Leaving Others Behind Question

It's a mental journey as well as a physical one, for all of us. Never easy but always interesting . I wish I had the answers instead of just a billion questions.

Chiming in late here, but wanted you to know I understand some of this. While Riley seems to be very supportive, I do find myself watching what he eats and then (silently) wondering why he's surprised when his sugar is up, or his weight won't go down... I see friends pile food on their plates, and I know it's not healthy, and I think I 'judge' because I remember that being me - and then going back for seconds!

I'm not as interested in watching TV at night as I used to be... I can't sit still for that long.

But we have so many changes going on in our lives - as you know - that we are struggling to keep up with each other in so many ways.

Tell your kids that some of the strongest women were TINY in stature, but HUGE in other ways... and I already know you are just that

I've had friends that are very supportive, but they don't understand why I felt I needed to do this surgery. But, I don't really have a best friend that lives close to me, and two of my closest friends here locally both had WLS within 5-8 months of me, so I am lucky in that we are kind of going through this together with our Tribe, so perhaps because there are 3 of us swimming in the same pool, it's easier?

You and your Guy just need to find some other things to do together, and you find something to do while he's watching his marathon TV... it'll be OK.

Hang in there!

I know you guys are dealing with lots of changes. I think that would be super confusing if my Guy was changing and doing his own work on himself like your guy is. Maybe he is just letting things settle in more before he takes on new projects. That seems like something he would do. Either which way...we will all get through it. I believe in us!

~E

I can definitely relate to this. My partners both have their own weight struggles (one is on the borderline between overweight and obese, the other between normal and overweight) and they both would like to lose weight but would rather have a second helping of pasta. I have actually said to them both, "DO something about it if it bothers you." if they complain. Because while I love them regardless of their weight, I don't love listening to them complain as though they're helpless to do anything about it!

But, yes, it's amazing to me how much of my old interactions with people revolved around food. I still go out and I still share meals with friends, but food is no longer the driver of the time I spend with people and I like that. My friendships have changed a bit, but I think that they've weathered the change. (Except for one, but that's a complicated thing.)

My relationship with Art had to change (and is still changing) the most, because food used to be a big thing for us to share. While he is active now, our activities are completely different. He basically lives at the dojo but I can't do Aikido at any weight without injuring myself :P So on the one hand it's awesome that I inspired him to be more active but on the other hand it really sucks that he's not more active in the ways that -I'm- active :P We're still working on figuring out what our new "thing" will be together.

I am still barely out of surgery -almost 3 months but completely understand what you are saying.

My daughter, 23 yo is home now after college and has actually lost 30 lbs with me. Rather than mother/daughter lunch dates we have mother/daughter/dog trips to the dog park and walk the track. We watch FOOD NETWORK and try new, healthy recipes. I really tried to work her into my new life and asked for her help in my success. She feels included and happy she can "help" me.

I have only been married 2 years and my husband is very slender and fit. He runs and supports me going to the gym-everyday. However, my first husband was not and I feel like we both enabled each other to not care about weight issues. We were married 20 years and did not lead an active lifestyle. At 41 I was diagnosed with cancer and lost my entire kidney. Kidneys are important but I didn't realize just HOW important they are. Coming to the realization that my chance of survival was not 100 % made me re-think my life and how I wanted to live it for however long I had. I realized I was not happy and felt stagnant, like my life was unfulfilling and decided to divorce.

Now 6 years later I am happy and active and do things that make me happy. Losing a kidney affects your blood pressure, pulse, weight, hormones, I lost all reproductive organs so ended up in surgically induced menopause which does a number to all the above. But, I am making the most of my WLS opportunity. I'm down nearly 60 lbs and feel great. But most importantly I am happy with myself and my life. In the end, that's all that matters.

Wow that is a big change. Kidneys and relationship. Now WLS. Perhaps we are just feeling the shifting of those changes. Sometimes I forget how much things have changed. Got to catch up with it all.

