Need some help with my wife, who I love dearly

My wife had her bypass surgery back in March, and everything seemed to being going great with no complications. Unfortunately, our sex life has greatly diminished, now its once a week if we are lucky. Prior to the surgery, she used to complain to me that I didnt make enough time to get naked with her, and now its the other way around. Even when we to get together, she seems not to enjoy it like she used to. I talked to her about it, and she says that she doesnt seem to have the same drive that she used to, and says she is just as frustrated about that as I am. I cant help but wonder if she is just not attracted to me like she used to be because she is looking better and better every day. I on the other hand could lose a few pounds myself. Thanks to the major changes in our eating habits, I have lost almost 40 lbs since her surgery,but I cant keep up with her weight loss. My question is, is it normal for women to lose some of their drive after bypass surgery, and does it ever come back? Is it something that really doesnt have anything to do with me?

It's most likely the weightloss that has changed her labido. The fat we carry around on our bodies has hormones and when we loose the weight those hormones are released. So, it affects our mood, sex drive, skin, menstural cycle ..well .. everything! Like i tell my DH when he thinks my mood is some how his fault. The world doesn't revolve around you! It's all about me, don't you know that by now? Just my way of letting him know he's not to blame for my current mood. Maybe you guys can visit a gynocologist. Mine is a female and I feel like i can talk about anything with her and she's been through it herself and knows how to help. I'd say if she is frustrated with the low sexual drive too then there is no reason to think its some how due to her not being attracted to you anymore. Very unlikely. I've been up and down with my weight for as long as i can remember and if i'm attracted or in love with someone, my weight and the way i look has NOTHING to do with that. The feelings are always there for that person regardless of my weight or physical appearance.

