What do I do?

ok, i'm just gonna cut to the chase here..... I was 17 when I met my husband. Married when I was 18. Son when I was 20 and this is all pre-op in the 300-400 pound area. Got up to 432 pounds. Had surgery when son was 2. Got pregnant at 8 months post-op with daughter. Now have lost a total of 213 pounds. I still have 49 pounds to go, but here's where I'm freakin' out..... I met my husband when I was 17 and hadn't had any previous relationships. Now I want to have those relationships that I "never got to have." I don't know if I want a divorce or just to separate for a little while.... What about the kids? My husband is the financial supporter.... I've never gone to college..... How does that work? I love my husband, but he's all I've known and now that I have the confidence and the curiosity, I want to go out and see if I've "missed" anything. Here's what also makes this hard. My husband is my number one fan and has been there 100% the entire way and still is. I can't hurt him, but I can't deny myself at the same time...... Help..... Lorraine

You need to decide if you want to risk permanent damage to your #1 fan and 100% supporter, destroying your family, hurting your children, etc. just because you THINK you missed out on something. What do you really want? Do you want to date someone else? Do you want to f*ck someone else? Do you want a relationship with someone else? Are you really willing to throw ALL OF what you have now away? Sorry if this comes across as a little harsh - but as the spouse of a WLS patient, it seems incredibly cruel, and maybe it's the type of talk you need to hear. Let's turn this around -- How would you feel if you had never had WLS, were still around 400 pounds, and your husband wanted to go out and find out what he missed with some nubile 23 year old co-ed?

I understand that you can't put yourself in my shoes and see where I'm coming from. How could you ever know how it feels? But to answer your questions: I really don't know what I want. I'm still so scared about everything that I'm feeling. I do want to date someone else. How would I know what's out there if I've NEVER before dated anyone except my husband? F*ck someone else? Why does everyone I've confided in think this is all about sex? I am a person with needs, yes, but my life isn't ruled by sex. I do have other needs. More pressing needs. Do I want a relationship with someone else? I don't know. I've never had one with anyone else..... Do I? I understand where you are coming from as a spouse. I really do. This is why this is tearing me apart. Because I do still love my husband and do and always will appreciate what he's done, who's he's been and everything in between. But with him being the only relationship that I have EVER had, then how can I possibly know if he's the person for me? He's a great husband and father. I won't deny that. But if I really look at it, there are many things that he doesn't give me, that I want in my life, from my partner. Do I settle for what I've got or see if there's someone out there that can give me everything that I want? I'm a firm believer that a person can fall out of love with someone just as easily as they can fall in love with them. As for the children..... is it not as harmful for a person to stay in a relationship that doesn't make them completely happy as it is to put them through the trials of seperation and/or divorce? Isn't it a parent's goal in life to teach their children not to settle for less? Shouldn't I set an example? Thanks for your thoughts. Cheers, Lorraine

I suggest you talk to your husband and get into couples counseling. I think you need to seriously evaluate what you want out of life and your marriage. There's things that you say are lacking from your relationship. Have you discussed this with him? Does he know? Has he ANY CLUE that you're where you are right now? Does he know you want to leave? Couples counseling has helped incredibly in my marriage. If you want to be with someone else, then don't beat around the bush, don't string him along - be responsible - just get divorced. Check with a lawyer on the laws for your state on alimony and child support. Hope you're not in Texas, there's no such thing as alimony here. You're right about falling out of love, but you said you love your husband. Since you mentioned it, think about the example you're setting. Things aren't 100% or you have an itch, so what do you do? Do you honor your commitments to your husband and family? or do you cut and run, hoping there's something better out there? I'm sorry, unless the kids are 15 or so, all they know is mom and dad aren't together anymore, and a majority of the time, they feel like they caused it. I hope you figure it out for yourself.

Lorraine... such a hard issue... I have no words of wisdom for you, only you can know what your needs are and how to live your life. My husband and I seperated over 4 years ago, the breakup was messy and really should not have happened the way it did, but in the end when we are now able to discuss things as mature adults he tells me part of it was that I was his first serious love and that over the years he wondered "what if"... I can live with this - I had a life before him, he did not... we were married nearly 14 years, two wonderful kids - who DO tell me that I am a "nicer mommy" now (after the seperation). At age 40, I am happy with where my life has taken me over the years, and where my choices have brought me to -- both the good and the bad. I think "settling" is not a good thing - but I do agree you need to search your heart and head to see if you truly do want to proceed with what you are thinking of. Only you can decide this. For what it is worth, most kids are VERY resilient and if we as adults give them honesty and the time they need to question and talk about their feelings they will deal with things well. ___________________________________________ Reba McEntire lyrics - Is There Life Out There She married when she was twenty She thought she was ready Now she's not so sure She thought she'd done some living But now she's just wonderin' What shes living for Now shes feeling that there's something more Chorus: Is there life out there So much she hasn't done Is there life beyond Her family and her home She's done what she should Should she do what she dares She doesn't want to leave Shes just wonderin' Is there life out there Shes always lived for tomorrow Shes never learned how To live for today She's dyin' to try something foolish Do something crazy Or just get away Something for herself for a change Repeat chorus There's a place in the sun that she's never been Where life is fair and time is a friend Would she do it the same as she did back then She looks out the window and wonders again Repeat chorus twice

You will NOT find this out there. You are looking for something you already have. I almost did what you are thinking of doing about 9 or 10 years ago. (Had nothing to do with WLS.) Was willing to leave the kiddos and everything. Thank Jesus I didn't. What a selfish shallow *****y thing I was considering. I was 17 when I met hubby and 19 when we married & had baby #1. If I had done that today I would be alone and in debt. Denying yourself is maturity. Why can't you deny yourself? Are you and your 'desires' more important than your children? Allowing yourself to explore something that may 'feel good' for a moment with no consideration for anyone else on the planet is what a toddler does. I can guarantee you that you didn't "miss" anything but a bunch of gross horny guys who would just love to get you in the sack and give you herpes and genital warts or at the least just destroy your family and leave you alone and broke. I truly wish you the best. You and your hubby need to get into marital counseling YESTERDAY before you mess this up. Love, Melanie g.

