Male and female friendships

Hi WLS friends,

This is sort of a weird topic, but it's come to the forefront after last night's Oscar duet between Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper. Literally, every single news outlet today made it seem like they must be MADLY in love because they sang a lovely song together. I saw the outtake and yeah, it looks like they have a wonderful connection. Both have expressed that the other person is a great friend, a great supporter, and a great person. But for some reason, the media wants to act like it's "hashtag awkward" that they are each dating/engaged to other people, and they are making it seem like an affair MUST be on the horizon.

Which led me to think about male and female friendships. I have always had very close male friends, BUT I realize I had MORE male friends when I was obese. Maybe their girlfriends and wives didn't see me as a threat? Maybe it was like "Oh she's fun and funny, but obviously we're not going to sleep together, she's fat"? Because now that I am quote/unquote normal sized, I feel like male/female friendships are a little different. Maybe someone's significant other could imagine their man being attracted to me? Has anyone else experienced this shift?

I dunno, it came to mind seeing all the pundits acting like the way Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga looked at each other is "relationship goals". Am I the only person that believes they aren't sleeping together and might just enjoy each other's company and really like and respect the other person??? Or is that my inner fat girl (ie naive person) thinking out loud?

I've always wondered the same thing--I have a majority of male friends over female and I treasure those close, platonic relationships. But I've always wondered if they developed because I wasn't "a hot chick" and they weren't "intimidated" and I was funny and "one of the guys." Or whatever.

I started a new job recently and immediately fell in love with some of my male coworkers. They're funny, sweet, and we text each other at night (just funny pictures and such). Most of them are happily married, they know I am also happily married as well, and most of them my husband knows and likes also.

I get very annoyed with people who think men and women can't be intimate, yet completely platonic.

For me it's a total case by case and vibe!

I can never feel the vibe through the tv screen but in person I always know which guy can be my friend and which guy might take things to the next level if I allowed it. So I stay away. I'm also good at feeling the vibe with women around my DH. Some I have no problem DH hanging with them (and it has nothing to do with their size) and some I wouldn't let them alone with him for a second. Again, it's a vibe thing...I might be wrong but I trust my instincts.

In short, yes male/female friendship can happen but it depends on the two people.

Having said that you need a certain personality to be an actor or singer. They are passionate people and feel things at a deeper level. I'm leaning towards them having feelings for each other. It reminds me of Brad/Angelina during Mr & Mrs Smith movie.

Oh this is a good questions!

Gaga and Bradley - I think they are platonic. They have a connection, absolutely, but they are also performers and they were performing last night.

"Normal" people - I very much think you can have platonic relationships across sexes. I haven't noticed any change (yet) because of size but I think it's personality based -- I have lots of male friends (married and single) and I'm the friend that gets the "can X go with you to comic con because I'm not going" or "I think A team looks dumb, please take Y". On the other hand, there are people that I wouldn't want to leave alone with my friend's husbands/wives, lol!

They were acting. Very difficult to just stand up from the audience and do this. I think they were showing that they were worthy contenders for Best Actor.

I have friends of all genders. I'm an old married lady. Lucky that way.

Age difference too..now that I am nearly 70 I find younger cute/married/most guys will talk a lot with no awkward 'mixed messages' going on. At the gym pool I must have had 6 different guys all happy to talk, and seriously, over many areas of interest, because I am obviously not going to come on to them. I am there in my loose fitted swim top and capri length bike shorts, and overweight. Now, part of it is how I act..being a researcher, writer I am used to drawing people out for their story or experience, so my 'comfort' level of approaching them, and not going off signals is a big part of it.

The second is men are terrified now of being accused of sexual aggression, so they are totally freaked and often not speaking first, even if they want to, so women must show some interest if they want to talk. This is so sad, I am glad I had a different generational experience than today's climate.

When I was safely married I was also more comfortable approaching or chatting with anyone who wanted to talk to me. again, I was not putting out vibes. and had a ring on.

last I had a friend who was an opposite personality to me, she also had recovered from alcohol abuse/some drug abuse, and was more 'fragile' anyone could see it in posture and facial expression, hesitancy...she said on the days she felt MOST vulnerable and weak the "wolves' would follow her down the street as if they could smell this weakness..and pheromones are real, so she was right. It is hardwired into us for survival, 'male as protector of woman with baby' but with modern society and women independent signals are out of whack, so I believe this innate behavior is reduced to 'hunting prey' for many men. She said men up to no good just latched on to her instantly, but she said when she was confident they left her alone. I know she is right because I put no come hither vibes at all..in fact men who want traditional females run the other way, so in that aspect they save me time and 'self select OUT' from consideration. (I am dead serious on this, i know exactly the guys not interested in my 'type'.) But the ones who like 'feisty' and like the game of verbal repartee' will chase... so it works out.

Good luck to all with new found sexual and social adventures.

I always had tons of male friends while growing up. Although I was picked on for being overweight my BMI as a teen was probably only about 26-27 (I wish I would have acknowledged I was fine! Maybe I wouldn't have dieted myself into a yo-yo that got me to 300lbs). I also always had plenty of dating options as well.

