Feeling lost in uncharted territory and worried about sabotaging myself again

I've hated shopping for clothes as far back as I can remember, at least since kindergarten. But for the past 6 months, I've had fun shopping in my closet for clothes from the last two times I got down to about 200 lbs. Lots of them were hardly worn because I bounced back up again very quickly both times. When I started running out of "backup clothes," I started anticipatory shopping at thrift stores. Well, today I tried on some finds from last month, and I officially wear a pant size 12 and scrub size medium.

I thought I'd be excited, and I am, but I'm also pretty freaked out. I have literally never been this size -- from the time I moved out of (plus size) kids' clothes, I was in a women's 16. It's mind blowing to weigh less than I did in middle school, and I'm kind of scared for the future. I set a really ambitious goal of smack dab in the middle of the normal BMI range, so I'm nowhere close yet. I don't want it to seem like I'm not happy, because I'm thrilled, I'm just feeling really lost, like I don't know how to be this size and shape yet. Does this get better with time?

What particularly scares me is my hunch that this discomfort in my own body at a size I'm not used to is why I ended up sabotaging all my past weight loss attempts, each time spending less than a month at my lowest weight. This time that discomfort is even greater because of the amount of saggy skin...my bat wings are so huge and deformed that it's really difficult to even find shirts that fit (I end up wearing a lot of tank tops with the one sweater I have that fits my arms, even though it's 95 outside°).

What can I do to make sure I don't sabotage myself again? I see my therapist on Friday, but I thought some first-hand insight would be helpful too.

TIA, and sorry for the long rambling post. I just took Nyquil which makes it hard for me to string a coherent thought together.

My progress hasn't resulted in perfection but it sure beats where I was.  I still fear failure, but the intensity has lessened.  Some things I do to ward off self-sabotage:  1) record food/supplement/exercise/water  2) attend support group in person and online  3) keep regular medical appts  4) make and do small goals  5) worry less  6)  focus on looking the best I can with my hair, clothes, nails, makeup  7) follow a strict routine with the WLS rules of protein first, vegetable second, no drinking with meals, exercise, resist grazing, and more  8) eat only for nutrition and not for celebration, stress, or boredom  9) even though I don't think of myself as cured, I try to pay it forward by helping others, living right, living happy, and being at peace 10) stay away from foods, people, places, or situations that trigger old habits.

We all sabotage ourselves; that's pretty much how we got here.  You are headed in the right direction - therapy.  In the past 11 yrs I have stayed commited to my therapy.  Fortunately for me, my therapist also had a gastric bypass, so he gets it.  Sometimes I look in the mirror or see my reflection as I pass a window and say, "who's that?"  Good luck and be good to yourself, you deserve it!

Just gonna pop in here and say the most important thing...

CONGRATZ ON GETTING TO THE LOWEST SIZE EVER!!!

Thanks!

Getting used to the new you takes lots of time. I am three years out and still will pull clothes way too big for me off the rack when I shop. It took me at least a year before I could see that I was smaller than the people around me. The thing that helped most was to see myself in pictures in relation to other people. It's a great idea that you are seeing a therapist because he can relate and really help you to see and love the new you. I started out at 272,was 260 at surgery and now weigh 117-120. I am 5'6.5'' and have been this weight for over 2 years. I think I was probably in 3rd grade when I last weighed this as I was obese even as a child. It is a battle every day to keep the Old habits buried but I feel so good now that the fight is worth it. All you peeps keep me accountable too so thanks for that!

Thanks, it's great to hear from someone else who had no memory of a "normal" to get back to, and especially to hear how well you've done. I completely agree about pictures -- it's weird, but I can't see a difference in the mirror, but I do completely in pictures.

I believe a little fear is a good thing. I still fear regain at almost 7 years out. It keeps me on-track.

You did not have this tool in the past to help you. Use it well and you will be fine. If you fall back into old habits, you will regain. Always remember that.

Keep up the good work!!

Love seeing a reply like this once in awhile, helps keep me in check!

Congrats!! Toss out ALL your back up in case I gain clothes NOW !!