Long Time Partner Just Had Surgery - Looking for Guidance on How Best to Support

RobinRedbreast
on 3/10/18 4:40 pm

Hi, Everyone:

I'm going to dive right in...

My long time partner had surgery this past week, and his mood has become... dark. I cannot begin to imagine the inner work being done nor do I underestimate how incredibly challenging this is and is going to be. So, I'm wondering...

What do I do?

My partner has become quiet, sullen, very moody. If I talk it's too much; if I'm silent, too little. Basically, I can't do anything right.

Forgive me if this isn't the right place to post this, but any guidance, insight and/or input would be appreciated.

Please, and thank you.

~ Robin Redbreast

NYMom222
on 3/10/18 4:58 pm
RNY on 07/23/14

Hopefully others will chime in as I didn't have a significant other when I had surgery.

Just know it is a huge transition he is going through in his body and his mind. He lost his coping mechanism and long time Friend- food. There are all kind of hormonal and physical changes going on as well. I remember it being so challenging mentally trying to figure out how to do this right and not screw it up.

Its great that you are asking. Good Luck!

Cynthia 5'11" RNY 7/23/2014

Goal reached 17 months. 220lb Weight Loss
Plastic Surgery Dr. Joseph Michaels - LBL and Hernia Repair 2/29/16, Arm Lift, BL, 5/2/16, Leg Lift 7/25/16

#lifeisanadventure #fightthegoodfight #noregrets

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peachpie
on 3/11/18 3:28 am - Philadelphia, PA
RNY on 04/28/15

Only thing I'd add to this is- be patient, but make him aware- in a patient, delicate way, that you see a change is his demeanor. He may be so wrapped in in his head, trying to sort everything out- that he doesn't think/realize it's impacring you. and if he doesn't know- there is no way he can work on it.

5'6.5" High weight:337 Lowest weight:193/31 BMI: Goal: 195-205/31-32 BMI

RobinRedbreast
on 3/11/18 4:24 am

That is such a good point and is so helpful; thank you. In my nearly 11 years w/ BF, I've learned that timing is everything when trying to discuss something with him. Now may not be the time - coming on the heels of the surgery - but it may be soon.

Thanks so much!

~ RR

RobinRedbreast
on 3/11/18 4:20 am

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond - I appreciate it. BF isn't the most expressive emotionally on a good day, so I'm not entirely sure why I had an expectation that this would be different, but he'd been so open pre-surgery that to have him shut down, and shut me out, is proving quite challenging. I, of course, got a cold as soon as he got out of the hospital, so we've been in very close quarters for a bit too long. (I go back to work tomorrow.) Perhaps when he feels less observed and has time to work some of this stuff out without a witness... hope springs eternal.

Thanks, again!

~ RR

Jujuseven
on 3/10/18 5:07 pm

The best advice I can give you is to have as much patience as you can with your partner. I was that dark, depressed version of myself for a while post op. It took me a couple months to feel a little bit more like myself again if I'm being completely honest. It's hard when you have a relationship with food and suddenly it's gone. It's like a bad break up... if your partner is venting and being redundant about the things that are upsetting them try to listen and let them know although you don't know what it feels like, you can only imagine how hard it is. Between the initial trauma of surgery, the pain, the medications, and the lack of food 2-4+ weeks pre-op and post op can really mess with someone's head. They will start feeling more alive again when they get in a routine, start eating solid foods and learn how to comfortably fuel themselves. They are still healing mentally and physically. It's a process but I'm sure you will become closer through it all.

Best of luck

RobinRedbreast
on 3/11/18 4:28 am

Thank you so much for this insight; it is helpful and appreciated. I think we are both counting down the days until he can move off of liquids and onto puréed foods. I know he has an additional challenge of not being able to cook which is his love, in addition to eating and drinking. Once he can start concocting delicious food that he can comfortably eat, I think this will be easier for him. He hasn't had solid food in 3 weeks - that has got to be challenging; I can't even imagine.

Thanks, again!

~ RR

Jujuseven
on 3/11/18 11:09 am

Yes! The cooking is a challenge I went through as well. He might eventually come around to cooking for you even though he might not be able to eat whatever he prepares. After a while of refusing to cook because I was moody and couldn't eat the meals I wanted to make, I ended up cooking for my husband and it was actually kind of therapeutic. The first few weeks post op are definitely the hardest. It gets pretty boring when you can't eat and you're physically limited. And of course, you're welcome! I wish someone could have explained to my husband what I was feeling post op because I'm sure he was having a hard time handling me so I'm more than happy to help someone understand.

Writergurl08
on 3/10/18 5:16 pm
RNY on 02/15/18

I just had my own surgery but I was in your shoes last year when my husband had surgery (I hadn't yet decided to do it myself). He was similar in that it seemed like he'd lost interest and didn't care about anything he normally does. I didn't quite understand, but I think it was the combination of not being able to eat "normally," hormonal changes, and kind of wondering what the heck he did to himself.

I don't think it hit me as hard because i was super well prepared, haunted this forum, and just had a better idea of what was going to happen than we did when DH had his.

Honestly the best thing you can do is just keep being there, listening, and while you probably can't completely avoid eating in front of him, at least keep the bad stuff out of the house if you eat them, until he gets used to the new routine. As he is able to eat more solid foods and sees results, he'll likely come around :)

HW: 340 SW: 329 Goal: 170

CW: 243

Surgeon: Dr. Kalyana Nandipati (Omaha, NE)

RobinRedbreast
on 3/11/18 4:34 am

So much here to unpack; thank you!

I texted my Mom last night about the challenging day BF and I had just had, and she suggested that I go onto a forum for support. Of course! Why didn't I think of that?... and so far this space has not disappointed. I so wish BF were the type of person to do it as well, but he is so flippin' stoic and seems to have adopted "suffer in silence" - I can't break through. I see glimmers of his knowing that this is hard on me (for very different reasons), but that passes just as soon as it shines through. There is so much that is changing in our relationship, so many roles that are shifting, none of which either of us considered.

FWIW, I would love to listen if he would talk.

I don't bring bad stuff into the house. I struggle with my own weight issues and was so excited to be able to eat with him so that I could lose weight along with him (he's the cook in the family), but now it just feels weird to eat in front of him but (a) he wants to sit down to dinner, and (b) he wants to cook for me even though he can't eat. It's really super uncomfortable for me, but I know that if I say this he will get angry. It's really difficult right now, so thank you for your perspective; it's really so appreciated.

~ RR

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