More Body Dysmorphia Weirdness

So I just got the results back of my barium swallow test and I actually was unable to turn on my tummy cuz of severe pain in my back, hips, and foob area. So they did the best they could with the test and it appears to be fine--hopefully the surgeon will accept it as a "Pass."

But here is where it gets weird...when I was "small-ish" in high school at 150lbs, I thought I was enormous! For reals. And now that I'm 247lbs (down from the most recent 287lbs, and down from an all time high of 325lbs), I feel so "small-ish." I can see my chest wall and smooth back (things go wonky anywhere below my xyphoid process and on my arms/shoulders, etc where I carry all of my weight these days--mostly cuz of all the plastic surgery to the foobs/back where they had to strip away all of my muscle and fat for the cancer surgery and reconstruction/transplants).

So I read the test and it described me in the notes as being "morbidly obese (severe)." And I know that is a medical determination made on the basis of my BMI, but still it hurts reading that and it feels like he's calling me "severly" morbidly obese as a judgement call for how I look. It's so twisted up in my mind. You know? I have absolutely ZERO, "real" idea about my body and how I present to the world. Even with age, I don't "see" myself as a 54 year, grey-haired "old people." I still see myself as an 18 year old.

So now my mood, which was very good this morning, is in the crapper. Cuz even after losing almost 80lbs and "feeling" like I am approaching a "normal" average size...I'm apparently still "SEVERLY morbidly obese" and feel like THAT is actually the true perception of me by people looking at me. I'm a sad monkey now.

Do any of you feel this way or have experiences like this? Do they improve with weight loss and getting to goal? TIA!

I think all of us are getting more familiar with large people being the norm. I was morbidly obese at 205lbs, and when I would tell people that I was/did have WLS they would say "but you're no where NEAR that big!" It is a medical term, and it correlates to our BMI (height /weight ratio).

I hear you on the progress vs. current status thing. I seriously feel SMALLER than I was in my early thirties when I weighed at least thirty pounds less. My thighs seem TINY compared to four months ago, and my arms, hands and face seem almost thin! But I am only half way to goal. I'm not thin... I'm just comparatively thin.

It's not just us, my BFF saw me last week and was sure I was the same size as when she and I first met. NOPE not even close! So what ever this is, it seems to be shared :)

I hate to think of this as "comfort in numbers," cuz it's such a confusing head trip. Right? It just makes no logical sense and I rely on logic for a happy life.

Congrats on your weight loss success girl!

I took measurements this morning and my thighs just above the knees are down three inches from early May. I'm hovering right between a size 12 and size 10. My medium sized running shirts are getting a wee bit baggy, and when I ordered sports bras online my measurements called for a size SMALL. Yet I'm a good 30 lbs heavier than I was the last time (2000) I was wearing a size 10 pant and a size small top.

That's awesome! Congrats! But dang, how weird is body comp? Right?

HI,

Sorry, don't be a sad monkey. :(

I completely understand and get the "morbidly obese" because I started with a BMI of 55. Most of my major life events were when I was "morbidly obese" including getting married, having babies and dating.

When you start that high, most people consider getting to "just obese" as a major accomplishment! But when I got to "just overweight" and weighed 165 from a high of 340, I still felt fat . I was a size 8 on top and 10 on the bottom and I still felt fluffy. Most people could not tell that I was ever that large and with clothes on, I was the only one that knew. Here is a picture for perspective of before and after. The biggest one in the wedding shot and THAT is not even me at my highest weight.... and me in 2009 at 165.

Spent years in therapy and it broke up my last marriage because I needed positive affirmation from others... Yes, I partied a lot and needed others to tell me I was beautiful.

And FYI: I am now 52 and I dont feel that age at all!.... There is also a current picture from a couple years ago . This one below. Its so hard especially if you have low self esteem issues. I have always used humor and intellect to get what I want and hide pain about not feeling good about myself. Why can I be so successful in business, be entrepreneurial, have beautiful kids and still be so rough on myself?

My only advice is to see a really good therapist to help you resolve issues as they come up. At each stage of your weight loss, you will encounter new issues about how you feel about yourself. I can't say it has solved all my problems but it helps a lot!!

Love the pics; you look great!

Gosh I can identify with everything you just said. I have been counting down the time until I'm out of the morbidly category and can't seem to wrap my head around actually realizing the "overweight" stage. To me it seems thousands of miles away and I can't seem to identify with how my body will feel or look at that time. You know? Or if my mind will cooperate and see me accurately. I am actually looking forward to my psych eval, cuz I am gonna discuss the body dysmorphia and self esteem issues with him. I have fought self esteem issues since I was a tiny little girl and actually still to this day use humor and "class clown" behavior to mask fear of rejection and pain underneath. I get that "needing outside affirmation--I'm sorry you had to pay such a high price, the loss of your marriage, as a result."

Thanks so much for sharing your inner thoughts! I'm sorry you've had to go through so much on your road to health. Not that my opinion matters, but you were and are really beautiful. Even at your "almost" highest, you were beautiful (and also look like so much fun). I woulda wanted to be friends so we could laugh a lot and get into shenanigans! Good times!

Oh and FYI b****. No WAY do you look 52! snort

((hugs)) and thanks for answering!

I feel differently day to day, even wearing the same clothes. It's weird. I'll go shopping, buy a cute new top, and think it looks GREAT in the store, that I look "thinner" in it.

Then I'll put it on for the first time at home and think "OMG, I look terrible in this; what was I thinking?"

Then I'll put it on another day and think it looks great. I have no idea why it changes, lol.

I'm 53 and never felt old until I lost over 100 Lbs and now have some crepe-y skin on my neck. I hate it. I had no wrinkles at all when I was 100 Lbs heavier, but still hated my neck because of how big it was.

If I only get one surgery when all this is over, it will be to get rid of that neck thing, lol.

The neck was the worst for me too - I felt so old when I looked in the mirror!