My cir****tances are usually no where near anything resembling normal, but I already know better to know, at 15 1/2 years post rny and being the last of friends to have wls, and a father who had wls when I was in the 6th grade but I had a thin Mom.

Even though I'm wordy when I'm on here (which isn't much) I choose my words very carefully, given my cir****tances. In my case, being the last of my friends to have wls, I was on both sides, so to spea****il I had my gastric bypass. I watched them lose weight, thinking I could do it with them, without surgery and when that didn't work, I had wls.

Which most of my friends completely pretended didn't happen. And it was very hurtful as even though I do admit, I was jealous of their weight loss, prior to surgery, I still was supportive of their losing weight and they weren't supportive of my weight loss, especially when I got thinner than everybody around me. Given being heavy all my life, this had a lot of strain on most of my personal relationships, family and friends. It was disconcerting though, because I thought I'd catch a break, once I had wls, couldn't be anymore WRONG.

Most people on here, know me as the wordy reversed rny chick on here, my personal issues both wonderful to horrible post wls, far supercede my reversal.

You said a lot of wise words, in your above post. You have obviously are entitled to view your life as you choose. What I'm saying isn't to be critical, it's to help.

My life would've been a lot easier, had people not been so judgemental about my weight BOTH fat and thin. I don't expect strangers to be sympathetic, but family and friends, yeah. Especially when we get messages that something is wrong with us (we either are too thin or too fat) from people who are supposed to be caring about us without harm.

That's why I'm saying think about it, with a little more caution of "I honestly don't know that I'm even worried about it" anymore.

You can replace friends, with friends who are more likeminded like you. You can't replace family, even though you can replace a husband, if necessary. WLS and the changes it demands, require for your personal mental and medical health to be compliant to a diet, if you're okay with what others eat when with you, that will help.

IF you have any form of personal judgement, even unexpressed, guess what? People do pick up on that. I'm not saying you do, it's to help though make you think about whether you do this or not, or how much you talk about wls, with people who are not so like minded or in my case, where I should've gotten a lot more support in my case, both before and after my rny, but no one knew how to support me and even though there was OH.com at the of my rny, we didn't have as much avenues for support as there is now.

Point I'm trying to say, it's easier to figure things out and manage them, if you look at what's in the realm of your control, Elizabeth both in the short term and long term, if you know what issues are going to potentially face you, personally and not one of us can say, well do x,y and z and that will work for you long term.

But it might help to hear that no, you aren't alone. But try at least work on your relationship with your family, such as bonding over things other than food and try to recognize whether or not you have an inner food/fat critic and realize even if that's unexpressed, people can sense it. Although you can be the most unassuming person about your weight loss and by the fact you had wls and lost a lot of weight, people are going to judge you for that and let that go.

Realize though that you can be true to yourself and those you care about the most, by being mindful and balancing what you feel you need to be in your own best health and respecting that it may not be a decision that's either good for someone now to make in your life (family and friends not wanting to deal with weight loss issues) and trying to do what's best for your family, as it applies what they can realistically expect from mutual support.

And that may be taking food and weight out of those particular conversations when people have a different weight philosophy. As while it shouldn't be any different than any type of other opinions, unfortunately it is and a lot of people aren't happy post wls, because so many don't know that some decisions they are making now (NOT talking about your rny) is going to hurt them later.

Best of luck going forward... Peace, Lisa ....

Thank you for your words Lisa. I appreciate you taking time to talk with me. I think you are right. I forget that people feel you even when you don't say things out-loud. Add to it that I have a terrible poker face I am sure that if and when I am thinking negatively my family especially likely sees that.

After I posted this and read the comments I've been thinking about how I feel about myself and realizing that much of that 'judgy' thinking is really projected self judgement. I am still angry at myself for not being a healthy weight for the first 43 years of my life. Before surgery I worked on my internal self acceptance and had grown a good bit of self love and body positivity. Or so I thought. I think under that...deeper...there was still self loathing masked by trying to learn to love myself. Now...that mask is all stripped down and I am seeing that there was a layer that is not so pretty.

