Bulimia Nervosa and RNY almost five years after surgery

Forgive me if this isn't posted in the appropriate forum, but it's where I might've liked to see it once upon a time. I never thought gastric bypass would cure my eating disorder(s). And it didn't. What I did get was an incredible reprieve for a couple of years. No, I never quite gave up purging, but at least the bingeing was made impossible in those early days. More importantly... always more importantly... I went from a high of 290 on a 5"9 female frame to a low of 153 in exactly 18 months. Friends and family told me I looked "emaciated." Funny. I was still 8-13 pounds short of my surgeon's "goal weight." Well, I guess that's the failure of BMI in such cases. I was happy with my body. (Mark those words, because I fear it will be the only time I utter such a phrase.) As happy as I could ever have hoped to be. Yeah, I was a little flabby and my face looked kinda gaunt sometimes, but I hadn't felt that good since my early-high school years. Also, another thing that I wasn't exactly prepared for was that I was (gulp) aging. Coming up on the big 4-0. And unless you've got a wealth of preventative treatment funds at your disposal, signs will start to show around that time no matter how youthful you've looked to date. Still... I was thin-ish.

Time and tides do what they do. I lied my ass off through the psych eval prior to surgery because I knew if I indicated an almost-20-year history of bulimia, I would probably be disqualified. Oops. My bad. I was also "underweight" at the initial consultation. Don't worry. I managed to gain the requisite seven pounds plus 15 more in the six-month waiting period imposed by my insurance company. Oh, and I made sure to wear ankle weights on that first visit. Clearly, I had done my research and wasn't effing around anymore at that point.  

Cue to surgery. It was awful, it was surgery. I was clinically depressed for three months after having my body cut open. Yeah, expect that to happen. I was open with my psychologist and psychiatrist (so I had that goin' for me), so wasn't completely floating out on a (Roux en Y) limb! But... I recovered. I got used to eating like a bird and attempting to shun carbs. And I peeled off the pounds. Around about month four, five-post, things really clicked. And I didn't even have to try! It just worked. I was never hungry. I had to force myself to eat the tiny morsels of protein-laden foods that would continue to fuel this fat-burning machine I'd become! 

And then somewhere around nine or ten months post- surgery, a new/old impulse began to tug at my brain. Verrrrrrrry slowly, at first. Not the hunger of old that I was so gleeful to bury in the ground, but still. A hunger. For food. Sometimes when I wasn't even thinking about eating. I panicked. It was terrifying. Mostly, I could sate it by just indulging on a few bites. But there were times I knew I ate too much and would get sick. I made excuses to go relieve myself among company. I'd puke in the sink when I was alone. Still... I wasn't bingeing! How could I, right? I mean, I'd sown my stomach nearly shut!

Well, imagine another year-ish of that philosophy. I'm not quite 'bulimic' anymore at that point, but still very actively disordered in all of my eating and food behaviors. I never adhered to the prescribed diet. I didn't need to. I was exactly in the weight range for the surgery to deliver all of the results I knew it could for me. All I wanted was to not be obese and suicidal over it. I hoped to become even thinner than that threshold, and I did. For about six months. And I'd be a liar if I didn't say that despite every other trial and tribulation I've endured, those weren't the best six months of my life.

What's crazy nuts about it is that I'm "only" 25 pounds and three years from that version of myself who I idealize so fully. I can recall telling my therapist at that time that no matter how good I felt, I was "still me and still sad." I could never shake my personality, tough I tried. The honeymoon period of RNY does have a shelf life. I haven't gained to the point of morbid obesity again, but it's not because of anything I've done to 'prevent' it. It could still happen. I've reinstituted coping mechanisms revolving around food. I've never gotten a full grasp on how to not be a ***** to French fries. Sometimes when I'm alone, I eat and puke and eat and puke four or five times in a night until I pass out. Oh, I also drink. So... yeah. I'll **** if OH actually publishes this. Too real. But I wouldn't have written it if I didn't need Obesity Help. I'm happy to reply to any responses or engage in a dialogue about any topic I've broached here. And please direct me to a proper forum before censoring me, admins. :)  

Are you getting some help to address your mental health? I don't think your post is so much about losing the 25 pounds you've gained. You know how to do that. (I don't mean purging).

