Empowering Yourself

Since you brought up your profession... As a LPC who also now has a PhD in Psychology and who has run a number of trauma and domestic violence related support groups, I have to ask: in the name of avoiding "unsolicited advice" in your professional groups, do you just allow people to continue making poor choices and to self-sabotage or self-medicate without confronting it in any way?

In ALL of the groups I have run, I can count on one hand the number of times a group member asked for advice regarding their substance abuse or spontaneously asked how to stop destructive coping skills (because, of course, they often don't even recognize them and, even if they do recognize them, they usually don't want to face them).

Isn't it part of your job as the group leader to help group members identify their self-destructive behaviors and negative coping skills? Isn't it part of your job to use your training and experience to identify the ways that people are either continuing a downward spiral or are simply not making any positive progress?

Surely you recognize that people respond differently to various types of assistance... and that -- for most people -- it usually takes a combination of support and confrontation (and I don't mean in an aggressive way... I mean in a "you can't change what you don't acknowledge" way) to make positive, long lasting changes in their lives.

It is the same in this OH "group". Those of us who have been here for YEARS (11 years for me) have seen hundreds of people sabotage themselves into failure. We know the early signs, and we know that if no one confronts them (and all they get is "it'll be all right" or "you've got this" handpatting), they ARE going to struggle to get the weight off and keep it off.

You might not have liked the perceived tone of some of unsolicited advice you have seen from "vets", but I can guarantee that it was far more sound advice than what gets spouted here as "wisdom" from pre-ops and from newbies who are still parroting whatever their surgeon told them.

No one here takes power from anyone by offering help! If you interpret taking help from others as evidence of your own weakness and inability to be successful on your own, then maybe you should sit in the chair on the other side of the counseling office for a while and work through it.

I get that people feel vulnerable when they are going through this process (I would venture to say that most of us do, to varying extents), and that many people need extra support, but blind, unconditional support does NOT truly help people achieve their psychological healing and weight loss goals. Blind, unconditional support when someone is suicidal results in a dead client.

Lora

Wow. Lots of great analysis. I hope a lot of people learn something from it.

Awesome. Just. Awesome. If it wasn't so long, I would have it tattooed, to my inner arm, so I could read it, several times daily

Interesting, Lora, thank you.

What are your professional views on people in a private support group sharing what they learn about others in that group, outside of the group?

Would you, as a professional, be happy to then repeat in public anything that you knew was gleaned in a private group?

In ALL therapeutic groups, the number one rule is that, in order for everyone in the group to feel emotionally safe enough to share, no one in the group takes anything outside the group walls. Period. One person breaking that rule can potentially destroy the group (especially if it is a group of surviviors of sexual violence who are the most vulnerable group clients).

In 12 years, the only time I have ever discussed any group information outside of a group (except with my supervisor when I was still an intern or a brand new counselor) was when a client was actively suicidal. I was obligated to report it to authorities.

I did once mention on the RNY board here many years ago something completely astounding that a client said (which made it clear that she was not even within sight of being almost ready for surgery), and even though none of my clients knew I was on OH, this client didn't even own a computer (and therefore would never see it), and I gave no identifying info other than gender, a couple of people called me out on it. Although I still believe that several people overreacted at the time, I did take the point of some others and have not shared anything in a public forum even in such an oblique way since then.

Thanks, Lora. I facilitated sexual abuse survivors groups in the early 2000s and it was the first rule in every group. To this day, I have never shared one piece of information I gleaned in those groups (other than with our supervisor).

I'm surprised that anyone here who has ever been in a support group doesn't understand how important it is. Even if the titbit shared is innocuous, the betrayal of trust is the BIG problem.

We hear all the time that this is a support group, but it really isn't. It's completely open to the public (you don't have to be a member to read) and there's absolutely NO expectation of privacy. It doesn't mean it's not supportive, just that you should be aware of what it is and what it isn't. Having said that, it's an awesome resource for our population.

Thank you for sharing your professional opinion, you are an awesome resource on OH.

Outstanding, Lora. Truly, thank you for writing this out.

My contrarian but sincere opinion is that an addict confronted is almost always an addict who runs away.

Sometimes, yes... but an addiction that is IGNORED is NEVER resolved.

While I don't have tons of time to devote to an in depth professional debate my short answer is that I practice from a generalist eclectic perspective with an emphasis on CBT, motivational interviewing, humanism, and use an over arching strengths based perspective. I work in end of life, grief and loss, and family settings. Perhaps it is not obvious in this particular thread but the info RE the private group I am part of says specifically,

"Please note that asking for help, advice, encouragement, and accountability are all highly encouraged in this group. These are the things we need other people for. If you never ask for any, you really aren't going to be getting much out of this group. Just like in an in-person group session I suggest you give some vulnerability in order to receive the benefits you will find from connection.

That said.... if one of us does not ask for help (or advice, or accountability, or whatever) please refrain from offering it. Unsolicited door-to-door sales people rarely are welcome, desired, or genuine. Unsolicited 'help' online is pretty much the same except at least with the door-to-door I ended up with a cool vacuum."

From that I am sure it is clear that accountability and seeking advice is encouraged and a cornerstone to what we each use to succeed. I do firmly believe that unsolicited advice is destructive. Everyone is entitled to their perspective and I am glad you have yours and I have mine. Each of us could find lots of great journal peer reviewed studies to support either concept. Isn't it wonderful that not every person is the same.

~Elizabeth