Need some advice...kind of long

Hello, First off, I hope this finds all *****ad it doing well. Anyway, I hope you folks can help me with some advice...my wife of almost 15 years had vertical gastrectomy on Monday. I admit, I did my utmost best to talk her out of it...but to no avail. I am not a large guy myself, 5'8", 160 lbs and 36 yrs old. Her weight was about 250, she's 5'5" and 34 years old. You can work out the BMI. And, she had no real "comorbidities" at this point. I fully understand that some could have developed down the road. She says the sole reason she did it was to improve her health. My wife and I have had our normal ups and downs over the years, we've always worked through them, and I have to say that I think we've had a great marriage. I do love my wife and I know she loves me. I have always told her she's beautiful and never said negative things about her weight. And as I've gotten older, I've come to see that bigger women can be just as attractive as thinner women. Basically, if I had wanted a Barbie-doll wife, I would have pursued thinner women. All this is so you can see where I'm coming from. Now, on to the need for advice. I have a lot of anger toward the surgeon at this point. I feel she has done this through a motivation of greed or self-importance, a "look at what I can do" attitude, a bit of a Dr. Frankenstein. I know my wife is a smart person, and capable of making her own decisions...I am just worried that the desire to lose weight was so strong that it obscured all the negatives. For example, I always took my wife out to eat and I feel that has been taken away from us. Now, you can say, "Well, you just have to find different activities together". Many things are more easily said than done. Also, I do fear the attention that my wife may receive from other men after the weight really starts to come off. I don't feel like an overly jealous type, I don't sift through emails and have her tailed by a PI or anything crazy like that. But, I wouldn't feel like to much of a man if I didn't care about other men making advances to my wife. I think my wife is attractive, like I have said, but I know a lot of men will make passes at any nice looking, reasonably thin woman. My wife did lose some weight through exercise, but it was slow and gradual and she could adjust to herself being a little thinner over time, and not suddenly thin and being hit on. And finally, I worry about the physical consequences of this surgery. Does anyone know what really happens in the long-term? I understand that VG has less side effects than other WLS methods, but the human body is designed to work a certain way, and when you mess with that, who knows the outcome? What kind of mental or emotional changes can I expect from my wife? I want to be able to work through all this and keep our relationship strong. So, any constructive advice you folks can offer would be most appreciated. Thanks in advance. Kirk M.

Hi Kirk, I seen no one has responded to your post so I'll give it a try.. I am a newbie here, getting my surgery in a month so I am not qualified to answer on the long term effects of the surgery. What I sugguest is that you ask the surgeon that questions and maybe do a little more research on your own. Don't let the surgeons attitude bother you. What is her complication rates? Your wife is in the hands of an expert. Don't let the surgeon intimidate you. Ask questions...WLS has been around a while now and the complcations overall are very low but there is always risk as you know. I understand your concern and I think it is awesome that you even posted for some advise. You have been married for15 yrs, me to. My husband is also a light weigh and I also am 250 at 5'5...I think you should expect some emotional changes in your wife due to hormones during the weight loss from what I have found in my research. Mentally, your wife will most likely gain confidence as she loses weight and have more energy. She will be able to do a lot more activities with you and be able to keep up. My advise is for you to go on this journey with her, walk with her, exercise, learn new ways of cooking, draw close.. Don't let you mind play tricks on you with the thoughts of other guys. SHe has been with you for how long??? Trust that she knows how to handle herself. I bet if a guy did try something she'd put him in place real fast and tell him to get lost. I know I would becuase I hate guys that look at me with lust and not true love. I am committed to one man, the one I married and when I am thin, his head is the only one I care that turns. I bet your wife feels the same way. So be encouraged and enjoy each other, treat her the way you want to be treated and she will honor and respect your love. Blessings Tammy

Hi Kirk! Ok, so I read through your post and found myself FULL OF WISDOM! Well, wise or not, I have a lot to say.... For starters, I had WLS very young and really for the wrong reasons... I was 21 and really not Morbidly Obese. I had it in 2001... I was I guess, a "light weight". .. I was 5'9 at 230ish pounds. I now weigh about 185 and learned through this whole process that I really was pretty damn happy with myself then and now. So, I can't really relate to your wife, BUT I am a woman and have a pretty good idea how you're feeling.... Alright, with that being said, I think the way you are feeling is normal in one way and selfish/insecure in another. First, did you feel safe when no one picked up on your wife? Like she was stuck with you? Do you think perhaps she has settled with you all these years because of her own insecurities with her weight? Lots and lots of women are picked up over and over every day. At work, I am one female of like 100 men... litterally. (law enforcement) At work, men throw their comments at me all day. Not just employees, but public too. It sorta comes with being a woman sometimes. BUT none of that makes me feel any less desire for my amazing hubby. I've been with him since 1994 so you can see he's no new squeeze for me ... Now, at the same time however, I've seen MANY MANY women build up their egos and take off on their husbands and families because they lost the weight. I don't know that theres anything you can do to prevent that really. That truely has nothing to do with you. BUT, would you really want to be in a relationship with someone that is with you because she felt she couldn't get anything better? Yuck! You need to use this period of her loosing weight to work on your own issues. Grow with her. Be happy that guys find your wife attractive! What a catch you've got! If you can grow with her than you will probably have a lot of fun together. She's going to become more open to new experiences and ideas and you should be there to try out all those new things. If you don't turn this into a positive journey for both of you, then you are gonna be miserable. Is there anything that you could improve about yourself? Why not fix yourself up a bit with her! Then, she'll be googling over you as you'll be her! Don't just sit back and watch her transform because you may not be there in the end... too many woman leave their man in the dust because they changed to a better person but that significant other sat back and watched. Well, I've babbled ALOT and probably didn't make too much since but I have no problem discussing this further if you're interested.. otherwise, good luck! and God Bless! Shannon

