My before and Durings :)
For years I ate my emotions. Happy, Sad, upset, mad, bored...all of them I ate. I still find myself after a long hard day going into the kitchen, opening the fridge door and looking.....sometimes I win that battle. Sometimes I dont, but when I dont I make sure that I grab 6 slices of cucumber instead of the poptart that looked SOOO Good!
In my area it is very rural and there are not many counselors or psychologist around. I have read a LOT from the vets on here. I have cried myself to sleep at night cause all I could think of is how "ice cream would fix everything". Its been tough! I have found that in the past I used my weight as a shield. I grew up in a very physically and emotionally abusive family. I was raped when I was 13. My first marriage the man was physically, sexually, emotionally abusive. Thru all this I gained more and more weight. In my minds eye (at the time) It kept men away so I wouldnt be hurt, it kept friends laughing (cause I was the typical funny-fat girl), it kept enemies away cause who would want to tangle with a 300lb bear. :) Now, I have found that I used it as a shield when really the only one I was keeping away was ME. When I hit under 200 lbs it scared the crap out of me! I had panic attacks because I realized that a man could be stronger than me and hold me down. I realized that all the time I thought my so called friends were laughing WITH me were really laughing AT me. I realized that I was strangling myself all the while trying to keep others at bay. Before I WANTED to be the life of the party and now I have social anxieties. I do not want to be noticed in the crowd. I prefer to have a quite weekend with my kids instead of the huge get togethers I use to host. I went from a exaggerated extrovert to a perfectly happy introvert.
BUT through all of this I am happier now. I began to find the REAL me that was scared, angry, sad and still very afraid. I have learned to stand on my own 2 feet and to live. For a couple months I was a basket case! I couldnt tell if I was going mad or what was happening. It was then that I took the first baby steps at trying to heal myself. I found the best way for me to deal with the problems in my mind is to journal. I also found that just getting out for a walk or a swim or going to the gym eases my tension and anxiety.
Sometimes we need more help then we are willing to admit and sometimes we can get a handle on what we need. If you feel like you need more help then please talk to a therapist. I have had friends who have had this surgery, lost the weight and their "demons" came back. The insecurities were too much for them and they just couldn't do it and hence gained all the weight back and then some. I refuse to let my insecurities make me who I am anymore (except for the fear of large crowds) :)
Thank you so much for this. You seem very insightful and self aware. That's scary. It sounds like you are new all over, inside and out, and are able to be the real YOU now. How awesome! Sounds like you lost friends through this process, or so-called friends. I'm sorry for that. But, you are honest and true and healthy for your kids. God Bless.
