How Do you Deal with Relationship Issues?!

Hello - I've beenin a relationship with my girlfried for just about 7 months now. Things got off to a rocky start but have been wonderful up until about 6 weeks ago. She is very overweight and has decided to have WLS. I am extremely supportive of her decision and care very much about her happiness. I recently lost 60lbs in the last year through diet and excercise and totally relate to being unhappy because of being over weight. However, she has started pushing me away, become a lot less sexually active and says she can't make our relationship her priority right now. She feels like this is something she needs to do on her own and doesn't want somebody there "supporting" her though she appreciates it. She's afraid of her life changing so much down the road that she might end up hurting me. I told her that I understand that this is a life altering experience and that she's worrying about something that hasn't even happened yet. She's very confused right now and so am I, but neither one of us want to end this relationship. Any advise you can give would be appreciated.

As a WLS patient, I did the same thing to my DH prior to surgery. I will tell you what was going on with me and maybe that will help. As soon as I made the FINAL decision to definitly have the surgery its like I really became aware of how FAT I was and I became really uncomfortable. I have been married for 13 years so it threw my DH for a loop too. I withdrew sexually and mentally. And thank goodness he stuck it out. It gets better. There are so many emotions that go through your mind constantly with this decision its hard for a spouse to deal with. Just try to habg in there!!

have you guys considered couples therapy? i was in therapy at the time my hubby decided to go through with the surgery for things other than our relationship. my hubby is also a social worker so does therapy groups as well. as the saying goes however, you can't treat your own family. so i was in therapy privately. i found that not only did it help our relationship being able to talk to not only my hubby but also my therapist that it helped me as well as him get through all this without the hassles and gliches that I hear so many going through. just a suggestion if you guys are willing to talk to someone. god bless

