost lost my husband today. I sent an email to an old friend, nothing big, but I guess a joking kind of flirt. My husband saw it. It broke his heart. Although I never had any intention of cheating or leaving my husband, it hurt him deeply. He had a breakdown today and then went driving. I was so scared that he was going to end up in an accident. Completely terrified I was really going to lose him. It was then that I realized that even though I am going through alot of changes right now, so is he. He has been completely supportive and loved me before and after WLS. I have found in the last 6 months I have been selfishly thinking of me. Of all the accomplishments I have made and how I am always trying to improve myself. ie...makeup, hair, clothing. Guess this is like my own little addiction to replace food. Still not 100% satisfied, I am always trying to look better. People used to ask me what the secret was to a long loving marriage. Well it is to make sure you are always working towards making the other person happy. Whether it be a simple I love you, maybe a back massage, or even jus****ching a movie together. Always remind your love that they are special to you. Remember that although turning heads is a great feeling, they loved you for you inner beauty long before WLS. They are the ones that truly love you. Don't get caught up in the excitement of attraction. Especially for many of us who never had it before, this is a challenge. It feels good to turn heads, even though we have no interest in that person. We become obsessed with the compliments, sometimes fishing for bigger and better ones. Trying to make more and more improvements. As long as you always cherish you partner and realize that love is a life long job, your marriage will be stronger than any obstacles thrown at you.
Please note, I know there are some major jealousy issues that I believe counselling may be helpful for, but if there are small issues or if you feel like you are drifting apart. Stop and analyze your own actions first before jumping to point fingers. This was a hard realization for me, but I am so glad I discovered it before I lost the greatest love of my life. No we can work on the next 17 years together. Good luck everyone and may you all get to share a great love in your lifetime.
Congratulations on recognizing and working to rectify the problems. It's easy for some guy on the internet to say just the right things to you...after all he has a backspace button. What's harder is trying to express yourself in real time when the person you love is growing more and more distant.
Good Luck to you and your hubby. please remember all the things that you said above.
You are both very blessed to realize before it was too late. My husband of fourteen years had wls in March and ask me for a divorce in May of this year. He was spending hours talking to women he met on this site, and now I guess the excitement of all that is more important than my unconditional love and support. I loved him however he was, he has and always will be beautiful to me. I also had some jealousy issues, that I have had to work on, but I can say this has been so difficult, but I am very glad to see a happy ending!
Hi Shelley;
I am so glad I read your post this is so true. it is sad right here on OH site I have read many post that after their surgery their marriage ended. that is sad when God honors marriage. I study research alot marriage after WLS we all must work on it daily no matter what NEVER forget your better half , I have encluded my husband in everything all the way. his likes and dislikes, and now having six children 4 foster and two adopted ages 10 with low autism and has fragule x disorder, two three year olds and two two year old one one year old and it is very easy to forget about each other our needs as a couple.I am almost at my goal we talk about plastic surgery how he would like to see my butt shape that he likes the breast everything now he talks about it more than I do. making sure all vitamins are there protein, he even goes to the Dr with me ask many quetions to help him understand what my body id going through, he is my greatest support besides my mother. but yet we all know marriages goes through changes its how you as one handle thoughs changes, I give God all praise. just keeping it real If it be Gods will I plan on being here until God says my time is up on this earth our marriage is worth fighting for just as we fought for this surgery to change from bad to good. God bless you Most Active
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