Hi Ed. What a great post and I am so touched by your writing, especially by the love you communicate for your wife. How lucky you both are. The great news is that I think this is likely a medical situation that will resolve itself. I think the other response you received is really helpful - rapid weight loss can impact hormonal cycle and a decrease in estrogen has been shown to be associated with decreased sex drive. It's not uncommon for women who've had certian surgical procedures to experience a significant decline in their libido - this may be what's happening with your wife. I think it would be very helpful for her to discuss this with her MD and it's also wonderful that the two of you are talking about it. I've posted below a copy of an article I wrote for this month's OH magazine that may give you some more ideas about how to talk with her. My hunch is that as her hormone levels balance out, her sex drive will return, but until then, it's good to talk and share with her how much you love her, how much you miss her, and how much you look forward to reconnecting. There are also a couple of great books on Amazon about sex drive, so here are a couple of recommendations: Sexual Healing: The Complete Guide to Overcoming Common Sexual Problems by Barbara Keesling (Paperback - Feb 3, 2006) Reclaiming Your Sexual Self: How You Can Bring Desire Back Into Your Life by Kathryn, Ph.D. Hall (Paperback - Jul 14, 2004) Reclaiming Desire: 4 Keys to Finding Your Lost Libido by Andrew Goldstein and Marianne Brandon (Hardcover - Jun 28, 2004) ____________________________ Almost all of your close relationships will change substantially as dramatic weight loss occurs. While your weight loss will affect all relationships, your marriage or partnership is likely to change the most. While it is true that a very high percentage of WLS patients get divorced within the first two years after weight loss surgery, this does not mean it will happen to you. You and your partner can prepare for the change and have an even better relationship as a result! As for why this happens, there are many answers. Some people become more outgoing and socially extroverted as weight loss progresses. With weight loss, some individuals see themselves as being attractive to new groups of people that they felt were inaccessible before. Some people have underlying psychological reasons for being overweight. Not only do post-ops face the stress of implementing new behavior patterns, they may also mourn the loss of the relationship they had with food. Some people report being addicted to food, and they may be at risk for trading one type of addiction for another. Such substitution behaviors include: (1) starting to drink more alcohol, (2) starting to use drugs, (3) abusing prescription drugs, (4) increasing sexual behavior, (5) shopping excessively, or (5) gambling when the food cravings can't be satisfied. One thing seems to be true of how most marriages change with WLS: the surgery intensifies the state of the relationship. If your marriage is a strong one, it is likely to stay strong - as long as you prepare, talk openly and honestly about your wants, needs, and expectations of the relationship. If your marriage is not as strong, WLS is likely to stress it even further. If your marriage could use a little help, I strongly recommend working with a marriage counselor before the weight loss surgery. Whether your relationship is great right now or could use some fine tuning, the tips below are designed to enhance your marriage before, during, and after WLS. As you change, your relationship needs to adapt - the secrets to a strong and loving relationship are talking and listening. Secrets to Talking: 1. Say what's on your mind. Express your concerns, worries, and fears. Problems don't get better if we ignore them. 2. Really say what you mean. Don't hint, just kindly ask for what you want or need. Hinting statement: "Don't you think it's hot in here?" Nicely asked statement: "Honey, would you please adjust the AC, I am really hot." 3. Beware of ESP, wishing, and wondering. Don't expect someone to read your mind. ESP example: "What is he doing over there, doesn't he know I need help!" Wishing statement: "I sure wish you'd go with me, you know I don't like to go alone." Wondering statement: "I wonder if you're concerned about the dishes piling up." 4. Say what you want, not what you don't want. We often spend more time saying what we do not want, which leaves our partner wondering what we do want. Make it easy on them, tell them what you want. Don't want statement: "I don't want to go to that boring movie." Do want statement: "I really do want to go see that new Anthony Hopkins thriller." 5. Make requests instead of complaints. Complaint: "I don't like that outfit you're wearing." Request: "That outfit is pretty casual for the restaurant we're going to. I'd feel more comfortable if you wore something a little dressier, especially since I am wearing a suit." 6. Use gentle, calming, and emotional words. Inflammatory statement: "Mark, stop driving like a maniac, you're going to get us killed and when you make those sharp turns, I want to throw up!" Calming statement: "Mark, I'm feeling a little sick, would you please drive more slowly." 7. Speak about yourself instead of speaking for the other person. Speaking for someone else: "You make me feel unattractive, you never compliment me." Speaking about yourself: "I feel unattractive. When you hardly ever compliment me, I think I must not look good to you." 8. Use "I" statements. You statement: "You never help me around the house!" I statement: "I am really pretty wiped out, would you please help me with the laundry." 9. The magic expression: "When you _____________, I ____________________ ." This works wonders with almost any situation. If you use the template above, you can tell your partner what they are doing or saying that is hurting you and then follow it up with a request. 10. Five things to avoid: Guessing what your partner is feeling, guessing what your partner is thinking, labeling your partner, criticizing your partner, and/or commanding your partner to do/not do something. Secrets to Listening: 1. Actively listen. Listen for what is right, what is true, what is useful, and for what makes sense in what your partner says. If you can find some truth in what your partner says and acknowledge that, it will do wonders. 2. Instead of saying "but," say "and" But statement: "You could go play poker with the guys, but you promised me you'd clean the garage." And statement: "I think it would be great if this weekend you could play poker with the guys and clean the garage." 3. Pay attention to your body language. 4. Focus on what your partner is saying, you can look for the TV remote in a few minutes. 5. No one expects you to fix everything or know everything, just listen and be sensitive. 6. Avoid listening like a lawyer, judge or a detective. You're not trying to find fault or start a fight, you're listening to learn. 7. Repeat what you've heard and show that you understand It's magic to say, "So it sounds like you'd really like me to spend more time helping the kids with their homework and tomorrow night I will check with them before we eat dinner." You can also show you understand by repeating what you heard, nodding your head, asking a question to clarify what you heard, or making a statement that builds on what your partner has said. 8. Express empathy. Here's a great template: "I can understand that you're _________________, if that happened to me, I'd feel the same way." My very best tip for stopping an argument: When responding to your partner during a discussion, first respond to their emotion (are they sad? hurt? angry? frustrated?) and then respond to the content. For example, in response to "When you are not here for dinner, I miss you and I feel like our time together is not important to you. I'd really like it if you could make it a priority to be here by 6pm, or if not, just call me and let me know when to expect you." I might say, "Sweetheart, I am sorry that I hurt you by not being home for dinner. You are a priority to me and I will make sure to be home or let you know." ____________________________

Im sorry.. but try not to let your imaginations get the best of you. I had WLS and lost 145 pounds... and I have zero sex drive! Im not sure where it went, but I hope it finds its way home. Trust your instincts and what she says... its probably frustrating for her as well. Hang in there and keep talking.. Linda