Nik has really insightful questions...

She helped me work through something recently.

Hi Cheremiste!  I do the SAME thing and I have since God knows when.  I remember eating like that when I was 9 years old.  Here's the deal:

You need to come clean to someone you trust, someone who will give you tough love, and who will help you hold yourself accountable when you can't...because right now, you cant.  I have been in that same boat.  I am STILL in that same boat and of all the things I lack to this day...it's that one person that will slap a bag of cookies out of my hand and then body slam me.  

Also, I think you need to start seeing a bariatric psychologist asap.  I do, and I had surgery back in 2009.  I didn't start seeing a psychologist until this year and I wish I'd gone years earlier.  She has put me in my place more than once and helped me open my eyes.

Try to minimize the time you are alone, even if you go to the mall by yourself...there are people around and you're more likely to hold yourself accountable.  Get involved in some kind of time-consuming activity.  You're a writer...write...or go to places that spark your interest and walk, observe, make mental notes...and then go back and write.  That could take forever.

I recently wrote an article about a cupcake downfall I had and it's on the home page of this site if you click 'read more articles.'  I struggle with food obsessions.  Try making a list of things that make you think of food and then make a list of how you can rid those things from your life.  I know that I personally don't hold myself accountable and if I have one bite of a doghnut, then I'm going to have the whole darn dozen.  I know that if I am around certain smells, certain snacks, certain people that justify my eating...then it's just downhill from there.  I can't even watch food on tv (which is what led to the cupcake issue).  

I am trying to have more of a common sense reality and examine what will happen inside my body if I eat certain things.  My internal organs will be over-compensating and working too hard.  I am damaging myself on the inside way, way more than I am on the outside.  I think that works for me sometimes, but other times it does not.  

Support is crucial.  I even read posts here to get through moments of head/gut hunger and cravings.  I don't always win; I'm not always successful, but I am trying, and every single little time I do make it is one more time that I can say I did, and I just hope those will start to pile up.  I wish you the best...confess to us here if it's too hard out in the world yet.  We are here for you!