What words helped & what words didn't

My WLS support group focuses on the mental part of MO and WLS successes. Next month, we are discussing pre-WLS words that helped encourage change in health habits and what words were counterproductive. This topic has me stumped. I wanted to be accepted no matter what size I wore, but I draw a blank at words that helped me want to change. There is no problem recalling words that didn't help: "you need to get your head out of the sand and do something," "you don't care about anyone else but yourself," "you used to be pretty, what happened." Please share what words helped and what words didn't, more importantly, words that helped...

I don't know of ANY blaming words that helped. In fact, blaming me made it worse. My husband, who has known me both thick and thin, has been the most encouraging as I face this surgery (one week away now). He tells me he loves me for me and it doesn't matter to him if I'm fat or thin, he just wants me to be healthy and pain free and THEN asks me what he can do to help. He does most of the cooking since he is retired and I work full time, but he is also learning in this pre-operative stage to change how he cooks. We measure food together and he is learning that if he wants a potato or pasta, it is possible to make a single serving for himself and, I'm perfectly fine with protein and some green veggies. When we talk about portions post surgery, he's a little worried as it seems so small, but I have assured him I will be fine and will be taking lots of vitamins to keep up my nutrition.

I grew up in a skinny family and even though I was not fat as a child, my mother dragged me to Weigh****chers starting at age 14 because she believed I was fat was afraid I would take after my paternal grandmother who was heavy. As the oldest, I hit that growth spurt thing first and when I was hungry for seconds, she felt I was greedy and warned me I would get fat if I didn't learn to eat like a lady, that no one would want me if I was fat, and manufactures did not make cute clothes for fat people. To her, "fat" was 10 pounds over normal.

I quit using drugs, drinking and smoking many years ago and what helped me the most with those addictions was people telling me they were awed at my strength. I believe food is my current addiction... the challenge is that abstaining completely is not an option unlike with other addictions. Starvation comes with it's own set of problems.

Hi Cate! Good for you for already tackling such challenges. You are blessed to have such a supportive husband. I pray your surgery is "easy" and recovery quick. Congratulations! This journey is worth it and it sounds like you have the tools you need!

I had some words that I told myself that helped more than ones that didn't. For instance, telling myself "I don't eat bread" is a lot more productive than telling myself "I can't eat bread." It's a statement of what I do, as proven by experience, versus a declaration of something being forbidden that makes me want to rebel against a perceived external imposer. It made a huge difference for how I look at things.

As for words from other people, "cut out X" never helped. All-or-nothing suggestions were always counterproductive because I felt like I failed every time I had one bite of something that I was told should be off-limits. Advice for substitutions or things to eat (positive advice), like "try to eat a yogurt for a nighttime snack instead of a bag of popcorn," was much more effective than negative advice with no proactive solutions like "don't eat popcorn in the evenings."

Phrases like "I'm so proud of you for being proactive about your health", "I support you. Let me know what I can do to help", "You are doing a great job, and you are so worth it", "You inspire me to make changes in my own life", "Good for you for making the changes now instead of 5 years from now". These phrases I think helped. What didn't help was hearing "You have such a pretty face, if you could just lose some weight". I think phrases that address health and change are more valuable than phrases that address appearance.

Words that helped: "I think it is time to consider weight loss surgery, here are some names of surgeons to consider." "My wish for you is to be healthy."

Words that didn't help: "What you want to do is dangerous, risky and not necessary." "Even my mother thinks you are crazy for wanting to do this."

So many words hurt all my life. I was born fat...I weighted 12 lbs 1/2 oz when I was born. I got the you have such a pretty face a lot from those dearest to me. My mother would say she couldn't find school clothes big enough for me and always had a hard time finding them small enough for my sister. I played the yo yo dieting from the age of 14 Yep for 40 years! Even took over 3 years and lost over 100 lbs on WW only to gain most of that back! I knew myself I had to do something...as I aged.......weight got very hard to carry. I knew and told myself if I wanted to live to make it to retirement I had to get this weight off! now 79 lbs down I remember how much better I felt when I lost that weight on WW. I can walk again without problem...it feels so great to take a walk and not feel like I was dragging myself down the road! :) I too have a wonderful husband that told me that he loved me big or small that my weight didn't bother him....I stopped him in his words and told him I was not doing this for him I was doing this for me....I had to feel good about me and I wanted to be healthy!