How do you deal with 'Skinny Shaming'?

pammiv
on 7/13/15 2:17 pm

I am almost to goal - another 17lbs - to be a normal BMI.  This is the goal my surgeon and I discussed before surgery understanding that I would most likely go up a little and then steady out.  My question is this - I went to a shower for my ex-husbands niece this past weekend.  Two of my ex sister in laws (who always gave me unwanted advice on how I should lose my weight over the years) approached me to tell me I looked way to skinny.  This was a few seconds after arriving to the shower.  One of them kept going on and on about how she was concerned for me and people around us even started to look and listen.  I have not told my ex family members about the surgery - I see them only on special occasions maybe once a year at that so I didn't think I needed to inform them.  

My questions is this - I feel good, keeping a goal I decided with my surgeon but still have about 17lbs to go.  I feel great and realize I am still in my honeymoon and that I need to level out and keep working on maintaining this but also don't want people asking me at parties if I have an eating disorder.  I am private and I don't think I need to tell people all about my surgery and choice either.  I am honest and say I am eating very low carb, watching my portions and moving more - all true.  If someone struggling with weight answers - I give them a more specific answer and tell them about my experience IF they want to hear more about it.  

I know these are people who aren't there for me but want to lecture and gossip - any suggestions from the pros on good ways to steer these conversations to a positive place?  

RNY December 17, 2014 LW-Apple-Gold-Small.jpg image by PlicketyCat

        
Grim_Traveller
on 7/13/15 2:31 pm
RNY on 08/21/12

If you really don't want to talk about it, don't try to steer -- hit the brake. Trying to redirect questions will only get you more questions. Just firmly say that it is not a topic you will discuss.

6'3" tall, male.

Highest weight was 475. RNY on 08/21/12. Current weight: 198.

M1 -24; M2 -21; M3 -19; M4 -21; M5 -13; M6 -21; M7 -10; M8 -16; M9 -10; M10 -8; M11 -6; M12 -5.

Corrie33
on 7/13/15 2:44 pm
RNY on 02/09/15

I'm just going to sit back and wait for some replies... because I'm in the same boat as you.  I still have several family members (the gossipy, lecturey, nosey, non-supportive types) that I've chosen not to tell, and I know I'll run into the same thing at our next family function.  I'm dreading it.  My Mom is the only one that knows, and she's sworn to secrecy (bless her heart). 

It seems too rude to tell people I just don't want to discuss it.  And avoiding the questions just creates more intrigue and talk.  Not telling the "whole story" makes me feel uncomfortable and like a liar... so I'm still looking for the simplest solution.  

Good luck (to both of us!)

GOAL REACHED! 170 lbs lost...

RNY: 2/9/15 (age 52), Ht-5'9" HW=304, SW=292, GW=155, LW=134, CW=147

Mo.1 -29lbs Mo.2 -18lbs Mo.3 -13lbs Mo.4 -11lbs Mo.5 - 14lbs Mo.6 - 10lbs Mo. 7 -11lbs Mo. 8 -9.4lbs

Grim_Traveller
on 7/13/15 3:10 pm
RNY on 08/21/12

The simplest solution is to just tell them. They'll either hear it from someone else, or come to the conclusion on their own. 

Tell them. If you get negative feedback, cut them off short. But for the most part, people worry way too much about this. You might run into one or two asshats, but people are really pretty good with the news.

6'3" tall, male.

Highest weight was 475. RNY on 08/21/12. Current weight: 198.

M1 -24; M2 -21; M3 -19; M4 -21; M5 -13; M6 -21; M7 -10; M8 -16; M9 -10; M10 -8; M11 -6; M12 -5.

H.A.L.A B.
on 7/13/15 3:34 pm

a nice way to tell them to \back off is to say:
"I know you mean well, and i do appreciate your concern, but I really don't feel HERE and NOW is a good time and place to talk about me. Let's concentrate on XYZ.. ok? " 

Smile and walk away...

Hala. RNY 5/14/2008; Happy At Goal =HAG

"I can eat or do anything I want to - as long as I am willing to deal with the consequences"

"Failure is not falling down, It is not getting up once you fell... So pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again...."

Oxford Comma Hag
on 7/13/15 3:34 pm

A hearty "*******"?  

Seriously, I was pretty matter of fact about having surgery, and no one thought anything of it; or if they did, they kept it to themselves. Establish and enforce boundaries now with these people.  

I fight badgers with spoons.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255

Suicidepreventionlifeline.org

AmyDee123
on 7/13/15 4:53 pm - Lutz, FL
RNY on 06/12/15

I love the "*******" method! 

LapBand Weight 460 (2006) | Panni Removal Weight 200 (2008) | 3rd kid (2009)
Revision to RNY Weight 355 (June 2015)

    

Cicerogirl, The PhD
Version

on 7/13/15 5:16 pm - OH

That was my experience as well.  I told people (most people not until after surgery) and no one said anything negative about it (even if they were thinking it).  At 45 years old, 5'3" tall, and 330+ pounds, I think everyone knew it was the right decision if I didn't want to die in 10-15 years!

Lora

14 years out; 190 pounds lost, 165 pound loss maintained

You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there.

Dartmouth
on 7/13/15 3:40 pm - United Kingdom
RNY on 05/20/14

Hi...I have had the same problem from people who know and those who don't, some family members and some "friends".  I reached a "normal"BMI about 3 months ago and my face is a bit gaunt, but I am so comfortable and relaxed...I wear a size 4/6 down from a 26, I run races with my grandaughter( she always wins), and I love my skinny jeans.....and this is what I do...

 

I say to people who say I am too skinny....I feel so relaxed and healthy and comfortable at this weight....and then I smile.  If they continue, I say that the doctor who has been supervising my weight loss is very pleased with my progress and I have been very lucky to have such a caring and knowledgeable doctor, I haven't been this healthy in years.....then with a smile, I say ( if appropriate )...would you like his contact details?  (  I tell people if they press me about how I lost all the weight that it was with the help of a NUT, doctor and trainer.....I am not lying, all this is true)

 

And if this doesn't work, I smile (this time with gritted teeth) and I turn around and walk away knowing that they are staring at my little tush seething...Too bad, their problem,

 

good luck....this is a problem that is not yours.  It is how you feel about yourself, healthy and strong.  That is what is most important!

 

joan

Karen R.
on 7/13/15 3:43 pm - Amelia, OH
Revision on 09/10/15

Sometimes you just need to set boundaries, assure them that both you and your MD agree, you are healthy and your weight is within the normal limits for your height and age.

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