Struggling

I did not get much guidance from my surgeon's office, either. For most of us, maintenance is learned by trial and error. Most of us seem to have to keep calories between 1200-1600 to maintain. Others are lucky and can consume more. I tracked for a long time right after I reached goal to see where I needed to keep my calories. I cut back 500/day when I need to lose. I am a math teacher and love numbers!! 

As I drove to work this morning I was thinking about that I was 146 this morning on the scale.  Lowest so far. I thought, "That is cool. Kinda weird. " Then I thought to myself, "So...if I regain just 50 pounds I would still be under 200 and that would still be way less than I weighed most of my life.  That wouldn't be so bad."  

I fear and stress about not "if I fail" but "when I fail" pretty often.  I know that isn't healthy and I actively work to stop that thought train in my head but it crops back up regularly.  I struggle with feeling like any success I have had isn't mine.  It is just the 'magic' surgery and I fear that when my body decides it isn't fooled by the pouch anymore BOOM all of it will come back.  I know that isn't real, that the success I have had is in part my actions, that I am doing well and that I have the power to continue to be successful.  And then I think about failing as a given.  Rinse repeat.

You really aren't alone.  We all got here with a baggage cart in tow filled with food addiction and self hatred.  None of this is easy but we can do this for the long haul.  We really can.

Despite all the broken things in us we are powerful worthy and wonderful. You are worth it. I am worth it.  We will cry and kick and scream and fail...sometimes. And then we will get our crap together and get back on our horses and march on...together.

~Elizabeth

Darling Melissa.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE!  Never.  I struggle everyday.  I'm not flying through this journey like everything is peaches and cream.  I **** up everyday, at least once.  I know I'm far away.  I wish I lived near you, we could totally hang out and smack eachothers hands when they reached for the ****  

Look, it's lonely being a fat girl trying to get skinny.  I hate that I'll likely struggle for the rest of my life, and it is daunting.  all of it seems just too much. I don't know why I still hide food, and I don't know how to fix any of it, because I'm struggling myself.  I'm here with you sister, you are not alone.  Not ever.  I will never judge you, and even if you gain your weight back I will still never judge you.  but we just both need to keep the struggle going.  To do anything else is just not right and we both know that.  

So, have your cry, I'm sitting here in my living room crying with you because food sucks, and RNY sucks and not being in control of myself at all times sucks.  

Love you friend, you are not alone.

Well said - I shed a few tears myself.

It is important that we all realize we are not alone in this journey - at least we don't have to be alone.

I have such conflicting emotions when I read post like this, I feel thank God I'm not the only one! but then I'm "NO" is there no hope!

I want you to know we all have this struggle, I start again every day, its when you give up and don't Re-start that you are in trouble, please know that the people here are there for you, I do not post often but you really touched me, please don't give up this is a life long journey and it works, even days that you struggle it works, if your therapy doesn't seem to be working maybe you need to switch therapist?  Find one that works for you I have done that, I am seeing one who I feel helps, at least makes me feel better about myself even when I am down on myself she helps me see how far I have come. I just wanted you to know we all know that feeling and are there with you, keep coming on here and get motivated, it is ok to stumble along the way just keep getting back up and moving forward, I hope knowing we are on the same path and feel the same helps you. Be strong and remember there are alot of good days (healthy Days).

Thank you for sharing this. I have a huge amount of anxiety around these same issues.  I have lost and gained large amounts of weight many times and feel like a complete failure when it comes to my body and health.  I am terrified that I will screw this up too.  I do not know why I sabotage myself and years of therapy have not brought me any closer to figuring it out or solving the problem.  I too think about food all of the time.  It's not that I am hungry or even want to eat, but I am thinking about it.  I think it is so important to talk honestly about our struggles in this forum and for others to understand that this journey is different for all of us.  I am all about being positive but sometimes I need to hear, "Yes-- this SUCKS! It's really hard and always will be."  You are very brave and strong for being able to talk about it.

Ooh girl the struggle is real. I never could be the person who just walks by the aisles & not pick up something that I know I have no business buying. Like yesterday when I walked up the cookie aisle I looked longingly at the oreo cookies & they had this cookie dough one that I never tasted & I'm like ooh, cookie dough, when did they make that, never mind I have oreo cookies in the house, oh no I want that one & it stayed in my head like that annoying little devil over my shoulder whispering, you lost most of your weight, you can get them. Ok that day I didn't get them, but it still stayed on my mind.

Once I realized I had way too many carby yet yummy stuff in my house, I bagged them up & put them in my closet in the spare bedroom. Sure maybe it'll get to the trash, but right now I'm outta sight outta mind thing going on. It's easier to distract myself if it isn't constantly staring me in the face.

Just know that you're not alone in the struggle, wish I had more helpful tips. 

I don't have much stuff in my house that is horrible, we have gold fish crackers for the boys, and I am really good at staying away from them.  Its always the impulse **** that gets me, grabbing something while I am at Walmart getting other stuff and no one is with me...you know eating a candy bar on the way home...for no reason...just because.  THAT is the **** that gets me in trouble. 

Yeah, sometimes I feel guilty about putting the impulse stuff in mfp & then I look back & see what I ate,& it's like damn you ate that!, you was being piggy, you know better, all the negative **** pops up in my head, but 1 thing I promised myself was to be honest with myself, even if no one else knows, I know, just gotta do & keep more positive messages in my head.

One thing I try, is thinking yeah you can eat that, just not right now, then distract myself with something else. A lot of times it works, sometimes it don't. Things that worked early post op, doesn't do **** for me now. Finding new ways to deal with **** is always a challenge.