An update...already!

So I had posted a week or two ago about my husband and got a lot of good feedback. As a result I have made every effort to not bug him about being more active. I also ordered him some B12 patches which came yesterday. 

So Sunday our church had its annual picnic and I joined the adults versus kids kickball game. I didn't ask him to play or bug him, just had fun. We were about one inning in when he ran out and joined us. He told me that night he had fun and said he knew it was time to lose 20# so he would feel better. I didn't say a word, just smiled and said ok! 

I know he's got a ton going on between work and our kids who run every direction, and just love him for being a great dad and partner in this crazy life. 

Congrats.

One step at a time, and patience.

It took my BF 2-3 years to ditch some carbs he was eating...like bread, waffles, and drinking milk... (i don't use milk) ... I did not bug him...but slowly I stoped serving bread with his meals unless he asked for it.. 

He lost 20 lbs because he started eating more like me at 50% of his meals. 

Great News, chassibi.  Last night at WLS support group, we went around the table saying what our favorite thing was about WLS.  A man said, "how healthy my family has become along with me."  Powerful stuff.

That's great news!  I'm happy for you both!

I am glad that you're feeling better about it. We've got to give them their own space to work things out for themselves.  

  My hubby is obese and is an insulin dependent type 2 diabteic.  He just found out yesterday that he has to have surgery on his hand because of pain.  The pain is caused by his diabetes (or so his surgeon says).  I really would love him to have RNY, because I know that he would benefit so much from the surgery.  His BMI hovers right around 35, so he would qualify for surgery.  I've mentioned it to him a last year, and he was resistant, but I haven't brought it up in a while.  Now that we have to plan his time off of work for surgery, I'll take the opportunity to bring it up to him again.  I try not to nag him about it, he's gotta do what makes him happy, but I would love to have him healthier.

I know newer post ops HATE when grads play the "grad card", but I'm going to anyways. 

When a spouse (and I'm not trying to stereotype women vs.men) but it's usually wives who do this to their husbands, if they are of weight, after a woman has bariatric surgery, it doesn't go well, especially long term. I've never seen a marriage survive, when wls is pushed. 

I get that you're doing this for your husbands health and ensuring your husbands well being. And your family's, if you have kids. But think about if you were pushed into wls or it was mentioned to you a lot before you were ready?

You wouldn't like it very much. 

What I usually have seen when this happens, when a spouse relents and has surgery before they are ready, is that men actually fare better. SO much in fact, that once they are pushed, the difference in time, between the wife having the surgery and the husband, is that by his 1st year, when he's seen a significant weight loss, is that he's is in a great place, and usually by the 2-3 year mark for the wife, she's struggling. From a biological point of view, as most females don't have a need for bariatric surgery, if they have fast metabolisms. Men are usually different, in this. They can eat more, still lose weight or maintain their weight loss, and a woman can start to gain. There's more arguments, more resentment. The hubby you saw who had NO problem eating a double cheeseburger with a double order of fries, starts to police you, if you eat a 1/2 an Oreo. 

I ain't making this crap up, it happens more than you think. 

I understand you may not like my categorizing you and I'm not. You may stay thin and acheieve all your goals, for the rest of your wls journey. You mean well by wanting him to be healthier. Maybe this will be something that's going to bond you, not divide you. 

But the best chance of that happening, is NOT saying anything about him having wls and just concentrating on your own journey. Because for those of us who are concerned about wanting to be of less weight, it's not something that goes away, once you reach your weight and health goals. It takes due digilence that most people will take a few steps forward and a few back. 

Better to remain silent and have him observe of all the positive changes that your wls has done for you and come to that decision on his own. And bond that way. Or push the surgery and if he's not ready, it won't work long term for you or him, both from a wls perspective. 

And a marriage one.

Think about it, carefully, before you bring it up again. I mean this with the best intentions. I'm not a know it all and most of us have great advice to give to others and it's harder when it comes to our own lives and choices. 

Peace... 

My husband would never have surgery just because I pushed him.  He has, in the past, talked about having surgery if he couldn't get the weight off and keep it off long term.  My bringing it up doesn't mean it will kill our marriage.  what it will do is show my husband that I care about him and want him to be healthy.  IF he chooses not to have surgery, I won't be upset with him, and I won't divorce him.  He's quite active, despite his weight and the ONLY reason I would  bring it up is because of his comorbidities.  He didn't refuse to have surgery when I brought it up because he is dead set against it, but he was hoping that my lifestyle changes would help him long term.  and it has, overall.  He's lost about 25lbs and kept it off.  Unfortunately, he's still taking Lantus and Victoza, and struggling with his blood sugar.  I believe, honestly, that I have some right to give him my opinion.  We are in our 40's and have a toddler that we have to raise together.  I don't want to end up a widow raising this child on my own because of his health issues.

I believe your opinion was given with the best of intentions, but I think you misinterpreted my post.  I am not coming at my husband with guns blazing giving him an ultimatum about surgery. my post op lifestyle is very much a part of our family.  I think having an honest and open conversation with him about his health and our future as a family is appropriate.

I'm with you, Deanna. As a partner, I do think it is right to bring it up. Not nag or force, but have a real conversation with your spouse about health issues and how it will affect both of you in the future. 

I was harsh to my SO after his stroke. He was not taking care of himself and it caused a stroke at the age of 46. I told him I wanted to live a long happy life with him and that would not happen if he were DEAD!! I told him that a lot right after the stroke and hounded him about his health until I felt like he was proving to me he was taking care of himself. Since then he does take better care of himself. He has lost 40 pounds, take his bp medication, and exercises every day (and I have backed off). He still needs to lose more, but for now, he is making a commitment to himself AND "us" to be a good partner for me so we can spend a lot of happy healthy years together.

Diabetes is serious and deadly. A close friend of mine is 250 pounds overweight and has diabetes. She is on the verge of having to have her foot amputated, yet she will not even consider weight loss surgery (and yes, I do bring up the subject when she talks about all of her health issues). I really hope it does not take something serious for your hubby to get the message. Hugs.

Please explain what you mean when you say:  From a biological point of view, as most females don't have a need for bariatric surgery, if they have fast metabolisms.

That doesn't make sense to me.