Ditto to everything Lynn said.

Your body with the natural stomach will never adjust to getting very small portions so that you won't be hungry.  Part of what signals the body that you are full is the physical stretching/pressure that comes from the food in your stomach.  That will never happen if you put only 3 ounces of food in a normal sized stomach. 

Perhaps you could most effectively make this point by doing something I have had several clients do in similar cir****tances: ask her to join you in a "trial" diet where you BOTH eat only 2-3 ounces of food (measured!) 5 times per day, focusing on protein only, and taking in only about 500 calories total.  Based on my clients' experiences, she won't last more than a few days (if that), but she will at least understand why the restrictive aspect of WLS is so important.

There have been a number of studies that show that only about 5% of people who diet are able to lose weight and maintain their weight loss. Five lousy percent.  

Since your daughter also needs to lose weight, I suspect that part of her argumentative position has more to do wth HER and her weight than YOU and yours. The prospect of you having WLS may raise issues for her regarding how she feels about her own weight and her ability (inability!) to lose/control it,  as well as how she will feel if you lose weight and she does not.

Lora

well yes, I suppose it's theoretically possible that one could eat the same amount of food one eats after surgery and lose the weight without surgery, but could you realistically do that?   That would mean c. 800 calories a day (give or take a couple hundred, depending on where you're at) each and every day for a year or more.  I couldn't do it.  I tried - repeatedly - for years and years.  I'd lose between 30 and 50 lb**** a brick wall, and then back up it would go.  I got tired of fighting it - and I knew I couldn't do it.  I'd tried.  And tried.

If you could just "eat like you had surgery" without being miserable and ultimately self-sabotaging because your body feels like it's starving, we all would have done that rather than go under the knife.

So true.

I backed out of surgery TWO times (yep I did the whole process) THREE TIMES before I finally committed.

Each time, I thought that I could lose the weight through diet and exercise.

All that happened was: 1) got fatter (like 275 lbs MO), 2) I ruined my back carrying that extra weight around, 3) limited my work/socializing opportunities and while I had good boyfriends...I kinda wonder what I WOULD have attracted in my 20s looking the way I do now, 4) got obesity/excerise induced asthma, 5) wasted about 2-5 K worth ofmoney on diet programs that did not work (aka jenny craig, WW, the wedding dress diet, SB and others), and 6) wasted 10 years of my life on diets that didnt work.

Why do you need to explain anything? You're the one having surgery, not your daughter. The downtime (if things go well, which they usually do if you follow your surgeon's instructions) is minimal, so it's not like she's going to be stuck taking care of you for months. It's nice to have familial support, but not necessary. Your daughter is a grown adult person and you should be able to relate to her as such. 

I cannot even imagine trying to satisfy my pre-surgery stomach with post-RNY amounts. What she's asking you to do is MORE torturous than any surgery. 

Jen

Hi sumaire,

I think everyone has provided some helpful suggestions, but I'll go ahead and add my own. I was lucky in that everyone supported me, except for my husband.  After two years, he finally got on board(ish) and I brought him to see my surgeon and my endocrinologist on two separate visits to ask all the questions he possibly could.  Getting answers from actual doctors seemed to soothe his concerns.

When people have asked, "Why don't you just eat less and exercise?" I give them a very simplified version of what my surgeon told me:

When someone gets to be my size, their body's metabolism and hormones can change drastically.  In my case, my body holds on to every calorie as if my body were starving, so any weight I do lose gets put back on double.   The surgery not only makes the stomach smaller, but it readjusts my hormones and metabolism so that my body is like a "normal" person's.  It's a lifetime commitment, but it's the healthiest and strongest way for someone who is this size to lose weight and gain back their health.

*hugs*

Sending good vibes,

-LB

Fat people like company 

I explained to my family this was something I was doing for me!  I have always put everyone else before my needs.  My family has watched me struggle for years with my weight and the toll it has taken on my body.  I told them "IF" something was to happen....they had absolutely nothing to feel guilty or sad about....this is was entirely my decision and something that I want so I could have a healthier life and enjoy it more.  They all stood 100% behind my decision.  They want me around longer....healthier and off all of my medications.  My thirty one year old daughter (who has never had a weight problem)....drove me to have the procedure done and drove me back to have my IVC filter removed later.  She was with me all the way....she wants me to be able to shop, travel....just be with her!!

This is a very long post, but is a copy of a letter that someone gave to me when I had the very same concerns from my family before my surgery.  I found it very helpful:

To all "Significant Others"

I want to talk to all the husbands, wives, mothers, fathers, boyfriends,
girlfriends or any other "significant other." If your loved one has asked
you to read this section, congratulations on doing so. I have gone through,
and survived, what you are probably experiencing now and know that I can
offer some words that will help you to deal with it.

About two years ago, our family doctor recommended that my wife see a
nutritionist about her weight. The nutritionist suggested several plans for
her to lose weight, most of which were the standard: more exercise, better
eating habits, identifying why people eat emotionally, and taking prescribed
weight loss medication. One of the
suggestions, however, was for her to have weight loss surgery. I was
shocked. How could this man come up with this? Does he really know what he
is talking about?

