Struggling

Yes, I ALWAYS track my impulse stuff, everything that goes in my mouth...good or bad, goes into MFP.  So at the end of the day I know exactly what I need to hate myself for.  Which, saying out loud, scares me, but its so true.  The love/hate cycle with myself is a real struggle.  I want to be a person who can really LOVE myself, no matter what the scale tells me, but it hasnt happened yet.

Melissa, can I make a request?  Please don't say "what I need to hate myself for."  You're human.  I hate to see you give the power over how you see yourself to food.  Take back the power.  Look back on how far you've come and LOVE YOURSELF for that!  You should not hate yourself for a KitKat bar, or 2 or hell, even 20.  Don't give the food that power.  Yes, you're struggling at the moment, but I don't want you to lose sight of yourself, how awesome you are or in any way to let the struggle diminish your accomplishments.  No more talk of hating yourself!!!!  

Yes, the Oreo cookie company is doing a fine job in their temptation department.  Your wish for more helpful tips is granted:    I practice taking poor-choices off the shelf and then practice putting them back on the shelf. Last week, a rotten choice I was trying to justify leaving in my cart made it all the way to the check-out register.  Luckily, there was a waiting line giving me time to rethink.   A woman in line watched me place it by the magazine rack, so I said, "please excuse my weak moment."  She said, "Oh no, I'd call that a very strong moment."  Why it took her comment to make me feel strong but it did.  Maybe that's what OH does for a bunch of us---finding strength in numbers.  

this is such a great post.  I have to think about all of the times I put the box of junk food back.  I do that way more than I keep it in the cart.  

Oh, yes I've done this too, put it in the cart walk around then put it back on the shelf. Not everything makes it back though lol  It's probably why I have a goody/cookie closet. It'll be I only wanted to taste them, get my fix, then not eat any more. I still haven't gotten over throwing food away., cuz in my head I know I'll go back to the store & buy them, again., if its in the house then I don't have a reason to buy them, yet again.

Damn Oreos!

I am now crying right there with you! You are so brave and as others have said you are not alone. I am glad that we can all be here for one another. The struggles are REAL. Please let me know if there is any other way I can support you. I will be thinking of you today. 

I think accepting that the struggle will always be there- is part of the battle. I know I thought certain things would be "resolved" with surgery. (I.E. I love sweets-- dumping will cure that-- NOT!!) And knowing there will always be a battle with our 'old' demons in addition to having to adjust to this 'new' way of eating; along with having to shake things up when our body gets used to the 'new' way is all so damn overwhelming!!

Do you have a one thing-- bottom line-- a weight; habit, etc that is your marker for realizing your not going in the right direction? Preserving that "thing" has been critical for me-- its the thing that proves to me-- even if its not going ideally- I have not given up. 

I still bring foods in the house I know I shouldn't-- walking down the grocery store aisles is a battle between good and evil. Sometimes I have to pat myself on the back for good mostly winning. Give yourself credit for where you are-- there is so much more that could have kept you from being there that you DID overcome!

Hugs!

I believe that we are ALL in this boat.  I don't think you can find anyone here who says they never struggle.  We all are here because we have life long issues with food.  If they say they don't, I believe they are in denial.  A few of my thoughts are...

Is your therapist trained in eating disorders?  If not, maybe consider switching to one who is.  Sometimes we need to 'try out' a few therapists to find one who 'gets' us and is smart enough to see past our multi-layered defense mechanisms that keep us stuck in our addiction to food and how we use it to manage emotions instead of fuel our bodies.  Not always an easy person to find, so look around.  Definitely talk to your therapist, maybe even read him/her this post, and even the replies to help you move forward to a new, deeper level.  Be aware that you might want to consider seeing a psychiatrist to help with meds to curb anxiety and/or depression.  The right meds can make a WORLD of difference!  Being anxious and worried all the time is a huge problem in itself, and meds can provide some relief in about a month.

I'd also highly recommend finding an Overeaters Anonymous group (click the link).  Going to an actual meeting might just feel like you've found a new home.  You might need to try several meetings at different times/locations to find a good fit.  These people get it!  They are very helpful in addition to a therapist.  Check 'em out, you definitely won't feel alone there!

Get out of the house and get involved in something - anything that keeps you busy besides your job.  Volunteer someplace, or go to the library, join a book club, go hiking, just something that sounds appealing.  I think that helps us focus on other things and gets us thru the day easier.

Just know that we CAN learn how to let go of the millions of "what ifs" we worry about, and we can learn how to deal effectively with the daily struggle.  I believe it takes a combination of things (OA, therapist, meds, etc.)  OA says that food addictions are so difficult because you have to let the tiger out of the cage to stay alive.  (the tiger being our disordered eating)  It's possible that the reason you are binge eating is BECAUSE you are so afraid and anxious.  Learning how to put our health as the top priority is a complicated business and it will take a lifetime!  

The good news is that it does/can get easier!  There's no ultimate cure or getting over it permanently, we learn how to cope, we just have to be willing to do whatever it takes to get us there.  So just jump in with both feet so you don't drown!  

HUGS!

So I know that this is going to sound like I am trying to make excuses...and I know they are like ********everyone has one and they all stink.  But anyway here it is....

I work full time, and have 4 kids (2 teenage girls, a 5yr old boy, and a 2 yr old boy), and a husband that works 12 hour days 5 days a week, WITH a 1 hour commute.  I have ZERO time to go volunteer anywhere, or even join a book club.  I have been trying to go the monthly support group at the local bariatric center (not where I had my surgery), but never have anyone to watch the boys.  So extra time for ME isn't in the agenda.

I have looked into OA before, and just looked again, finding a meeting that fits my schedule, my kid's schedule and my husband's schedule is like pulling teeth.

Is there an online version of OA? I heard they have that too, it might fit in better with your schedule.