I disagree that you can fall out of love just as easily as you fall in love. Love is a choice. I agree with the other posters, you should seriously consider couples counseling before you head down this path. Or maybe individual counseling with a professional who is familar with what you are going through as a WLS patient. I seriously doubt what you're feeling is unique among anyone who has been married for any length of time. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, grow up and deal with it. Perhaps your husband had those same thoughts while you were not at your best physically but apparently didn't act on them - kudos to him. Also you're statement to a spouse of a WLS patient that you know what he feels is silly - how could you know? YOU have been the patient, not married to one and all that entails - which, let me tell you is no picnic. My husband had the surgery a couple of months ago and I have fully considered that he may someday go down the path you appear to be headed. Before he gained the weight (before we met) he was very fit, good-looking, promiscuous and yes, quite shallow by his own admission. If he decides to "fly the coop" and find someone more enticing than me, who has spent 10 years with him as he ballooned up past 400 pounds and his health went to pot, I intend to forcefully kick his shrinking behind to the curb and let him go, with his pickup and not much else to show for this relationship, including our son. Good luck to you. -Cyndie

Lorraine, you've made huge changes in your life - you've transformed yourself from the formerly fat person you were to the new, slim "you". It's normal to have "what-if" fantasies about how things might have been different if you hadn't married your husband, if you were with someone else, etc. The thing is, that's just what they are - FANTASIES! You're daydreaming about some of the ways your life could be different. In your response to another post, you got upset because the writer implied that what you were after was primarily sex. That makes me wonder about some things. For example, do you and your husband have the kind of relationship where it's ok for you to go out places - even restaurants and movies and such - with other friends or alone? Or do you rarely ever go out without one another? Do you have any hobbies that give you contact with other adults on your own, without him? What do you do for fun that's separate from your "couple time"? The reason I'm asking all this is because I'm wondering if some of your feelings of missing out on something and wanting the "never got to have" relationships might really be something you can fulfill without leaving your husband. Lots of people, but women in particular, tend to look to their spouses as "one-stop shopping" for emotional support and friendship. A lot of us think it's somehow "wrong" to go out to a movie with someone else - or meet a friend for coffee (esp. a guy) - or have a hobby we share with a friend, not a husband. But you're a separate person from your husband. You've changed tremendously; you can do a huge amount more now than you used to be able to. It would be amazing if you DIDN'T want to go out and experience new things. That doesn't necessarily mean that you have to leave your husband, and it doesn't mean you have to "cheat" on him either. Think about it, and if what I'm saying rings kind of true for you, talk about it with him and tell him some of what's going on in your head. Let him know that you want to experience new things, and make new friends. Try it for a while and see if that helps calm down the "what ifs" you're experiencing. And if you still find that you're craving someone else, well, then you'll have to deal with that when it happens. But you may find that simply developing new friends and activities satisfies the itch you're dealing with now.

Lorraine, I strongly urge you to find other avenues for the "new you". You love your husband, and your family. I have a hard time truly believing that you would be happy if you sacrificed them. That IS what you will be doing. Don't sacrifice the man that stuck with you through thick and now thin. He sees you for who you are and loves you just the same. I too met my husband at a young age. I was 19 and he was my first love. I have thought before, what if I had dated more and what would my life be like now. There are times where I have gone on faith that God has put the two of us together for a reason and I have trusted Him. We have been married now for 11 1/2 years. They have not been a bed of roses, no marriage has. We have battled many things but we made it though together and we are a stronger couple, a stronger family, as a result. You need to work through this TOGETHER. Your husband may not fill 100% of all your needs, but no one person will. You don't fill 100% of all his needs, nor will you ever. Find yourself a supportive group of friends. Also, don't kid yourself in thinking that the kids will be better off if you are in, what you assume would be, a better relationship. There was a study conducted with adults who grew up in divorced homes. A majority of the adults, who now have families of their own, say that they would stay in a marriage even if they were not happy for the sake of the kids. Many of them said that their life was better when their parents were together. Here are some statistics for you - 41% of all first marriages end in divorce, 60% of all second marriages end in divorce and 74% of all third marriages end in divorce. Your most successful chance is in the relationship your in right now. Have faith that where you are is where you need to be. Good luck, I'll be praying for you and your family.

Lorraine, I came to this forum out of curiousity. I just had WLS 5 1/2 months ago. I am 46 (turn 47 in June) and have NEVER been married. I cannot begin to tell you how you are NOT missing out on anything!! You are SO blessed and you don't even realize it. I went through life resisting not "settling" on the "better than nothing" relationship and now, that is EXACTLY what I have....NOTHING!! No husband, no children, no memories, no bonding, no attachments. I cannot begin to tell you what a lonely life it has been. Wrap yourself around this "life" you have chosen for yourself at such a young age. You have more than you realize in a husband that you by your own admission agree YOU LOVE!! I am also a product of a divorced home (60's era) and I can tell you that my life has suffered tremendously by the decisions my parents made over 40 years ago. I'm so afraid of making a mistake and ending up like them (divorced) that I made no decisions at all (safe) and now have NOTHING. Please, please please follow the advice the others are giving you here about counseling. I assure you, its a passing phase. Maybe you need to start "dating" your husband again to bring some of the spark back into your relationship. It can't hurt? Like a band once sung...."Love is the answer" and you HAVE it!! Good luck. Trish xo