My reactions then, were probably the same as your reactions now. I know what
most every one of you was thinking when your loved one told you that he or
she was considering weight loss surgery. I can hear your thoughts and your
words now as I am writing this.

"This is a major operation!"
"You are perfectly healthy!"
"You could die!!"
"What about the family?"
"What about just one more diet?"
"You are not THAT overweight!"
"How can they say that you are morbidly obese?"
"Why do something that will change your life forever?"
I could go on and on.

How do I know what went through your mind? I know because I had the very
same thoughts and emotions. I think that anyone who finds out that their
loved one is "volunteering" to undergo such a serious operation is naturally
concerned about the consequences of such a drastic procedure. I use the word
"volunteering" because at that time, I did not fully understand the "need"
for the operation. I was worried about how this operation would change her
life. I was worried about how she would feel when we would go out to dinner
with friends or when she attended a work
related function that was centered around food. I was worried about the fact
that some surgeon was going to literally change her insides. Cut some parts
here. Reconnect some parts there. This surgeon was actually going to
re-route my wife's intestines to places that God never thought about. I was
horrified. I was scared. I was speechless.

And with all my worry for how this would change my wife's life, I also
wondered how this would change my own life and our family. How could I eat
in front of her without making her feel bad about not being able to eat
more? How could we go out for dinner and a movie? How would I go on if she
had complications and died? It is amazing
how many thoughts go through your head when you are panicking about the
health of your loved one.

After I got over the initial shock, I was able to think a little more
rationally and talked over the options with Barbara. After hearing what she
had to say, I still could not accept the fact that she needed such a serious
procedure. After much discussion, I talked her into trying another diet. I
would help. I would go on a diet with her. I would do anything to avoid the
operation. Being the wonderful person she is, she agreed to try one more
time. She went on another diet and watched what she ate. She went to
nutrition classes. She exercised. She did all the things that the
nutritionist originally suggested except for the surgery.

She did lose weight but she was not happy and was in constant pain from her
back. This is when I started to learn about something called
"Co-morbidities. " Many times when people are overweight, there are usually
other problems happening now or problems that will develop in the future.
Barbara was in a car accident many years ago and has had back pain ever
since. The increased weight on her body was not allowing her to live life
without pain. Some days the pain was less. Some days the pain was more
severe. But there was always pain. This additional
problem that is associated with the weight is called co-morbidity.

Being overweight makes a person vulnerable to many other problems like
diabetes, high blood pressure, heart attacks and something called sleep
apnea, when the person actually stops breathing when they sleep. Barbara
didn't have any of these other problems then, but being overweight made her
a prime candidate for developing these
problems in the future.

Another problem that is not classed as co-morbidity is "quality of life."
Barbara was not happy about her weight problem and the ever-present back
pain. She missed going shopping with our daughter, Erin, because she could
only walk for a short time at the malls. She felt bad that she could never
fit into the slinky outfits that she wore
many years ago. She loves playing golf, but her back would be screaming at
her after playing only nine holes. Playing 18 holes of golf was absolutely
out of the question. She was taking prescribed and over-the-counter pain
medication, going to a chiropractor several times a week, and even got
treated several times at a pain center at
a local hospital. She was told that the treatments would give her some
temporary relief but would not cure her problem, as long as she was heavy.

The turning point for me to accept weight loss surgery was one day when I
found Barbara in the kitchen and in especially great pain. She was crying
and sitting in a chair with her head hanging low. She looked up at me with
her beautiful blue eyes that were now red and full of tears, and said that
she was tired of being in pain all the time and wanted to go ahead with the
surgery. My heart melted. I looked her in the eyes and I knew in that moment
that we were about to take a new direction in our lives. I could not
continue to see the person I love most in this world, in so much pain and I
could see that weight loss surgery was the only way to ever find an end to
her misery.

Barbara had the pain, but your loved one may only be overweight. My use of
the word "only' should not be taken as an indication that there is not a
grave problem. To be considered for weight loss surgery, the patent is
normally 100 pounds or more over their ideal weight. We have a cat and buy
kitty litter in 33 pound containers. To get a full appreciation of what an
extra 100 pounds feels like, try strapping three of those containers to your
belt. Now spend a couple of hours trying to live your life. I would not be
surprised if you gave up after only a few minutes.

As the years go by and the person you love gets heavier and heavier, (which
is typically what happens), co-orbidities will surely develop. At some
point, you and your loved one will be faced with the horrendous fact that
the weight will never come off with conventional means, and the quality of
life will deteriorate to the point that there will be a spiral down hill to
early death. With every passing day you will notice only small changes and
think that there is not a big problem. But things will be slowly getting
worse until one day there will be a terrible disaster. It is absolutely
critical that something be done to manage the weight problem and it must be
done now. Any further delay will only add to your loved one's misery and
mounting health problems.

If weight loss surgery has been recommended to your loved one, I urge you
from the bottom of my heart, to open your mind to the seriousness of the
problem. Make an effort to educate yourself about all aspects of the
surgery. Keep in mind that your loved one is in physical and emotional
misery and desperately needs your help.

This is great.  Thanks for sharing.