What can I expect?

Hello, I'm hoping to get some responses from those that have had their spouse go through WLS. What I'm wanting to know is~~~ what can I expect from my spouse when I am post op? Of course I know everyone is different and Obviously I know that there will be changes in me, but what about him, those of you who have a spouse that is post op, please give me a little in sight as to how you feel about this whole process, please GOOD or BAD I wanna know Thanks so much Donna

Well, I'm not the spouse but the patient, rather. I can tell you that my husband was not really in favor of me having the surgery, but he wouldn't tell me that because he wanted me to make up my own mind. He still supported me 100%, though. He's had some issues dealing with my weight loss - some of them positive and some of them not so. He is pleased with the way I am looking and my increased activity/ability level. He does have some qualms dealing with the way others (men) see me, and he's not too thrilled with the attention that I get. Still, he trusts me, so it hasn't been a serious issue. He has mentioned several times (kidding, sort of) that he's afraid that I am going to be less satisfied with him now, and when he visited one of the forums on here and read some of the posts where the WLS patient wanted the opportunity to date around and "try" new people, it took a couple of days to get him calmed back down. All told, it's been quite a transition for both of us, but we're making it. I posted on here to another post warning that this spouse board is pretty dead. You might want to try your question on several of the boards here before you find one that's "live". I do most of my posting here: http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/RNY/a,messageboard/board_id,5465/ Best of luck to both of you!

My DW and I both had RNY procedures in March of this year. From the perspective of her husband, she has had a major boost in her self esteem, which is very good. We have been fortunate that we both are on similar diets, which has helped us. A downside can be adjustments to diet for the non-surgery spouse. The non-surgery spouse also needs to be prepared to pick up some of the household tasks, especially following surgery and recovery. Eventually, most post surgery folks have an increase in energy, but sometimes this is not until they are several months out. Non-surgery spouse needs to be willing to be very supportive of new nutritional needs, strongly encourage all of the important nutritional areas (protein, liquids, vitamin supplements). Non-surgery spouse needs to help take initiative to support the spouse's exercise needs. Many post-surgery say their intimate relationship is better after surgery, which is a positive for most men I know! --Dave 350/232/205

I can't speak as a patient, but I'm a spouse, so here goes... First, I do check in with the board a couple times a month, but haven't posted--let's face it, the below posts are not very encouraging if your loved one is having surgery! My husband's program puts it like this "WLS makes bad marriages worse and good marriages better" and I'm thinking that I agree... My husband had surgery at the end of June, after having to loose 109 pounds in order to qualify. I drove him to appointments, etc, for about the first wee****il he was comfortable enought to drive himself. I performed a lot of "waitress" service (and pharmacy runs) the first few days while he was not moving a lot (ie he was getting up and moving but not neccessarily popping up ever time he needed to switch a DVD : ) There was a bit of lifting involved and, of course, different cooking duties. The biggest adjustments, as a spouse, were (a) having him home from work while recovering and (b) knowing that, while I can support him in every way possible--with kindness and good food and all--he's essentially in this alone. I can't be his conscience, and he doesn't need me to be. I encourage and am "there" for him, but in the end it's up to him. I can't control or nag or whatnot... One thing that helped me come to terms with things was my husband really being honest with his reasoning (the words "morbidity" and "mortality" were used) and the fact that he chose the Lap-Band, which has way better stats than the Gastric Bypass. He also selected an excellant program whi*****ludes a variety of supports. They discussed the psychological ramifications... It seems that paranoia can easily set in, with spouses worrying about their newly "hot" husbands and WLS patients trying to figure out their new body image while being smothered by their spouses. It took me weeks to somehow convince him that I wasn't going to be calling his cell phone every 10 minutes tracking his every move! *lol* Don't know if any of that is a help, but there it is. We're one month out, he's back at work half time, has lost around 15 more pounds, and is doing great (except for a weird "flourescent green tongue" thing, but that's another story!) Bethany

Thank you all for you responses. I supposed that we will get through whatever it is that comes our way, I feel pretty confident that our lives will be soooo much better once I have WLS. Things are tough now, I hate to go any where, I'm always un comfortable...I could go on forever, but I wont. I'm just so ready to get healthy and start enjoying my life and my family, I know it wont be easy but I can do it. Thank you all once again and I wish you all a lot of happiness and sucess in your jouney.

