Leaving Others Behind Question

I thought I was alone. I see my children--grown and morbidly obese and it makes me sad. Sis will eat only a few bites of food when I am at family gathering. I never made a big deal about losing weight to anyone because everyone I care for is heavy. I think I make them feel bad and that's not my intention at all. I am alone a lot.

Yes, never was my intention but it is there. Hope we both get through this part quickly onto the good parts of this journey. ~E

So much truth to what you posted. We even discuss these issues in the physical support group I attend monthly. I have also heard that sometimes "thinner" friends step back as they feel they are no longer the "catch" of the group.

For me, I have experienced it more with my spouse. We too, used to do ALL.THINGS. FOOD! We have tried to communicate with each other during this journey but it hasn't always been easy. It used to be easy for him to comfort me after a stressful day with cheesecake, pie, cake..whatever and we enjoyed many date nights out at dinner. After awhile he also felt he needed to improve his health and seeing me more active he wanted to be as well-with that and his 40th birthday approaching he decided to take a leap and started on his own journey (he chose DDPYoga). It's been about a year now and we have had several conversations about how he "gets" this side of it now after my two years on the path. We have tried to become very creative about finding other ways to give gifts/surprises for one another that don't include food. I mean he was always supportive but now it seems he just gets it better.

Yikes, I ended up rambling and it probably sounds it but I have been working in between trying to post...in a nutshell I wanted you to know that you're not alone.

Thank you. Not alone is always better! ~E

You captured part of what's going on my life perfectly when you said "I feel like I am striving and moving forward and he is spinning his wheels and not growing with me. I want to go for a hike, he is upset we aren't caught up on his favorite TV shows. I spend tons of time and energy meal planning, debating nutritional goals, reading about fitness and I share very little of that with him now because he is just not interested. We have never had separate interests like this before. We are drifting."

I have definitely developed new interests as part of this process - you sort of have to if you want to be successful. The part that bothers me is the negativity that gets projected onto me by my family. I keep hearing "your personality has changed" and "you aren't happy anymore" - both of which I find to be utterly false. What I believe they truly mean is "you have different interests now" and "going out to dinner is no longer a main source of happiness to you". These things are very true. But the way they look at it is so negative.

When my wife wants to go out and celebrate something, she always wants to go out for dinner. I get it. I used to be the same way. But I no longer enjoy eating out, I would much prefer to stay in and have more control over my food (and frankly, my healthy food tends to be better than the one or two healthy options on your average restaurant menu). She'll say "let's go out tonight - where do you want to go??" to which I generally respond "why don't you pick as I will most likely end up getting a chicken breast or chili so it really makes no difference at all to me". She interprets this as me no longer getting joy out of life. It's crazy, and no amount of me trying to explain seems to change her opinion about what I am experiencing!

Fortunately I do not have this issue with my friend group at all, which is nice. My kids are also more adaptable, and to some degree really enjoy my change in interests as they like to engage in more activities than just dining out. Although the changes are a bit unsettling to my 12 year old, she's growing accustom to it.

Funny you said this about celebrating... today is our anniversary and he started to suggest eating out and then kinda looked at me and said, "Oh...well... we can just hang out at home. What's for dinner?" It was cute. He is trying. It is a big change.

~E

You know Elizabeth, I went through this when I lost weight, and when I earned degrees, and most recently when I found love and remarried. This is a common human response to those around us who "succeed."
My dad talked a lot about it once he got sober. And in truth, it really is like you "got sober." You no longer indulge in decadent sweets with your sweetie, and there is nothing with which to replace that. You no longer identify with your friend's issues---you understand them---but they are no longer your issues. Your friend seems to have said it best: She is happy for you, but your success shines a light on her failure.

This crab-in-the-bucket syndrome is on my mind quite a bit. My husband has been highly supportive from the beginning. But now that weight loss is becoming more and more apparent, he responds less enthusiastically. For the first time in our relationship, I now weigh less than him. I think of how mean my aunt was to me when I graduated from college. One night in a drunken tell-all, she confessed that I made her feel "stupid." I tried to tell her that I was the same person, but ultimately, I could not be responsible for how she feels about herself. In truth, what I later figured out is that she had always perceived me as stupid, so when I succeeded at school, what did that make her?

So, now you have successfully lost weight, and those who always perceived you as fat have to alter their perceptions. You can love them. but that is their work to do.
Our children "look up to us" for much more than our size. Your girls will realize that everything they always looked up to you for is still there, and you will be an inspiration to them later as they understand what you went through to achieve this goal.
Meanwhile, keep reaching out and talking through it. Meet friends with whom you have other things in common---I know that seems harder as we get older (for me, anyway).
YOU are doing great! Please don't let others make you feel bad about your success. Someone will always try.

Hmmmm I hadn't thought about that! Actually now that you mention it I did have that experience when I graduated from grad school too. I guess I just didn't notice the similarities. Thank you! I will think on this for a while.

I can't relate to the kids, spouse, or friends stepping away, but what spoke to me was your description of losing connections and still feeling lonely. Are you connecting with some people and not others, or no one? You said you are disinterested in some of your old activities. Do you still have some you are interested in? Have you found new activities that you enjoy?

The reason I'm asking is because becoming disconnected from people, losing interest in hobbies and activities, and feeling lonely are all things I went through with depression. Depression can be exacerbated after surgery -- between body changes, metabolic changes, and these relationship changes that occur because we move to a new place in our lives. I'm not trying to diagnosis anyone, just providing a different lens :)

I wondered for a while if I was depressed. Lately I think I can see that I am doing well. Feeling good and enjoying things in life...just different things that are not shared with the same people. I am connecting with new and different people though. I feel overall well and not depressed. I do keep an eye on it just in case. Thanks for the check in.

~E