Still Sick n Sufferin on Thursday

Cold,Covid or Summer Flu still can?t seem to shake it ?. OR ( and this is a big OR ) it?s some kind of depression based on fear and trauma.

I do have a lifetime history of not asking for things I deserve ( like scholarships or insurance policy payouts) because as a kid ( and even recently now ) my Dad made sure I NEVER received anything I asked for particularly when I really needed it and richly deserved it for my many many hours of contribution.

He ENJOYS kicking me in the teeth emotionally- the latest is I asked him to lend me $15,000.00 for a DAY to prove I have matching funds for these grants - he declined because without this I?ll lose my home.

The ONLY reason I need this money is because he ( with his 91 year old multi- millionaire self STOLE $ $20,000.00 out of MY bank account last month to prevent me buying a Tesla.

Yep I did set myself up for that one by trusting him ? but in all fairness what insane person steals from their own kid when they absolutely don?t need it ?

Every time I walk in Riverside Park I look at the rent stabilized terraced apartments with magnificent panoramic river views he denied me many years ago after another 6 month search - I was young and the landlord ( the rent was $1700.00 ! And would have hardly increased for the rest of my life ) requested a reference- I gave him my Dad?s number and he told him I couldn?t pay the rent and not to rent to me ( he didn?t) .

Remembering these actions still hurts after all these years ?. ( there are many - always exquisitely crucial and senselessly cruel unless you understand he takes almost a *****graphic sick PLEASURE in hurting me)

In any case this history makes it VERY hard to ever ask for ANYTHING no matter how well deserved

Feeling frustrated with myself also makes me want to overeat when I?m not at all hungry. I?m Hangry lol!

Long Island Podiatrist appointment at 8:30 ( have to get going in a few hours - can?t sleep unfortunately ) and chiropractic adjustment in the City late afternoon.

No exercise yesterday except gardening-

D - leftover mango crunch salad w miso dressing , mushroom soup

midnite snack cookies n tea.

B - spanakopita maybe scrambled egg whites ff cheese ff half and half and your favorite, butter buds ( popcorn seasoning now same thing just saltier)

L - Long Island means LOBSTER ROLL ! The stoopid ( and food related things that give an overeater joy !)

D- tbd hopefully something healthy , maybe a walk home .