Spouses that change

I have been married for 14 years now. My wife has had an eating disorder since she was a child. Of course, the Psychologist she had to see before the surgery did not notice and approved her. In my experience and research I have discovered that it isn't a rocky or bad marriage that will end a relationship after a spouse goes through this, it is what demons they are dealing with before the surgery. Transfer addiction is very common. If your family has the "addiction gene", you are more likely to have it too. Also, if you have had any tramua in your life that has not been properly diagnosed or delt with, you will be far more likely to have issues after having lost weight. There are no proper screenings for this when people go to get the surgery. Most WLS patients easily figure out what can get them knocked off the list for surgery and they "tow the line" to get it. People that are fairly young are also more likely to go through a midlife crisis and want to change everything about their lives, including their job, the route they even take to work, spouses or lovers, what they enjoy doing or not doing. They become a different person and start to question everything about their lives including if they even want to stay married anymore. My wife recently told me that she no longer finds me attractive. This for some one who has been overweight most of her adult life and should know exactly how that feels. WLS patients that have pre-surgery issues such as these, needs to get serious psychological counsuling long before getting the surgery.

Oh hi Chris, I came here to look for support and just happen to see your post on the top of this board so wanted to drop you a line and maybe get some insight from you and others and maybe to help each other out. Well I'm in the same situation... what is that all means when your spouse say that she doesn't find you attractive anymore? After almost seven years of marriage, here we are separating... It is very difficult to understand and to accept when you thought you had a plan for the rest of your life, then all bets are off. *Sigh* I've never been overweight myself but supported my wife through ALL her WLS journey. Now she's shy from her 2-years WLS anniversary and doesn't want to be married anymore. I'm still pretty much in love with my wife. She still loves me very much but not "IN love" with me anymore. Her feelings has changed and to tell you the truth doesn't really know what she wants in life anymore but knows that she doesn't want to be married anymore... As for me not sure what I want now... prob be checking into a psych-ward... LOL! Seriously though, we still want to be a family as a whole and be in each other's lives, and raise the kids together. Just not a married couple anymore. I hope that we can still be the best of friends till the rest of our lives, as we pretty much want that. A strong friendship can always last a lifetime and has no time limit while a married couple can only be defined in the confine of a marriage... this is the only thought that keeps me from a total break-down right now :) Any insights are welcome as support. I need all the support I can get right now so thank you ALL in advance.

B.N. I'm sorry to hear what you are going through...I can relate. The thing I just don't get is that, when your spouse has this surgery and loses weight, they seem to forget what it was like for them trying to lose weight before the surgery. Yo, yo diets, supplements, weight loss programs that all fail. After they lose the weight thru surgery they expect their spouses, who are over weight too, to "get with the program" and lose weight too without having surgery. How can they expect that when they had to have surgery themselves to lose weight? You must be a strong man because most men have a real problem being "friends" with a woman they love very much, especially when she starts dating again. I just feel like the woman I have spent over 14 years with has become superficial and selfish. She just tells me that she can't help how she feels. Well neither can I.

Chris, thank you for your reply. We are in the same boat, although it's sinking fast (or has already sunk)!! LOL Seriously though, even if I'm not overweight, I can understand where you are coming from. I feel for you as well. Maybe I'm the kind of person who thinks that ex-married couples can still stay as good friends but for the sake of the kids and personally as well. The years that we spent together as a married couple has its ups and downs like anyone else but all in all, there are good memories that I will always cherish forever. I know being friends is not the same as being a couple but I just don't want to be completely cut off from her, neither does she. We still care and love (well for her it's not the same love) each other. I know that the dating part will be difficult, but she said that she'll not be jumping in anytime soon as as for me, I don't think I can be linked emotionally to anyone anytime soon, if not ever... will not be looking for sure. I tend to think that as you get older and more mature, you also come to realize that attraction also grows with age. You can't possibly be attracted to the person you married years ago and expect that the same attraction will be as is years later. If not, the majority of marriages are already doomed from the start!! Maybe that's the problem with society nowadays in general. Too much focus on appearances and what is new, cool and trendy... not enough on substance. It is very difficult when you thought you had a plan for the rest of your life, then all bets are off. Life sucks eh? Live and learn I suppose is what they say... Please PINCH me so I can wake up and tell me that all this is just a freaking nightmare!!:(

