Newbie here, concerns regarding WLS and the outcomes
Hello all,
My name is Dee and my partner is having WLS in september. As a spouse of a soon to be WLS patient, so many thoughts and feelings I find are flooding my senses on a daily basis. I'm excited first and foremost. I know how hard my wife has worked to reach this point in her journey. I want her to be happy, healthy and full of the confidence I see flickering in her eyes. But then there is the fear....what if something goes wrong during the surgery; and I've read horror story after horror story from spouses who are now seemingly cast aside by their partners post-WLS. We have a strong bond, yet the numbers can't lie---many, many couples seperate following this surgery.
I am glad I have found this board, and I hope it proves to be supportive. I don't know if the other spouses out there have found this, but I've been lurking on a few different boards (not just this site) for awhile now, and sometimes it appears that we get abused a bit by WLS patients. As I've just found this site, I hope it proves to be different.
If there is any advice, from other spouses out there, I'm open to any suggestions!
Much thanks ,
Dee
Dee, I wish you both the very best of luck, but I did want to warn you that this seems to be a dead board.
There's a lot of activity on several others here that deal with surgery types and all, but the spouses board sees very little activity at all.
Might want to try this one:
http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/RNY/a,messageboard/board_id,5465/
(deactivated member)
on 8/5/07 4:13 pm - Newport Beach, CA
on 8/5/07 4:13 pm - Newport Beach, CA
Hi Dee. The way you're feeling is so understandable and very normal. I am posting an article below that I think may help - hope so! 
-Kathy
_______________
Almost all of your close relationships will change substantially as dramatic weight loss occurs. While your weight loss will affect all relationships, your marriage or partnership is likely to change the most. While it is true that a very high percentage of WLS patients get divorced within the first two years after weight loss surgery, this does not mean it will happen to you. You and your partner can prepare for the change and have an even better relationship as a result!
As for why this happens, there are many answers. Some people become more outgoing and socially extroverted as weight loss progresses. With weight loss, some individuals see themselves as being attractive to new groups of people that they felt were inaccessible before. Some people have underlying psychological reasons for being overweight. Not only do post-ops face the stress of implementing new behavior patterns, they may also mourn the loss of the relationship they had with food. Some people report being addicted to food, and they may be at risk for trading one type of addiction for another. Such substitution behaviors include: (1) starting to drink more alcohol, (2) starting to use drugs, (3) abusing prescription drugs, (4) increasing sexual behavior, (5) shopping excessively, or (5) gambling when the food cravings can't be satisfied.
One thing seems to be true of how most marriages change with WLS: the surgery intensifies the state of the relationship. If your marriage is a strong one, it is likely to stay strong - as long as you prepare, talk openly and honestly about your wants, needs, and expectations of the relationship. If your marriage is not as strong, WLS is likely to stress it even further. If your marriage could use a little help, I strongly recommend working with a marriage counselor before the weight loss surgery. Whether your relationship is great right now or could use some fine tuning, the tips below are designed to enhance your marriage before, during, and after WLS.
As you change, your relationship needs to adapt - the secrets to a strong and loving relationship are talking and listening.
Secrets to Talking:
1. Say what's on your mind.
Express your concerns, worries, and fears. Problems don't get better if we ignore them.
2. Really say what you mean.
Don't hint, just kindly ask for what you want or need.
Hinting statement: "Don't you think it's hot in here?"
Nicely asked statement: "Honey, would you please adjust the AC, I am really hot."
3. Beware of ESP, wishing, and wondering. Don't expect someone to read your mind.
ESP example: "What is he doing over there, doesn't he know I need help!"
Wishing statement: "I sure wish you'd go with me, you know I don't like to go alone."
Wondering statement: "I wonder if you're concerned about the dishes piling up."
4. Say what you want, not what you don't want.
We often spend more time saying what we do not want, which leaves our partner wondering what we do want. Make it easy on them, tell them what you want.
Don't want statement: "I don't want to go to that boring movie."
Do want statement: "I really do want to go see that new Anthony Hopkins thriller."
5. Make requests instead of complaints.
Complaint: "I don't like that outfit you're wearing."
Request: "That outfit is pretty casual for the restaurant we're going to. I'd feel more comfortable if you wore something a little dressier, especially since I am wearing a suit."
6. Use gentle, calming, and emotional words.
Inflammatory statement: "Mark, stop driving like a maniac, you're going to get us killed and when you make those sharp turns, I want to throw up!"