Hi Kristen. I can imagine what a tough time this must be and I think your reaching out for help is great. This is probably a very scary time for you and for your girlfriend. Somtimes when we're scared, we tend to push other people away - almost like a test. If she's scared that she'll get hurt or that the surgery won't work or that things will be different in the future, she might want to try pushing you away now to see how hard you're willing to fight for the relationship or how dedicated you are. The key is to keep talking and keep telling her how much you love her, that you support her, and that you're not going anywhere. Ultimately, you want to work up to talking about what she's afraid of - my hunch is that somewhere behind what she is telling you there's some fear that you're going to leave her. I hope this helps and I am posting some tips below that I think might help further. Warmly, Kathy ________________ Almost all of your close relationships will change substantially as dramatic weight loss occurs. While your weight loss will affect all relationships, your marriage or partnership is likely to change the most. While it is true that a very high percentage of WLS patients get divorced within the first two years after weight loss surgery, this does not mean it will happen to you. You and your partner can prepare for the change and have an even better relationship as a result! As for why this happens, there are many answers. Some people become more outgoing and socially extroverted as weight loss progresses. With weight loss, some individuals see themselves as being attractive to new groups of people that they felt were inaccessible before. Some people have underlying psychological reasons for being overweight. Not only do post-ops face the stress of implementing new behavior patterns, they may also mourn the loss of the relationship they had with food. Some people report being addicted to food, and they may be at risk for trading one type of addiction for another. Such substitution behaviors include: (1) starting to drink more alcohol, (2) starting to use drugs, (3) abusing prescription drugs, (4) increasing sexual behavior, (5) shopping excessively, or (5) gambling when the food cravings can't be satisfied. One thing seems to be true of how most marriages change with WLS: the surgery intensifies the state of the relationship. If your marriage is a strong one, it is likely to stay strong - as long as you prepare, talk openly and honestly about your wants, needs, and expectations of the relationship. If your marriage is not as strong, WLS is likely to stress it even further. If your marriage could use a little help, I strongly recommend working with a marriage counselor before the weight loss surgery. Whether your relationship is great right now or could use some fine tuning, the tips below are designed to enhance your marriage before, during, and after WLS. As you change, your relationship needs to adapt - the secrets to a strong and loving relationship are talking and listening. Secrets to Talking: 1. Say what's on your mind. Express your concerns, worries, and fears. Problems don't get better if we ignore them. 2. Really say what you mean. Don't hint, just kindly ask for what you want or need. Hinting statement: "Don't you think it's hot in here?" Nicely asked statement: "Honey, would you please adjust the AC, I am really hot." 3. Beware of ESP, wishing, and wondering. Don't expect someone to read your mind. ESP example: "What is he doing over there, doesn't he know I need help!" Wishing statement: "I sure wish you'd go with me, you know I don't like to go alone." Wondering statement: "I wonder if you're concerned about the dishes piling up." 4. Say what you want, not what you don't want. We often spend more time saying what we do not want, which leaves our partner wondering what we do want. Make it easy on them, tell them what you want. Don't want statement: "I don't want to go to that boring movie." Do want statement: "I really do want to go see that new Anthony Hopkins thriller." 5. Make requests instead of complaints. Complaint: "I don't like that outfit you're wearing." Request: "That outfit is pretty casual for the restaurant we're going to. I'd feel more comfortable if you wore something a little dressier, especially since I am wearing a suit." 6. Use gentle, calming, and emotional words. Inflammatory statement: "Mark, stop driving like a maniac, you're going to get us killed and when you make those sharp turns, I want to throw up!" Calming statement: "Mark, I'm feeling a little sick, would you please drive more slowly." 7. Speak about yourself instead of speaking for the other person. Speaking for someone else: "You make me feel unattractive, you never compliment me." Speaking about yourself: "I feel unattractive. When you hardly ever compliment me, I think I must not look good to you." 8. Use "I" statements. You statement: "You never help me around the house!" I statement: "I am really pretty wiped out, would you please help me with the laundry." 9. The magic expression: "When you _____________, I ____________________ ." This works wonders with almost any situation. If you use the template above, you can tell your partner what they are doing or saying that is hurting you and then follow it up with a request. 10. Five things to avoid: Guessing what your partner is feeling, guessing what your partner is thinking, labeling your partner, criticizing your partner, and/or commanding your partner to do/not do something. Secrets to Listening: 1. Actively listen. Listen for what is right, what is true, what is useful, and for what makes sense in what your partner says. If you can find some truth in what your partner says and acknowledge that, it will do wonders. 2. Instead of saying "but," say "and" But statement: "You could go play poker with the guys, but you promised me you'd clean the garage." And statement: "I think it would be great if this weekend you could play poker with the guys and clean the garage." 3. Pay attention to your body language. 4. Focus on what your partner is saying, you can look for the TV remote in a few minutes. 5. No one expects you to fix everything or know everything, just listen and be sensitive. 6. Avoid listening like a lawyer, judge or a detective. You're not trying to find fault or start a fight, you're listening to learn. 7. Repeat what you've heard and show that you understand It's magic to say, "So it sounds like you'd really like me to spend more time helping the kids with their homework and tomorrow night I will check with them before we eat dinner." You can also show you understand by repeating what you heard, nodding your head, asking a question to clarify what you heard, or making a statement that builds on what your partner has said. 8. Express empathy. Here's a great template: "I can understand that you're _________________, if that happened to me, I'd feel the same way." My very best tip for stopping an argument: When responding to your partner during a discussion, first respond to their emotion (are they sad? hurt? angry? frustrated?) and then respond to the content. For example, in response to "When you are not here for dinner, I miss you and I feel like our time together is not important to you. I'd really like it if you could make it a priority to be here by 6pm, or if not, just call me and let me know when to expect you." I might say, "Sweetheart, I am sorry that I hurt you by not being home for dinner. You are a priority to me and I will make sure to be home or let you know." _________________

I know you are getting a lot of "atta boy" pretty inspirational advice. I am not trying to be gloom & doom, just realistic and be aware of the real issue because alot of them are only interested in partying. There is not much about the issues of eating & when, etc., but more "it's drinking time" it's partying time. It seems to be a waste for such a severe life altering change, and they try to get "healthier" but all the group shots at parties show ****tails, big plates of food, etc. My expereience was that the group did not suppport me. They supported my husband who was making his rounds with the patients. The ratio is 98-1 (female male). Pretty soon they believe they are in demand. It is not just men here. Women don't seem to care that they are married. Or should I say the 36 women in this group that intimately supported my spouse didn't care. The director of our group who is dr. psychologist was one of the first one's to persue or be persued. Statistics for divorce for those involved in this surgery is higher than doctor, police, divorce stats. Good luck