Kirk, I, like your wife, have a supportive, loving husband who loves me regardless of size. What was so amazing about him, is that loving me the way he does, he realized how unhappy I was with myself - and how the weight was starting to affect my health. I wasn't able to go on long walks with him, play with the grandchildren, or even go on carnival rides - and I am only in my mid 40's. He has supported me through my weight loss - 90 lbs in 5.5 months and all of my ups and downs ( and yes there are lots of ups and downs). In addition, he knows that I love him, skinny or fat, I am the same person. Is it nice to get male attention - yeah. Do I flirt on the site - yeah. Am I going to leave my hubby - never. We have been together 25 years, and I love him dearly. I hope that with this surgery, I will be around another 25 and that I will be able to run, play, and make fantastic love to my man, rather than just surviving with him. Embrace your wives decision, go to support groups with her, learn with her (this is new to her too), take her shopping and experience the new woman she is becoming. Let go of your anger - if your wife didn't want to do this, she would not have. She went looking for the surgeon, I'm sure. Have fun and enjoy your new lives together. I should let Norb, my hubby, visit with you. If you'd like him to - reply and I will get him on for you. We could even arrange a chat. LOL

Kirk, I have been married for nearly 17 years; I am almost 2 years post-op... My husband has always been a very jealous person, but it has actually gotten worse since I have lost weight. My husband never had a problem with my weight; I was 330, 5'7". I know that I have changed, because I have always Tolerated his jealousy and now... I can't (or maybe a better word is WON'T) I'm sure that I really didn't answer your question, but I really agree with the lady that posted about doing things with your wife... Make this a journey that you are both experiencing together, instead of her experiencing it and you watching... At my house, unfortunately He's watching... from afar. Cindy, Tampa

Hi Kirk, I know I'm late but I felt the need to add my 2 cents. I think that you should brace yourself. The changes that come with drastic and rapid weight loss are many. The first thing I think you need to ask yourself is do you really love your wife and does she really love you. If the answer is yes then you've got a head start. Another question you might want to ask Is why she loves you and why you love her. You would be surprised how many cannot answer this. Personally, I married the wrong man for the wrong reasons. Being lonely and thinking I needed him, I went down the aisle. I never really was in love with him, nothing can survive that. He was a good man and when I left him he didn't know what hit him. I actually had the surgery a few years later but my point is, if it ain't good going in it won't be good going out. The final thing both you and you're wife should think about is why she is overweight in the first place. This is a big one. Once all the weight is gone and the issues are still there and you can't bury yourself in a piece of cake, all hell breaks loose. You can no longer eat and runaway, so you must find an outlet for your (usually emotional) issue . This is where things can get little crazy. You obviously care about your marriage or you would not have posted. Keep an open mind and help her out with whatever she may be going through. Communication is key. Many people think they have not changed after surgery, but in my opinion there is no way you can't change. Your self-esteem improves, so does your health and you look better. With this comes the attention of the opposite sex. It actually took me a while to realize that men were eyeballing and flirting with me. I'm single, and it still makes me uncomfortable. So just make sure your the one dishing out the best compliments of all. You wife should also try to extend herself to make sure that some things will stay the same for you too. If you can both come together and be HONEST with yourselves and each other, I think you'll be alright. Good luck.

Hi Kirk, I've never been married and well, now I will never know if a man could have loved me as a FAT person. I had my surgery 5 1/2 months ago, down about 80lbs now and still losing. Since I wanted to keep the surgery "a secret" and a "private" matter, most people just think I've been on a diet. I'm ready to date, although uncomfortable with male attention at this point. There really hasn't been very much, I lived an isolated lifestyle in the last few years. I ditched every male relationship as them trying to "use" me as "the other"woman in their lives. I want someone who can put me front and center. So, here you have it, perspective from the single side of life. I don't know who I will become but I hope it will be the me I've always been on the inside but had been stuffing all these years with food. Remember this: It's not about the food and not about the fat, these are only symptoms and coping mechanisms to other underlying issues that have been there all along. THOSE are the issues that need to be addressed in ANY relationship, fat vs. thin, it doesn't really matter. What if the "weight" was never an issue, what then? Think about that. I do think couples counselling is your best bet right now. Dr. Phil is only a phone call away. I wish you all the best. Trish