Unsupportive spouse
I just need to reach out to you folks as my support community to share that I am frustrated and saddened by the change of heart in my spouse. When I first decided to have surgery 4 months ago, she was very supportive and encouraging. I think the reality of my changes is setting in though and she has begun to say things that are less supportive.
She often asks me why I can't eat carbs and I explain that they are allowed by my surgeon but that they are a slippery slope for me and my cravings. She is also MO and has been encouraged by our doctor to consider surgery. I think she is conflicted though because she can't imagine herself not eating carbs and so she is questioning me.
She also is very negative about my exercising. I value my exercise time and feel so much better when I do. I love the way that I feel physically and emotionally plus I love how it makes my body feel strong. She has chronic illnesses that make most exercise difficult and I think she is acting more out of jealousy than concern for me.
I need to be strong even though she isn't being as supportive, but it is hard to have the less than encouraging messages being shot my way.
Thanks for listening!
![](https://images.obesityhelp.com/uploads/profile/2016165/tickers/librarian6797e10455e4d1b4ff874410c64c04cb3d.png?_=4294646235)
HW: 248+, SW (RNY: 2/28/17): 244, GW (10/17): 125; LW: 115; 45# regain (19-20); CW: 135.6; new goal: 135; Plastics: Ext mastopexy, Ext abdominoplasty-5/18/2018; diagnosed w/ gastroparesis 11/20.
That's tough. Hopefully she'll find inspiration in your journey.
My wife is thin and she's been supportive as I travel to meet her in the "healthy world" Then there's times when the green-eyed monster rears its ugly head and she sees my weight loss as a threat.
I would imagine her own feelings are coming into play on this more than anything else. This has nothing to do with you, really.
Perhaps insecurity about how the 'new you' might not love her as much? Fears that she may lose you? perhaps a bit of jealousy?
Is there any chance you can get to go see a counselor with you?
Is there something the two of you can do together that doesn't revolve around food or exercise (that's harder than it sounds! LOL)
I'm in a bad mood today, so what I really want to tell you is to tell her that your relationship isn't about whether or not you'll eat a bag of potato chips with her, and to STFU... but that's probably not the best angle to go with
I hope things get better, and remember (and remind her) that you are the same person inside!
And then remind her that as you lose more weight... bedroom time gets more interesting because you can move in different ways
![](https://images.obesityhelp.com/uploads/profile/2005897/tickers/pammieanneddd1153a0a83e10a497c81bceab8ccb6.png?_=5190711012)
Height 5'5" HW 260 SW 251 CW 141.6 (2/27/18)
RNY 5-16-16 Pre-Op 9lbs, M1-18.5lbs, M2-18.1lbs, M3-14.8lbs, M4-10.4lbs, M5-9.2lbs, M6-7lbs, M7-6.2lbs, M8-8.8lbs,M9-7.8lbs, M10-1 lb, M11-.6lbs, M12-4.4lbs
My first thought was just like Pammie's; your wife is probably feeling insecure and anxious about your relationship because you're losing weight and becoming active, and she is not.
She may need reassurance that you will still love her and want to be with her no matter how small you get.
Maybe if you tell her how much her support has meant to you she will continue with it; or you could just tell her you don't feel as supported now and explain why.
If her doctor has recommended she have surgery, then you're right, her questions about carbs and activity are probably more about her than about you; she's probably trying to figure out how on earth she could manage this and wondering why she'd even want to. I remember sitting in my orientation, looking at the size of the meals we would be allowed post op, thinking, "You have GOT to be kidding me!" Then I came online and looked at the menu thread and was convinced everyone here was anorexic post op and convinced there was no way I could do it, or would even want to. Yet here I am, lol.
Good luck; I hope the two of you will work it out. In the meantime, you have loads of people to support you here.
![](https://images.obesityhelp.com/uploads/profile/2012733/tickers/kathy1212107882fcea7cb4b421654f975f9b458d.png?_=7847459242)
Pre-Op Visit: Jan. 10, 2017, weight 304, surgeon: Dr. David Lindsay, St. Joe's, Toronto
1st Day of (3 weeks worth of) Optifast: Jan. 11, 2017
Surgery Date: Feb. 1st, 2017
Kathy
on 6/23/17 7:08 pm
It's hard for spouses. My wife is a little overweight but nothing serious. She has been very supportive although she is getting nervous that I am close to weighing less than her.
If your spouse is heavy enough for WLS, there is a degree of jealousy. There is also the emotional part of not being able to face something that you faced! It's easier to be negative to you then to face her own insecurities. I get the worst comments from people, in general, that are heavy enough for WLS. Same issues that I imagine your spouse is experiencing.
Hi there,
I'm sorry you're feeling unsupported by your spouse. I suspect from what you've said that it may be fear related. The doctor is asking her to make changes, and maybe she feels like she has to, but isn't sure she "can" and that scares her. I know, and probably most of us know, the fear of trying and failing to lose weight and the impact on our weight.
Also, the desire for certain foods is real. Until recently, even though I've been thinking about WLS for years, I wasn't ready to do it because I wasn't ready to give up alcohol and certain foods. Not that I drink to excess, but it's part of social occasions, and I am very social. I would have felt deprived, and depressed.
It's possible that her questions to you are about processing a new lifestyle for herself. Is it possible when she acts judgementally toward you, it's not about you? I'm not there, so you are a better judge.
If you find maybe it's about her and not you, try responding to her with compassion rather than frustration. Who knows what may happen.
Good luck, and we're here for you!!
Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. Choose happy.
Opti -10 / M1 -25.5 / M2 -10 / M3 -14.5 / M4 -13 / M5 -10 / M6 -5.5 / M7 -9.5 / M8 -13.5 / M9 -0.5 / M10 -2.5 / M11 -2.5 / M12 +2 / M13 -5.5
Century Club and Onederland in month 7!!
You got good support.
I want to talk about the other side. 4 month post surgery patients are a pain in the ass to be married to. You are dropping weight in an effortless way. You have tons of energy. It's all about you you YOU. And that's what it's supposed to be. It's a magical year of just sliding down the scale and having all these great victories.
I thought I was so easy but my wife tells me "yes you were a bit of a pain". She said the thing that saved her was that I was on OH everyday. I brought it all here. A place were people get excited about the flavor of a protein shake or the thrill of fitting in an airplane seat. There are people going through the same exact thing or are pre-op and watching you and can't believe it's happening.
She was mildly amused by critter week since she's a big ole veg head.
My wife is disabled and so am I. We take turns it seems like. My wife lost about 100 pounds when I did because she was a newly diagnosed diabetic and she wanted off insulin. She did it. Her eating is different from mine.
We love each other no matter how much each weighs. It's stuff you got to work through going through this adventure.