To Tell or Not to Tell

Should I tell all friends and acquaintances?

I am 65 years old and currently going through all the pre-op requirements for RNY surgery. No date has yet been set, but I hope to have the surgery late December or January 2016. My current weight is 295.

Obviously, I am telling family and close friends of my decision to have the RNY surgery. I am retired and live in The Villages, a large "Active Adult" community. I am single and have many single friends and acquaintances that I have met in various singles clubs and who I see from time to time. I don't really consider many of these people as close friends. I am undecided whether to tell these people of my surgery or keep it a secret. I don't believe everybody needs to know my health issues.

I suppose I'm also considering keeping quiet about it, because I'm somewhat embarrassed that I have been unable to lose weight the traditional way and RNY surgery will be considered "cheating" by some people. On the other hand, my weight loss will become obvious (hopefully) and the truth is bound to leak out.

Have others had these thoughts as well and how did you deal with it?

I did not tell friends until I was at goal and they asked how I did it. My family and best friends knew from the start.

If you make an announcement now you will be irritated by people policing your food and asking questions. They will also tell you horror stories about their hairdresser's neighbor's cousin's inlaw who had the surgery and had complications, died, or gained all their weight back. You don't need their drama so don't set yourself up for it.

It is said that 95% of people cannot maintain a fifty pound loss for five years without surgery. I personally never knew anyone who could do that. So don't be embarrassed by being normal.

Most people will think you cheated. I answer that by saying that I took the easy way out because the hard way did not work for me.

White Dove, You are right on!!!!

If I could I would hit the LIKE button a thousand times. Some people have had success telling people via a lengthy email, but why.

When people notice and ask, I say a lot of hard work, which is very true. If they press for details, I say call me and we'll find a time and I'll go through the details with you. If they are just asking out of curiosity, that is the end of the conversation. (And it usually is .) If they are considering WLS for themselves, they ask for more info. When they are ready, and they ask, maybe after you've lost a bunch of weight, you'll sit down, share your experience, and maybe save someone's life. I am forever grateful for a man at work who made that offer to me. It took me 2 years of diet-failure frustration until I took him up and he sat down and explained WLS to me. I am forever grateful. (Thanks again, R, you know who are.)

Good things that come from telling: stops possible assumptions you have a serious illness when at goal weight, in the event you have a medical event and need someone to replay to ER staff you've had WLS, you want to share what a gift WLS is for you, paying information forward to someone interested in WLS, Bad things that come from telling: people looking upon WLS negatively, hearing comments that bother you, personal questions asked that put you on the spot.

If doing it over again, I would not share details to nosy-feeling questions. For example: How much weight did you lose? What do you weigh now? What was your biggest or current clothes size? You may want to rehearse answers and be prepared to repeat your pat answer until the more aggressive questioner stops asking.

Here's something I am guilty of doing that is wrong: thinking I have WLS RADAR. If someone has lost a bunch of weight in a short amount of time and claims diet/exercise only, I give "the look" as if to say, "I know you know I know." You'll experience "the look" if you choose not to tell and run into someone like me.

What White Dove said is spot on! I didn't think I was going to keep it a secret, I told just a few close friends and family. Not even my brother and father know but they live a bit farther away and wouldn't take the time to listen to my whole story anyway. I am a teacher and I only told my teacher's assistant what I was going through as I was trying to qualify. I had the operation at the beginning of the summer break and when I returned to work I was 35lbs down, just a few close friends said "Hey you look great!" It wasn't until recently at 60lbs down that all kinds of people have stopped me in the hallways saying, "Hey have you lost weight?" The other thing is only one person said hey what are you eating? I started tell her, high protein and before I could say anything else she said "Wow you look great" and moved on. Like White Dove said, if someone was overweight and reached out to me and really wanted to know what "my secret" is I would have no problem scheduling time with them and telling them my story and my experience. Was it the easy way out? Maybe I don't know but I have spent my whole life playing sports, dancing, running marathons eating spinach and chicken and never looking like a girl who did all that, I have some medical issues, thyroid and PCOS I was not blessed in the gene department so surgery was really the best option for me, I wished I did it years ago!!! That being said, I had the hardest time with my weight post having a baby so I am glad I waited until having a child to do have the surgery. Oh also I have had people say "HOW MUCH HAVE YOU LOST?" and I just say, "A good amount" because I don't want a weekly check in of "How much now?" Only a couple of close friends know the numbers and are totally supportive. Use your best judgement, not everyone needs to know your business.

Best of luck!

I didn't tell anyone except the people I love pre-op. I told everyone, via Facebook, when I was 5-6 months post-op and the outpouring of support I've gotten has been amazing. I highly recommend it. People are going to make up reasons if you don't tell them - I'd rather control the gossip to an extent. And I'm hopeful that my success will inspire other people to stop being ashamed of their weight and to take action.

I told everyone. But, I would not do that again. Men usually lose weight much quicker than women. I would tell people I am on a high protein, low carb diet and leave it at that. My neighbor has a home in the Villages. It is quite the senior hotspot. If you decide to settle down and have a long-term relationship with someone, I would probably tell them, but not dating friends. I would also tell my kids if you have any--that way they know you are going to live forever and not see an inheritance in the near future :)

Hi Lynn,

I am just curious why you say you would not do that again, tell everyone?

I've never known a secret that stayed secret. Sooner or later, people find out. I'd rather control the information, and decide when to tell them.

I told the people who were in my day to day life and my family of course. No matter how I was feeling at the moment, I put up a "I'm confident in my decision" attitude. I think that helps. Since then I do tell people if we have time to have a conversation. If it is just in passing I'll just say 'working hard' which is true. Except for a few close friends I do not tell people how much weight I've lost. A decision I made early on.