Wow. Just wow. Some friends are just toxic

I'm 2 days away from RNY surgery.  Still on my pre-op diet of 5 shakes a day and going strong (down 86 so far).  I texted my wife yesterday to get a few items from Trader Joe's while she was out running errands.  I saw some items on their website that I thought might work well for when I transition to pureed and very soft.  She had mentioned she was thinking of stopping at TJ's after breakfast with some of her friends (it was just down the block and she only goes to TJ monthly).  I told her no rush, but if she stopped to look for a few items.  Let's see - things like frozen mashed potatoes (the nutrition profile looked about right for what my NUT told me I could have), the ever popular frozen riced cauliflower, low fat refried beans, low sodium broths, water packed flaked salmon and tuna in the can.  I thought just have them in the pantry for that wonderful and beautiful day (dreamming of it after 7 weeks on this pre-op diet.... lol).  With the mashed potatoes I didn't want to make a homemade batch, especially if it was just a couple of spoonfuls.  So I thought I'd try that to see if I tolerated that option.

All of a sudden I get a text back from my wife.  Her friends are actually yelling at her about my list.  After being harassed for about 30 minutes, she finally stepped away from her breakfast to call me.  Apparently, her friends think I'm a complete idiot for undertaking this surgery and were trying to convince her that nothing I do will succeed.   And this list was their proof of my, yet soon to be once again, complete failure at managing my weight. The fact that I was planning to eat mashed potatoes and refried beans as "diet food" was evidence that I was only going to fail right from the start.  My wife, who has been completely supportive and comes to my nut appointments and support group meetings,  tried to explain that it was on the reintroduction to whole food plan and besides it was just 2 spoonfuls of the stuff.  They spent the rest of the breakfast searching and calling out every negative RNY statistic and negative blog they could search up while sitting there.  

My wife was pretty upset when she came home.  She doesn't take that kind of toxicity well.  I just laughed and took out my post-op manual and we reviewed it together.  I also reminded her of my strong medical support team and that I was going to follow their plan to the letter.  She calmed quickly after that.

Sadly the whole thing made her so upset she forgot to stop at TJ's. 

These are her friends reacting like this?

You have to do what you need to, hopefully your wife understands and supports, and maybe keeping close to the vest is best.

Only my immediate family knew of my WLS, and they encouraged me, since I have had so many health issues over the last few years.

Good Luck.

Thanks.  Well they were my friends too for a long time, but they tend to exclude me now because I won't take their .... anymore.  Unfortunately, the ring leader of the bunch and my wife have been friends since grammar school, so this won't end anytime soon.  I regularly find them very entertaining in their irony.  The ring leader is very overweight and has virtually uncontrolled diabetes.  Yet, she had an order of large pancakes with caramelized apples, double order bacon and apparently ate someone's toast yesterday.  Mashed potatoes are bad for me - ha! 

Thanks everyone.  I appreciate your comments and advice.  It's a long story about her friends and I'll just leave it at that.  She knows how I feel and does stand up for herself with them often.  I suspect that they fed off some of her own concerns and confusion, which spun this up into a chaotic situation.  That's why I pulled out the book and we discussed the whys of the list.   Thankfully, the positive waves are stronger and more plentiful from my other friends and my relatives.  

Regarding the potatoes.  No worries and I appreciate the advice.  My medical team does allow those carbs, but bang into our heads protein first and to target.  What I heard at the support group meetings was that many had it hard during the first month and really relied on mashed potatoes and refried beans.  So I was just being a Boy Scout.   Also, potatoes and other salty things aren't a trigger for me (and hopefully stays that way).  I'm a sweet guy (caramel corn, cookies, ice cream....)

I'm sorry your wife had that experience - those women sound awful.  As for the mashed potatoes, I did eat them during my first few weeks post op, and they were a lifesaver, because I was having pretty severe nausea and they were one of the only things I could tolerate.  The frozen medallions from Trader Joe's are the best, definitely get some.  Very easy to cook and portion control.  I know many board vets advocate virtually no carbs, but I have been a bit more moderate in my approach and have still had very good success.  Obviously everyone is different and if something is a trigger you should probably avoid it, but I don't think eating a little mashed potatoes (or pudding, which I also had in the first few weeks) will kill you.  Just my opinion, of course.  Good luck with your surgery!