Calming statement: "Mark, I'm feeling a little sick, would you please drive more slowly."
7. Speak about yourself instead of speaking for the other person.
Speaking for someone else: "You make me feel unattractive, you never compliment me."
Speaking about yourself: "I feel unattractive. When you hardly ever compliment me, I think I must not look good to you."
8. Use "I" statements.
You statement: "You never help me around the house!"
I statement: "I am really pretty wiped out, would you please help me with the laundry."
9. The magic expression: "When you _____________, I ____________________ ."
This works wonders with almost any situation. If you use the template above, you can tell your partner what they are doing or saying that is hurting you and then follow it up with a request.
10. Five things to avoid:
Guessing what your partner is feeling, guessing what your partner is thinking, labeling your partner, criticizing your partner, and/or commanding your partner to do/not do something.
Secrets to Listening:
1. Actively listen.
Listen for what is right, what is true, what is useful, and for what makes sense in what your partner says. If you can find some truth in what your partner says and acknowledge that, it will do wonders.
2. Instead of saying "but," say "and"
But statement: "You could go play poker with the guys, but you promised me you'd clean the garage."
And statement: "I think it would be great if this weekend you could play poker with the guys and clean the garage."
3. Pay attention to your body language.
4. Focus on what your partner is saying, you can look for the TV remote in a few minutes.
5. No one expects you to fix everything or know everything, just listen and be sensitive.
6. Avoid listening like a lawyer, judge or a detective.
You're not trying to find fault or start a fight, you're listening to learn.
7. Repeat what you've heard and show that you understand
It's magic to say, "So it sounds like you'd really like me to spend more time helping the kids with their homework and tomorrow night I will check with them before we eat dinner." You can also show you understand by repeating what you heard, nodding your head, asking a question to clarify what you heard, or making a statement that builds on what your partner has said.
8. Express empathy.
Here's a great template: "I can understand that you're _________________, if that happened to me, I'd feel the same way."
My very best tip for stopping an argument: When responding to your partner during a discussion, first respond to their emotion (are they sad? hurt? angry? frustrated?) and then respond to the content.
For example, in response to "When you are not here for dinner, I miss you and I feel like our time together is not important to you. I'd really like it if you could make it a priority to be here by 6pm, or if not, just call me and let me know when to expect you." I might say, "Sweetheart, I am sorry that I hurt you by not being home for dinner. You are a priority to me and I will make sure to be home or let you know."
_______________
-Kathy
_______________
Almost all of your close relationships will change substantially as dramatic weight loss occurs. While your weight loss will affect all relationships, your marriage or partnership is likely to change the most. While it is true that a very high percentage of WLS patients get divorced within the first two years after weight loss surgery, this does not mean it will happen to you. You and your partner can prepare for the change and have an even better relationship as a result!
As for why this happens, there are many answers. Some people become more outgoing and socially extroverted as weight loss progresses. With weight loss, some individuals see themselves as being attractive to new groups of people that they felt were inaccessible before. Some people have underlying psychological reasons for being overweight. Not only do post-ops face the stress of implementing new behavior patterns, they may also mourn the loss of the relationship they had with food. Some people report being addicted to food, and they may be at risk for trading one type of addiction for another. Such substitution behaviors include: (1) starting to drink more alcohol, (2) starting to use drugs, (3) abusing prescription drugs, (4) increasing sexual behavior, (5) shopping excessively, or (5) gambling when the food cravings can't be satisfied.
One thing seems to be true of how most marriages change with WLS: the surgery intensifies the state of the relationship. If your marriage is a strong one, it is likely to stay strong - as long as you prepare, talk openly and honestly about your wants, needs, and expectations of the relationship. If your marriage is not as strong, WLS is likely to stress it even further. If your marriage could use a little help, I strongly recommend working with a marriage counselor before the weight loss surgery. Whether your relationship is great right now or could use some fine tuning, the tips below are designed to enhance your marriage before, during, and after WLS.
As you change, your relationship needs to adapt - the secrets to a strong and loving relationship are talking and listening.
Secrets to Talking:
1. Say what's on your mind.
Express your concerns, worries, and fears. Problems don't get better if we ignore them.
2. Really say what you mean.
Don't hint, just kindly ask for what you want or need.
Hinting statement: "Don't you think it's hot in here?"
Nicely asked statement: "Honey, would you please adjust the AC, I am really hot."