This week I have been catching myself when the negative thoughts arise and being mindful and kind of tracking back where they start. I am trying affirmations and working on journaling. These seem to be really helping. I have noticed that I am not turning those thoughts outward and thinking negatively about my Guy.

Now that I read your post I am thinking about how the interactions have gone with him this week and he has actually seemed more connected and relaxed. I think your "they see it even if you don't say it" was making him feel self conscious. The last few days he has been more at ease in his own skin and hasn't been making those negative comments about himself he had been.

You hit the nail on the head. I am definitely going to keep going with this and see if it keeps moving in the right direction.

~Elizabeth

I'm glad you saw that I meant to help. Please also understand you have a right to be happy and do what you feel is in your best health. It just may help the relationships that you care about to nourish them in ways that don't involve weight or food.

But hopefully you also realize you only get one body and 1 life, so being happy and proud that you did something when the time was ready, that's good. It just may be easier for you, again, to get that support here or if you don't have any IRL wls peeps, of finding them somehow, so that your need for similarly minded social support gets met, too.

I just happened to have all these experiences, in the case where my friends who had wls, weren't happy then with me. Most of them did gain all their weight back, but one. She has problems because she does make judgements about her friends with weight and she should know better, being over 15 1/2 years post op, that it's hard enough to change ourselves, it's impossible (and it's truthfully, unreasonable, to try and change others, too). Even when we mean well, it won't happen for them until their ready or they may never need to because their okay at the weight they are at.

In different set of wls circle friends, my friends who gained all their weight back, truthfully hold it against me that I've kept off 1/2 my excess weight, at this point. Even though I ended up getting my crappy digestive system back, in all its glory, while I don't necessarily diet, I am mindful for what I eat, especially being someone who could gain 400 lbs and is now permanently ineligible for wls.

So it doesn't make me better than them that I do try, given my unique cir****tances and it doesn't make them worse for gaining their weight back. It makes them kinda flawed for judging me about it or making me feel bad for what's bad in my life to compensate my smaller (but not small) than them. And while I keep in rare contact with people like that, I truthfully don't have the patience for people who can't be happy for others, especially for those who don't own their body insecurities, especially when I've gone out of my way to make them not feel bad.

And after all the experiences I've had, it's one thing to be jealous, that's human nature. But it's another to begrudge someone their happiness and no one has the right to do that you, I hope you realize that, is what I'm trying to get across . You may find though whether you get offline support for weight loss either from new friends who are wls peeps or friends who've never had a weight problem that you'll find your tribe of people, both online and off, and it could also be with friends who are heavier but are secure in themselves and don't find you being of a lighter weight as a threat.

While my case with jealousy was more insidious because even though I don't bring up weight loss in any other forum, usually but here (most grads aren't in the community as long as I've been) I do so, to try it make it easier for everyone's stories to be told. Because in my wacky case, my friends who were wls peeps weren't happy or supportive, nor was my family who gave me a hard time for being fat and then when I was thin, they weren't supportive, either. Even though 3 out of 5 us had wls in my immediate family, alone. And while my sister who had long term success, I'm happy for, she's not nice to me, because I fell apart when I had my complications. Although at my thinnest and fittest, my weight loss was credited to being eating disordered versus her just having bariatric surgery.

That's why I'm so keen on giving support and you pay it forward in your own way. And you have a lot of things to already be happy and proud of yourself for, for doing what's best for you. Don't get stuck on that you didn't do it sooner, you did it when the time was right. And you're doing a lot of things right, that's in your best interest. It may be that the social support you get here will be enough. Otherwise, if you're surgeons office has offline type of groups, that may be a great way to meet people who are going through what you're going through and won't be threatened by it, because they are either better than most of my IRL friends and/or you met after your surgeries and are secure in yourself and they are too