So sorry your wife had/has to deal with the crap!!

This situation is the reason I chose to share with very few this time. I had many naysayers when I got a Lap-band, and even more I told you so's when it slipped and failed.

Keep up the good work you are doing pre-op, and be strong!!

This is why I'm choosing not to tell people when I'm getting the surgery!  Some times Silence is Golden!. We need support of friends. We can't always tell when a friend will be supportive.  So in MHO just tell your wife not to say anything more to them about your surgery. Come here and to your classes to get your support.

People don't mean to be mean, they just don't understand!

I know many surgeons list mashed potatoes (and oatmeal, cream of wheat, etc) as soft food, but they are not a good idea. They are all carbs, and not at all helpful for us. The canned tuna and salmon are much better choices. Nutritionists often give advice suitable for slightly overweight, non-WLS people, rather than us. They push grains, carbs, and low fat.

As to the 'friends', people treat us how we teach them to treat us and how we allow them to treat us. It sounds as if they don't bother with you because they cannot get away with it, but they do it with your wife because they can. That type of behavior isn't friendship.

I am just over six week post-op and I ate a lot of refried beans in the beginning.  "a lot" - 1/4 cup at a time with some cheese melted on top.  I only ate them in the beginning... it is a rare thing now.  In the beginning it is hard to tolerate anything meat, at least it was for me.  Canned salmon is still difficult for me.  Yogurt, cottage cheese, those things are easier in the beginning.  I did try mashed potatoes but I love them and it became clear very soon that I could overeat them, so I stopped having them.  Eventually you can try poached egg, which are great for me now.

Good luck.  It is hard dealing with "the public" regarding this issue - I tell everyone who asks why I was off work for three weeks.  Sometimes they are surprised, other times shocked.  I consider it an opportunity to expand their tiny little box of reality.  But, I am also in a same-sex marriage so I am used to expanding people's tiny little boxes and treat it like a game

Please know my post comes from a place of experience, and isn't meant to upset you-or your wife.  ( BTW I think it's wonderful your wife is supportive. A supportive S.O. makes the entire process so much easier for us. ) All-in-all, you sound like you've got a good handle on this. 

Strictly speaking ( and playing devil's advocate ), mashed potatoes aren't the best choice, but they tend to be a staple on meal plans for the purée phase since they're bland and soft. They provide nothing nutritionally, and eaten often will slow down weight loss. ( same goes for oatmeal, cream of wheat, crackers, bread/toast, and most fruit juices. ) 

Your wife's friend isn't incorrect, BUT her message is seriously lacking context as to why they aren't a good choice and just comes across ( to this outsider, anyway ) as sour grapes and petty jealousy. She may know why they aren't a great choice, but she should have calmly explained why instead of just seeming to attack your wife about your choices and your decision. 

 Beans ARE a more accepted choice due to their containing some protein, so on that point- said friend can lump it. 

Not knowing better, I would eat an ounce of mashed potatoes after my protein during my purée phase. ( I didn't become active on the boards until I was 3 months out. If I had been on the boards from the start, I'd have known to avoid them all together. ) I stopped eating them after a few days because I found I wanted more and more of them, and was afraid that would mess me up since they were supposed to be limited on my plan. That I wanted more and more seemed odd to me because nothing else in my diet appeared to be doing that...later on I found out why they were trouble for me and came to know that very useful phrase: trigger foods. Potatoes were ( and are ) definitely a trigger food for me. I'm glad I dodged that bullet. I've had them since I've been at goal-and they're still a trigger for me. ( Damn it. ) 

All that being said, her friends sound horrid and like they need a time-out and a nap. ( and a stern talking-to. ) I'm so sorry your wife was subjected to that. I hate that she was blindsided by her supposed friends. She did not deserve such treatment. Toxic friends indeed. 

One of my friends was somewhat against the surgery ( she's also SMO ), but she kept her opinions to herself for the most part and any discussion we did have was calm and respectful. 

I wish you much success. 

Sorry for any typos...I'm well-known for them...haha.