My male friendships changed when I started dating Jon seriously. It no longer felt as innocuous to spend dedicated time alone with men. Jon and I started out as platonic friends and we spent many an hour in his parent's basement drinking beer and playing video games. Often I would sleep in his bed and he'd sleep on the other side on top of the covers. We both were dating other people at the time and I'm not kidding when I say I never saw a problem with it and we never crossed any boundaries. However, I think when you're in a "real" relationship it quickly becomes apparent what is okay and what's not.

Now, my male friendships are mostly related to work. I still click better and easier with men and I male co-workers from my previous job in NY that I text with daily and they've been down to see us here in NC. I also have male friends in my current job, and occasionally grab lunch during the work day or we'll go out as a group to have a drink after work, but I don't see them socially otherwise.

So no, my WL did not change my male friendships. I will also note that I don't feel like I garner any more male attention now. My husband tells me that's because I'm completely oblivious and also because I give off a "don't **** with me" vibe. But, I don't wear a wedding ring and I've had zero people approach me, even at bars.

This actually just came up in a conversation with my best friend (who happens to be male) and my DH...my best friend lives about 600 miles away and I don't get to see him more than 1-2 times a year maybe...we talk on the phone and text and instant message and email all the time...we have made trips to visit each other and go on vacations together throughout the years...he even officiated my wedding and I officiated his wedding also. (so yes, we are both married).

Whenever we were both single, we would stay at each other's houses, sleep in each other's beds, hang out together with just the 2 of us and nothing sexual happened...intimate, sure---but not physically, all intellectually and spiritually. I consider him my twin soul (not to be confused with soulmate) and we share/have shared so many synchronistic experiences. it's seriously eerie. We even got matching tattoo's together - a symbol of "twin souls" about 13 years ago.

We both like each other's spouses but I really miss the alone time we used to have...He is having a really hard time with his step kids and needs to get away from his life for a few days and I wanted to just say "lets get out of here and meet up somewhere!" but it's not that simple now. I know my DH feels much more threatened by other men he never felt threatened by before and that is because I am now more attractive to other men.
He was always attracted to me and always told me I was beautiful even at my heaviest, but now I am more traditionally attractive and it causes jealousy.

long story short, we kind of agreed that even though we both know nothing would ever happen, at this point it's just a respect thing. We wouldn't plan a trip alone together now that we are both married. It kinda sucks and I wi**** could be different but honestly to appease our spouses, and to make sure we are not planting unnecessary seeds of doubt in their minds, we will never be able to plan a one on one vacation together again.
My DH told me that he would be okay with it, but I don't think he really would...I think my friend's wife was a lot more OK with our friendship when I was SMO because she didn't feel like I was a threat to her, but now that I've lost the weight, she is intimidated by our close friendship and has made it relatively clear that it is absolutely out of the question. I completely understand this.

I absolutely think that a man and woman can be platonic friends with a deep connection and mutual respect/love that has nothing to do with sex, physical intimacy or anything inappropriate, but with that said, it is also a matter of respecting the feelings and insecurities/fears of your significant other. Even if they are unwarranted, they should be respected...Now, if my DH asked me to stop being friends with him just because he felt threatened, that is a line I would draw.

I also believe, on the flip side, that yes, things can totally change between a gender-opposite friendship after WLS...this happened to me a few months ago, where I was talking to a guy friend from my past, who was always just a friend but I did always have a crush on him back in the day and my feelings were never reciprocated because he was just not attracted to me. I was satisfied with being his friend for almost 20 years...we are both married now and he started texting me a lot and calling me and it just became inappropriate. It was really hard to let go, I liked the attention, I won't lie, but it was not healthy and it was disrespectful so I stopped talking to him and told DH about it. It was a big emotional mess...but I think I needed that experience to realize that I married my husband for a reason and I don't want to be with anyone else...and we are OK now.

I do think a man and woman can absolutely be platonic friends, but it is a slippery slope and it is definitely a case-by-case basis...I think it is much more rare for it to be a successful platonic friendship than not.

I do believe in male - female friendships. But... sometimes one side is more engaged than the other. I used to have close male friends, and only as years pasted I learned that some of them had crash on me. Even as I am older, I still had to be very careful, so my friendly personality is not taken as "open to flirtation and something more"

Part of a reason for me being fat is that I used that as a shield. I had tendency to attract "not so nice" people, specially men . Since I studied engineering, there was 75-25 ratio men to women. Or even more %of men in the field I was studying. Because of my upbringing, and the university, I was very much ok with that and typically had a problem relating to women not in engineering field. I had friends I had a crash on, and there were friends who had a crash on me. And I had bunch of real platonic relationships.

I always believed that "one bad apple can spoil the whole lot" and if there is 1-2 "bad guys" in a group of men, and I was one of a very few women in my field, eventually I would be a target.

It had great male friends, but I got burned a few too many times to really believe in only platonic relationship from both sides. Unfortunately I learned I can't never relax around guys, unless they are gay.

I had a few male friends I could feel good about, but at least 4 are gone, dead, and a few more - I moved, they moved, they changed industry, etc and we lost contact.

Is it possible? Yes. But special connection can lead to much more for one person or the other if someone is going through some difficult personal time (divorce, separation, dead of a spouse, etc) and may want to change the platonic friendship to FWB or even more than that.