3 months out from surgery...and I am not in a good space (this might be too much for...

I don't know why I am posting this.  Well actually, I do.  This is a pretty anonymous site, so I feel like I can say what I need to and I will probably never meet any of you.  You may judge me and that is more about you than me.  I am seriously struggling.  I have lost a lot of weight and I am obsessed with the gym so my body has changed dramatically.  And that, in all of its goodness, is making my body a difficult place to be.  I am a survivor of incest and thought I had done all the work that I needed to do on that.  Heck, I am a Social Worker! I have been to so many therapists and spoken in so many conferences about my story that I should have my **** together, right?  So far from that.  "Being in my body" is not a fun place for me.  The weight I think kept me somewhat safe.  I felt in control of my sexual self.  This new body (and I am only 3 months out) and having to focus on what my body is doing, how it is changing and the new more "fit" curves that are coming is triggering me...every single day.  So I have reverted to old patterns of behavior.  It is like if someone looks at me or speaks to me in a sexual way I feel like I must comply.  I have been "sexual" with 10 people since the middle of April.  Now, usually I say things like "I am a sex positive person" and that no one needs to comply with what "society" deems appropriate or acceptable.  But I know, I am not naive.  This is way bigger than that.  This is not me being sex positive.  This is me feeling like that little girl again who could not understand the difference between love and sex.  I so desperately want someone to love me yet I am still stuck in traumatized thinking.  My therapist retired about two months ago..and I have been to see a new one, but not so sure it is a good fit.  The hard thing is that I know exactly what I am doing and why I am doing it but I cannot get out of my own way...it is like a very "present" disassociation.  Maybe this post is too much but I think by putting it out here in cyber space I am taking the first step in holding myself accountable.  

If your new therapist isn't a good fit, please find someone else.  It sometimes takes a little while to settle in with a new therapits, but when it isn't a good fit the signs are often there right away.

You know what is going on, but you need someone else to help you deal with it and work through things, so having a therapist that you trust and "click" with is important.

I have worked with a lot of women who were sexually abused as children, and I now work with WLS candidates and people who have had WLS but need ongoing therapy.  What you are experiencing is very common (which you probably already know), but isn't very healthy (which I know you already know).

Hopefully, there won't be anyone here who will judge you. If they do, then shame on them because they have not walked in your shoes and dealt with the trauma that you have lived with, and they don't understand the effects of sexual abuse on self esteem, sexuality, and psychological development.

You understand intellectually what is happening, and you are being honest with yourself about the situation and your responses, so that is a great start.

Lora

My heart goes out to you. It sounds like you are really struggling, but please bear in mind that you are BRAVE for posting and reaching out. The emotional/psychological aspects of losing weight are way underplayed by most WLS professionals in my opinion. Many of us have a multitude of issues why we became heavy. I was warned that quickly dropping weight can be quite triggering for many people. We lose our 'invisibility' or the 'force field' that being large can provide, and it sounds like this may be the case with you.

the only advice I can give is to continue to seek out a good therapist and be totally honest about how this is manifesting. Group therapy is great too. Recognize the reasons why this might be happening now and don't beat yourself up.

Please be safe if you are in a place where you are engaging with multiple partners. Good wishes.

I can totally relate.  I have a history of sexual abuse and just had surgery one month ago.  I am so craving approval from men that I put myself in unhealthy situations.  I know what I am doing but can't seem to stop myself.  Not having food to suppress my feelings has been overwhelming at times.  All these feelings have come up since I started on the liquid diet pre-op.  I am a therapist as well and can't seem to "fix" myself.  It is amazing how many layers of healing need to occur when someone has been traumatized.   I wish I had answers for you but I can say you are not alone.

There are times for big internet hugs, and this is one of them.  Just as a start, while you are "sex-positive" but still working through your personal issues, why not abstain from sexual activities for a while.  Once you have relaxed into your "new normal", then restart your personal life (kind of like having PTSD;  you don't go back into a war zone if you can help it.)  

You are a brave woman;  do what is best for yourself.

Hugs... 

I know that even with no history of trauma, once I lost the weight, I went through a period of rather high sexual appetite. My hormones were out of whack, plus the "new body", atracted different type of men, and until I got a grip on it. It was a very new high...  I don't feel bad or good about it. Not ashamed or proud. It was what it was. 

But eventually, I got used to getting male attention, and become very selective and careful in my actions. 

Eventually, I found my soul mate. 

Hugs... You have a long way.  

My thoughts and prayers are with you.  I was banded in 2008 and dropped over 100 pounds.  I didn't know how to deal with the male attention at all.  Even though my band slipped and I had problems with it, I was definitely self-sabotaging because I didn't want the attention any more.  I went through therapy before my revision and I hope I'm in a better place to deal with things now.  

I hope you can find a good therapist and be gentle with yourself.  You deserve it.  

hugs to you . after surgery hormones get way out of whack. i remember feeling like a sexual animal. i too was more sexually active at the time immediately following RNY. i'm not a sexual abuse survivor, but i can see how adding that trauma on top of a huge hormonal change would be scary and overwhelming. you have a handle on what you need to do, and not do. be gentle with yourself, find a therapist you click with, and please know that you are supported here. 

We want you to stay safe and continue your journey to get healthy - in all ways.  Your post was a good step!

Hang in there. 

It took a lot of courage to write this post. Sending you hugs and stay strong-you got this!