Husband doesn't want me to have surgery...

My husband didn't want me to have surgery either. Finally, after he saw my health deteriorating, he said he would support my decision. I'll admit, it wasn't easy. I had complications and was in the hospital for 45 days. That being said, even my husband agrees it was a good decision. I've lost weight (although not as much as I want-LOL), I'm able to get around better, I take no prescription drugs now, and I'm much happier with myself. His reason? We have a 10 year old daughter. If anything happened to me, he wasn't sure he could raise her on his own. Your husband may be battling his own insecurities as well. Fear causes people to act out and say and do things they shouldn't. Next time he says something negative about surgery, ask him what scares him about the surgery. Open up the lines of communication.

I have been thinking about your post all day today. I have a question for you. What would you tell a friend who was dealing with your situation?

I am not being mean. I just know sometimes I have to turn the tables on myself and figure out what I would tell someone else who is going through with what I am.

I know a lot of times when we do this we have an answer on what I should do.

That's a good question. I would tell my friend to go on the road that makes her happy, with or without support. Try to get the husband on board, but don't try too much. Sometimes people just cannot change. It's the upbringing, the culture, the personality that it's a always going to be a roadblock.

People here really want to help. So please come back daily to read support.

I didn't want you to think I was being rude. I understand we can not change people. I can only change me.

My husband didn't like idea of having surgery for weight loss. We talked. He didn't like it but he supported me all the way. There will be people who don't understand extreme weight issues. I say if you want or need it...Go for it. Clothes are so fun. And self esteem goes way up. Maybe he's afraid of all the attention you will get.

Please thank your husband for sharing, ask him about what he is scared about. It is your body. It's the best thing I ever did, now 6½ years out.

Excellent article to share with your husband: https://www.nytimes.com/2017/02/13/well/why-weight-loss-surg ery-works-when-diets-dont.html

If you do decide to go for it, make sure you get an excellent surgeon. Do your research.

You need to do the surgery for yourself. No one else. I had a supportive husband who said "don't do it for me". And btw...him nagging you about your weight is not ok, it is disrespectful and chips away at your self esteem.

I suspect he may be worried that if you lose weight you will not put up with that crap anymore. And hope that is true! I suspect this is all a manifestation of his own insecurities. You can't control other people just yourself. Having said that. Taking him to TWH is a good idea, it may just educate him and assuage any fears he has about the procedure. If he is the kind of husband you deserve he will come around either before or after the surgery.

Thank you all for your replies. I think I've read all of them twice...:)

I thought about this issue a lot over the weekend and I managed to put some order into my mind.

There are 2 distinct and major problems: one is the constant nagging from my husband and the second one is the lack of support for the WLS.

The nagging usually starts with him trying to help me lose weight and his major issue with me is the lack of exercise. He believes that exercise is the solution to my problem. And from this, the discussion usually degenerates and we get into a fight. I am sure he has good intentions , but him trying to get his point across doesn't sit very well with me. And as most of you mentioned, the lack of education on the obesity subject is contributing to our fights. After so many years, we had our first normal conversation a few weeks ago regarding my weight and my feelings and he was a bit surprised of what I had to say. For the first time he listened to me, without having the "I know best" attitude, but nothing much has changed since then. We have a good relationship otherwise, he is a good husband and father, just extremely set in his ways of thinking. We honestly do not fight for any other reason than my weight.

The second problem would be his support for the surgery. I am not sure if I can ever convince him that this is the best solution for me, but he will not oppose me going for it. I am starting to build some support outside the house ( my sister, a couple of good friends) and hopefully he will come around too.

I really need to start being more open about WLS and keep him in the loop, but for now I just cannot take the negativity from him. I need to be 100% convinced myself that this is the best option ( I still have days when I doubt the WLS and have my share of mixed feelings) and then I will start talking more about this with him.

I want to thank you all for your time in replying to my post ! I have my first group meeting on Wednesday, I am so excited to meet former patients and listen to their stories!

Take care...

you may want to view/show him some of dr Weiner's videos. He's great at explaining the realities of weight loss and why things like exercise don't work....

https://youtu.be/qdJ2gFsyShw

My husband is an a-hole, for real. And now that he's a veteran and he tries to run our house like the military...BUT...he NEVER made me feel bad about my weight! Ever. He tried to encourage me to exercise and to eat better and seemed occasionally frustrated with my attitude toward him but he never made me feel fat and always loved me the same. At first he didn't want me to have the surgery, but it was because he didn't understand it. I don't think he ever really wanted to understand it because he's the "lose it the old fashion way" kind of guy but he told me that it was my decision and he would be there for me. He just told me the other day that when he looked at me he never saw a size and he didn't realize how big I was. Now I can keep up with him and the kids and nothing is holding me back so I feel our marriage is stronger than ever.

Don't push him yet. Go to meetings and appointments and leave the paperwork around the house for him to find. Maybe he will learn on his own and come around. I didn't spring everything on my husband all at once. I had to ease him into it. I hope this all works out for you.