Hi Donna. Such a great question! This is something that I plan to talk more about in an upcoming edition of OH magazine, but while others share their stories with you, I thought I might share the following article - hope it helps. Please feel free to contact me if you want to discuss it more personally. Warmly, Kathy ______________________________________ Almost all of your close relationships will change substantially as dramatic weight loss occurs. While your weight loss will affect all relationships, your marriage or partnership is likely to change the most. While it is true that a very high percentage of WLS patients get divorced within the first two years after weight loss surgery, this does not mean it will happen to you. You and your partner can prepare for the change and have an even better relationship as a result! As for why this happens, there are many answers. Some people become more outgoing and socially extroverted as weight loss progresses. With weight loss, some individuals see themselves as being attractive to new groups of people that they felt were inaccessible before. Some people have underlying psychological reasons for being overweight. Not only do post-ops face the stress of implementing new behavior patterns, they may also mourn the loss of the relationship they had with food. Some people report being addicted to food, and they may be at risk for trading one type of addiction for another. Such substitution behaviors include: (1) starting to drink more alcohol, (2) starting to use drugs, (3) abusing prescription drugs, (4) increasing sexual behavior, (5) shopping excessively, or (5) gambling when the food cravings can't be satisfied. One thing seems to be true of how most marriages change with WLS: the surgery intensifies the state of the relationship. If your marriage is a strong one, it is likely to stay strong - as long as you prepare, talk openly and honestly about your wants, needs, and expectations of the relationship. If your marriage is not as strong, WLS is likely to stress it even further. If your marriage could use a little help, I strongly recommend working with a marriage counselor before the weight loss surgery. Whether your relationship is great right now or could use some fine tuning, the tips below are designed to enhance your marriage before, during, and after WLS. As you change, your relationship needs to adapt - the secrets to a strong and loving relationship are talking and listening. Secrets to Talking: 1. Say what's on your mind. Express your concerns, worries, and fears. Problems don't get better if we ignore them. 2. Really say what you mean. Don't hint, just kindly ask for what you want or need. Hinting statement: "Don't you think it's hot in here?" Nicely asked statement: "Honey, would you please adjust the AC, I am really hot." 3. Beware of ESP, wishing, and wondering. Don't expect someone to read your mind. ESP example: "What is he doing over there, doesn't he know I need help!" Wishing statement: "I sure wish you'd go with me, you know I don't like to go alone." Wondering statement: "I wonder if you're concerned about the dishes piling up." 4. Say what you want, not what you don't want. We often spend more time saying what we do not want, which leaves our partner wondering what we do want. Make it easy on them, tell them what you want. Don't want statement: "I don't want to go to that boring movie." Do want statement: "I really do want to go see that new Anthony Hopkins thriller." 5. Make requests instead of complaints. Complaint: "I don't like that outfit you're wearing." Request: "That outfit is pretty casual for the restaurant we're going to. I'd feel more comfortable if you wore something a little dressier, especially since I am wearing a suit." 6. Use gentle, calming, and emotional words. Inflammatory statement: "Mark, stop driving like a maniac, you're going to get us killed and when you make those sharp turns, I want to throw up!" Calming statement: "Mark, I'm feeling a little sick, would you please drive more slowly." 7. Speak about yourself instead of speaking for the other person. Speaking for someone else: "You make me feel unattractive, you never compliment me." Speaking about yourself: "I feel unattractive. When you hardly ever compliment me, I think I must not look good to you." 8. Use "I" statements. You statement: "You never help me around the house!" I statement: "I am really pretty wiped out, would you please help me with the laundry." 9. The magic expression: "When you _____________, I ____________________ ." This works wonders with almost any situation. If you use the template above, you can tell your partner what they are doing or saying that is hurting you and then follow it up with a request. 10. Five things to avoid: Guessing what your partner is feeling, guessing what your partner is thinking, labeling your partner, criticizing your partner, and/or commanding your partner to do/not do something. Secrets to Listening: 1. Actively listen. Listen for what is right, what is true, what is useful, and for what makes sense in what your partner says. If you can find some truth in what your partner says and acknowledge that, it will do wonders. 2. Instead of saying "but," say "and" But statement: "You could go play poker with the guys, but you promised me you'd clean the garage." And statement: "I think it would be great if this weekend you could play poker with the guys and clean the garage." 3. Pay attention to your body language. 4. Focus on what your partner is saying, you can look for the TV remote in a few minutes. 5. No one expects you to fix everything or know everything, just listen and be sensitive. 6. Avoid listening like a lawyer, judge or a detective. You're not trying to find fault or start a fight, you're listening to learn. 7. Repeat what you've heard and show that you understand It's magic to say, "So it sounds like you'd really like me to spend more time helping the kids with their homework and tomorrow night I will check with them before we eat dinner." You can also show you understand by repeating what you heard, nodding your head, asking a question to clarify what you heard, or making a statement that builds on what your partner has said. 8. Express empathy. Here's a great template: "I can understand that you're _________________, if that happened to me, I'd feel the same way." My very best tip for stopping an argument: When responding to your partner during a discussion, first respond to their emotion (are they sad? hurt? angry? frustrated?) and then respond to the content. For example, in response to "When you are not here for dinner, I miss you and I feel like our time together is not important to you. I'd really like it if you could make it a priority to be here by 6pm, or if not, just call me and let me know when to expect you." I might say, "Sweetheart, I am sorry that I hurt you by not being home for dinner. You are a priority to me and I will make sure to be home or let you know." ________________________________________________