3. Beware of ESP, wishing, and wondering. Don't expect someone to read your mind.
ESP example: "What is he doing over there, doesn't he know I need help!"
Wishing statement: "I sure wish you'd go with me, you know I don't like to go alone."
Wondering statement: "I wonder if you're concerned about the dishes piling up."
4. Say what you want, not what you don't want.
We often spend more time saying what we do not want, which leaves our partner wondering what we do want. Make it easy on them, tell them what you want.
Don't want statement: "I don't want to go to that boring movie."
Do want statement: "I really do want to go see that new Anthony Hopkins thriller."
5. Make requests instead of complaints.
Complaint: "I don't like that outfit you're wearing."
Request: "That outfit is pretty casual for the restaurant we're going to. I'd feel more comfortable if you wore something a little dressier, especially since I am wearing a suit."
6. Use gentle, calming, and emotional words.
Inflammatory statement: "Mark, stop driving like a maniac, you're going to get us killed and when you make those sharp turns, I want to throw up!"
Calming statement: "Mark, I'm feeling a little sick, would you please drive more slowly."
7. Speak about yourself instead of speaking for the other person.
Speaking for someone else: "You make me feel unattractive, you never compliment me."
Speaking about yourself: "I feel unattractive. When you hardly ever compliment me, I think I must not look good to you."
8. Use "I" statements.
You statement: "You never help me around the house!"
I statement: "I am really pretty wiped out, would you please help me with the laundry."
9. The magic expression: "When you _____________, I ____________________ ."
This works wonders with almost any situation. If you use the template above, you can tell your partner what they are doing or saying that is hurting you and then follow it up with a request.
10. Five things to avoid:
Guessing what your partner is feeling, guessing what your partner is thinking, labeling your partner, criticizing your partner, and/or commanding your partner to do/not do something.
Secrets to Listening:
1. Actively listen.
Listen for what is right, what is true, what is useful, and for what makes sense in what your partner says. If you can find some truth in what your partner says and acknowledge that, it will do wonders.
2. Instead of saying "but," say "and"
But statement: "You could go play poker with the guys, but you promised me you'd clean the garage."
And statement: "I think it would be great if this weekend you could play poker with the guys and clean the garage."
3. Pay attention to your body language.
4. Focus on what your partner is saying, you can look for the TV remote in a few minutes.
5. No one expects you to fix everything or know everything, just listen and be sensitive.
6. Avoid listening like a lawyer, judge or a detective.
You're not trying to find fault or start a fight, you're listening to learn.
7. Repeat what you've heard and show that you understand
It's magic to say, "So it sounds like you'd really like me to spend more time helping the kids with their homework and tomorrow night I will check with them before we eat dinner." You can also show you understand by repeating what you heard, nodding your head, asking a question to clarify what you heard, or making a statement that builds on what your partner has said.
8. Express empathy.
Here's a great template: "I can understand that you're _________________, if that happened to me, I'd feel the same way."
My very best tip for stopping an argument: When responding to your partner during a discussion, first respond to their emotion (are they sad? hurt? angry? frustrated?) and then respond to the content.
For example, in response to "When you are not here for dinner, I miss you and I feel like our time together is not important to you. I'd really like it if you could make it a priority to be here by 6pm, or if not, just call me and let me know when to expect you." I might say, "Sweetheart, I am sorry that I hurt you by not being home for dinner. You are a priority to me and I will make sure to be home or let you know."
_______________ Your biggest concern will be a divorce. The health, recovery, etc seems to go "SO WELL" many act like they believe they are suppose to change their spouse because they can do better. I know of 15+ patients that have snuck, lied, cheated, betrayed their spouse & confided in each other on how to leave their spouse and to obtain sympathy.
So if that is not your issue, are 100% sure it won't be, then you are good. the rest is a piece of cake.
Yes, you have a right to be concerned. My husband had wls in March of this year and ask for a divorce in May. He became angry and short tempered and said horribly nasty and hurtful things to me, that he would have never done prior to the surgery. He is not the same man I fell in love with and married. I have tried to be supportive and have changed my lifestyle to adjust to his new eatting patterns, I have lost a lot of weight also. I go to counseling and he has refuse to go. I hope you watch for the signs of emotional changes and abuse and get help as soon as it starts. Best of luck to you. There are people who manage to make this a celebration the way it should be, and things are stronger than ever, that is what I had hoped for. Maybe you will be one of the lucky ones.
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