This is my second marraige. The first time I found out after nine years she had been cheating on me for several years. I thought THAT was a freaking nightmare. I think that women that have emotional or psychological issues, especially from childhood, tend to go over the edge after they lose weight. My wife grew up around physical abuse and always had an eating disorder. I know women tend to crave changes in themselves much more than men do over the years, but after the WLS weight loss, she changed very drastically. She even went so far as to change the route she took to work and wants to quit her job of 15 years. I agree with you, if this marriage ends, I have no desire what so ever to get involed in another relationship. I swear it doesn't pay to be a nice guy. Now I think I know why so many men cheat on their wives. As far as your kids go, no matter how young they are, they always know when their parents are not getting along or headed for divorce. I think it takes alot of willpower for any man to change being a lover to being a friend. Women don't understand that at all. I've reached the conclusion that most women are emotional timebombs just waiting to go off. Somebody pinch us all.

Hi Chris, I agree and feel for you there. No breakup or divorce is easy, whether it's the first, second, ..., it's all the same. Somebody will end up hurting. So how are things with you? How are you you holding up. I just can't believe we're the only ones here having this nightmare. No one to bring us out of this misery. *Sigh*

I read both your posts, and am truly sorry for your situations. I am a woman who had WLS and yes I've changed too. You can not go through all the changes with your body and not change a little inside. Before I felt invisible, no one wanted to make eye contact, say hi, ect. Now I've lost so much weight, I'm treated completely different. men I don't know say hi and smile, open doors, ect. Yes it's a little intoxicating at first! It is however not an excuse or license to cheat on your spouse. I can see how my changing has affected my marriage. Now I am more physically active, I want to get out and be active. My husband is content to sit in front of the TV. My husband no longer seems to be interested in sex, doesn't compliment me ever, and emotionally we've grown apart. Still, I have not cheated. He also needs WLS but refuses to even consider it. He is diabetic, on insulin, has htn, heart disease, and a stent. He is on 8 medications, they cost more and more money too. I am resentful of all the money we spend on all his healthcare issues, when he has an option available. If he'd consider WLS he'd likely get off most of his meds, eliminate much of his ongoing medical issues, probably even be able to function sexually again. I am not the time bomb here gentlemen!! I guess many surgeons do not emphasize the effect this surgey can have on relationships. I have no answers, only some observations from the other side of things. I do not think most people that have WLS set out to improve themselves, so they can trade up on spouses, it does happen sometimes though, unfortunately. If you find any answers to this problem, please share, as there are many people out there like all of us, on both sides of the problem. Good luck, DeeAnn R

I agree on what you said about "many surgeons do not emphasize the effect this surgery can have on relationships." Pre-op and post-op psych consults should be mandatory and rigorously followed by both the patient and loved ones. We were only generalizing here and if we have offended you in any way, please forgive me (re: time bomb). True that WLS have and expected to have an effect on the person at the receiving end but one cannot forget about the other person too. I never had weight problem but supporting my wife through all her weight loss journey and this board, I've learned a lot and understand where everyone is coming from. It's just that when it's affecting you that you come to realize how fragile things are on this earth. People and relationships can come and go but all in all, the only thing on earth that will never die is a memory. And that's is what making any breakup / separation / divorce / funeral difficult and painful. Time will heal yes, but for some it can take years, even sometime longer than the the life-span of the ended relationship, if not ever. Guess there's no magical answer to anything in life. Live and learn I suppose. Just that the 'learn' part only come after a painful process of grievance and acceptance. :sniff:

No offense taken! Again, I really sympathize with you, you're hurting and there's no magical cure, only time. It is part of life, but it hurts none the less. Life is so short, what sad waste so many of us are unhappy. hang in there, and hopefully time will heal....... DeeAnn

I'm doing ok, considering. From what I have read over the past year, it seems that where a person is emotionally will deffinately affect the outcome of WLS surgery and weight loss. The more baggage a person carries, the more problems they will have. I also found that women that have been abused, molested, groped, raped, etc and haven,t delt with the emotional aftermath will go through tough times. I just think the screening process and the support groups need to emphasize these issues a lot more than they do. My wife doesn't want me to have the surgery. The thing that I started noticing was that she started to be more prone to lying to me, acting distant and then close again, being a sex maniac and then cold, then the bombshell...I don't find you attractive anymore. Women change over time, that's just understood. They don't usually change everthing all at once though. My wife says she doesn't feel like she fits in anywhere anymore and I don't know what to do to help her with that.