And we are all *****s to some kind of food, or we wouldn't be here.

Please see a professional you can trust.

Hugs... Thank you for putting it out here. Raw and unfiltered.  First step is to admit you have a problem. Next - try to find ways to fix it. 

I don't know anything about the issues you are facing. I hope you find people that can help you. Good luck.. 

Bounceback regain in the third year is pretty much universal.  That is why it is a good idea to be emancipated for a while and be ten, twenty or thirty pounds less than what you want to be for life.

Your disorder is a trial to live with, and it is deeply ingrained.  You will have to decide a some point whether it is worth trying to find help and whether you want to do the work to stop the purging.

No one is going to censor you. It's not like you are encouraging anyone to try bulimia. Quite the contrary.

You know you need help. Please get it. And stick around to let us know how it's going. You might save someone from making the same mistakes.

How about we thank you for posting this?  We all have out own battle with food to overcome, and your story is another that we need to hear about.  You posted in the right place.

Please stick around, there are so many supportive people here that understand at least some of what you're going through.  We are a family of people with our own unique eating disorder.  As my Bariatric Nurse told me at our first meeting, you don't get to be the size we are without having some sort of eating disorder.  

Praying for you.

Thank you for your courage and vulnerability to post this. It takes alot to be so open. I have no advice. See your psychiatrist and psychologist. They can help! and if they cant - find new ones! There is a solution.  I am in AA, so i know where to find the alcohol solution.  Great program with tools for life. Maybe start there?

Honestly,I have often wondered about tge occurrence of eating disorders in post op people. It would seem we are prime for that type of transference addiction. 

I am not sure what physical damage you can do with purging, but given the size of our stomachs I would guess alot. 

You need to take this seriously and seek help. Especially since you are purging to passing out. Your could kill yourself by allowing your electrolytes to get off, I am assuming that is easier to do with our malabsorptive tendencies. 

This post was excellent, brave and right on point. It was a nudge for me as I have a history of extreme bulimia, while not active pre op I feel strongly I am/was likea dry drunk.... Binging but not purging. 

You had surgery to look good not be healthy, you have to decide if you matter and your health matters or your killing yourself through binging and purging matter.  I get bulimia I was bulimic prior to surgery for twelve years until I over heard my young son telling his friend not to worry that his mom puked everyday.  Now that was a wake up call.  I was teaching my son to be sick with an eating disorder.  I stopped and gained and was miserable.  I had rny because I was diabetic and my mother had died at 61 being diabetic for over 30 years.  I didn't want to put my son through that either, every one of my childhood memories includes my mothers blood sugar crashing to nothing and paramedics arriving or worse it happening on a volcano in Maui or in the middle of a European holiday.  So once I had the surgery I gave my self a real second chance which I refused to **** up.  You ****** up your second chance too. So where do you go from here?  You have to pick life or death, because we all know your current path is eventual unhappy death.  Life is the better choice, but it's harder, you have to grow up and stop.  Just stop.  You can but you need to want it.  I could say go get help but if you don't care or want to change you can talk about it forever and nothing will change.  No one can do any of this for you.  You have to mean more to yourself than anything else, your health, your well being, your future.  Looks fade, people age, life goes on, but life is for the living.  Care to join us?

Dear Anonon,

I wish I had an easy solution for you.  But I don't see anyone to censor you here.  If you want to curse go ahead - just put that into the title and people are warned.

All I can say is that I encourage all WLSers to transition from a weight goal to a goal of having a healthy relationship with food and your body (whi*****ludes weight, but more).  I was lucky that I came across a video from a doctor who said that when I was about 6 months post-surgery and it has made a difference for me.  I wish for you a willingness to consider that or something better for a future goal.  

Contact the best person for treating eating disorders that you can find.   Hang in there.