Hi donna I am a spouse of a RNY post 1 year out and I am a lap bander 4 mos post and I come from a different perspective then most people. My hubby had many co morbities and had suffered a Pulmonary embolism and the weight loss surgery was to save his life and he did reach his goal 179 and has remained at 182 pretty much for 6 mos now he looks good and he feels good and he is off all meds except for the blood thinners so from that stand point the surgery was a sucess and a life safer and I am greatful I was very supportive of his surgery and went to all his doctors apts etc and I decided to have wls but I choose the lap band due to fact her was vomiting so much and is basically a vegatarin now he cannot eat meat much so i kinda shyed away for RNY I am not doing very well with my lap band and my total weight loss has been 24 lbs since april 1 and only 10 due to surgery it has really strained our marriage and he this ego bigger than life and has lost any empthy for my slow weight loss, he tells me he doesn't understand . he does not show up all my apts and that hurts but works comes first I suppose. He gets tired of me complaining and he lost weight due to malabsortion I have to lose weight with portion control and my lap band is a tool not a quick rapid weight loss I am feeling like a failure and the pressure of friends family thinking I should lose weight faster does not help situation I feel my marriage is on rocks due to having 2 different kinds of WLS surgery I would never reccomend 2 different wls that will kill a marriage. decided against RNY because he had alot of complications I am kinda resentful that I opted out for lap band. I feel he is police of my food choices and that is very hard to deal with, he is basically a jerk now and he is not the man I would choose to spend rest of my life with RIGHT NOW I want the fat man back but only if he was healthy, Guess u really can't have your cake and eat it 2. I guess I am jealious of his weight loss and see my self as a failure bottom line. I have alot work ahead of me not just with weight loss or lack of weight loss and physically but I have alot of issues I did not think would be a issue,but now I have alot of anger and resentment toward my spouse something I did not expect from weight loss surgery. I am being brutually honest here,trust me I feel so bad I have this feeling towards him right now.I have told him how I feel but it is like he doesn't care or even bother to understand where i am comming.I have to owe up to these feeling and have to deal with how I feel but hard enought adjust to new way life with out having this added on. I had a good marriage before wls and now I have no clue if it will weather another storm, we did lose a 12 month old granddaughter TO SIDS a week post his surgery (she was living with us) So that also added a strain on marriage as it was like losing a child and we did lose our twins 26 years ago As a couple we have been threw alot but this surgery has divided us and could be the death of our marriage .. I hope this helps Lisa i

Great Question....my wife is scheduled on Dec. 10, my birthday...lol, I am very nervous but really very supportive of her. I would never have pushed her into the surgery but realize that this is not for me. She is a great woman, mother and wife. Her communication skills are a standing joke that we have, not the best on telling feelinigs. Mine are the other hand are maybe a little "too good"...lol, she always knows what I am feeling and I am working on that because soometimes things are better thought about before being said. Because of all the posts I have a fear of losing her either physically or emotionally from this surgery. I have heard of many changes in personality and it comcerns me. She was a wonderful woman when I fell in love with her and is even more so now, I do not need an improved version of her personality but she wants an improved version of her body. I want and need help for this as I DO NOT WANT TO LOSE HER, and I want to be the suporting husband that she deserves. If you have had a positive experience through all of this please let me know. I do realize that all people are different but will also point out that human nature many times is similar. Thanks for reading if you still are. Mike

Hey Mike, I m very lucky, like you my husband is very supportive of this whole process. He goes to support group meetings with me, and he has been to every one of my Dr. Appointments (pre-op). My husband's main worry is me just making it through the surgery (and I will) LOL, everything else I think will just fall into place, first and this is just what I believe, You have to be very secure in your realationship, and it sounds as though you are. I think that you have to love your spouse wheather they are 500lbs or 100lbs, you love them for the person they are, and the person you know they can or want to be. All we want for our spouses is for them to be healthy and happy within if that happens then I truly believe that will help to keep that relationship strong. Mike, I have not yet had surgery, but my day is very near November 27th 20007 5 more days to go. I have no worries about the support that I will get from my husband, he is a good man, and I know that he loves me, it's just what you do when you love someone, You support them. Talk to your wife about your concerns, fears, hopes and whatever is on your mind, Just tell her how you feel. I wish you and your wife great success through this journey. You know things can only get better, if you know what I mean Please keep intouch and let me know how things are going for you. Happy Holidays Donna