"Hatchet Face"-what my mom called me.

Is your mother blind? She must be either blind or crazy, if she thinks you look like you have a Hatchet-Face! You look absolutely beautiful in your photos! It's sad that the only way she can relate to you by demeaning and criticizing you. 

BTW- when I read the title of your post the first I thought of was the character Hatchet-Face in the film Cry-Baby! The exact opposite of what you look like! 

I think its terrible and I am not at all defending your mother by what I am about to say but just sharing a similar story. I am like you, but now 50 and your mother is like my parents.

my parents are total over achievers. Mom is a doctor and dad is an engineer. I am an only child. They always thought I would also be a doctor, that I would marry within the tribe and have 2.5 perfect children.

none of that happened.

when I informed my parents of my choice of partner they said that they were totally against and would not take part in it. So they didn't come to their only daughter's only wedding. Too bad. I had a great time. No negativity and no stress for me.

now...21 years tomorrow actually, I realize the depth of the pain they must have felt when I sent them the card and picture in the mail informing them of my marriage.

lucky we are still married! Otherwise the "I told you so"s would never stop from here to eternity.

i have three almost adult kids now and it is not always roses between us. Sometimes its more thorns. But I am walking a mile in my parents' shoes now and I understand a few things much better.

my dad once told me, not so long ago, that my career (I have worked with the United Nations for 24 years now and am Chief of HR of one of the UN Agencies based in Geneva, so I'm pretty successful and accomplished in my work) was the biggest surprise of his life.

sound familiar? If its bad, that is the way it was predicted. If it is good, its a surprise! So I was hurt for a while but I know he is coming from a place of love and wanting the best for me. From his perspective and if I step back from the hurt and just think about it for a second, the comment makes perfect sense as an expression of concern, relief and pride at the same time.

I have been really lucky and I have worked hard and merit my success. But if I were totally honest with myself, knowing what I now know, I would have been even happier and even more successful had I followed my parents' advice and guidance when I was a young person.

my parents didn't always say the nicest things. They didn't always do the nicest things. They weren't particularly great parents (although they are getting better with time, and now that I am 50!) and they said plenty about my obesity...such that I told them about my surgery less than 24 hrs before it happened.

but my parents made me and contributed greatly to the me that I am today.

i didn't just happen to grow up strong and smart and successful and beautiful all by myself. They did have something to do with it.

for all her lack of filters and terrible choice in comments, I suspect your mom loves you a lot and has also contributed to the beautiful, strong and successful woman you are today.

i am so glad she is at your wedding. For what it is worth I wish I could turn the clock back 21 years and have my parents walk me down that isle. But I can't.

i didn't just put a country between us, I put a country AND an ocean. Yet they come once a year for a few months (!!!) and we go to see them as well. They are great grandparents to my kids and they have never in 21 years said anything mean or impolite to my husband. Their filters are perfect, other than with me!

parents are not perfect and kids...well..that's a whole 'nother story. If I gave my parents a tenth of the heartache and worry that I have from just one of my three kids then I guess Karma really does exist and boy is she ever a *****!!!

have a lovely wedding and I wish you all the best in life with your husband to be! A harmonious and loving life. Be happy. Stay connected to your mom even when you don't like her and when you don't feel like being around her.

sorry for such a long post but I feel like we have a similar story.

I read your post and I cant quit crying...... I have had so many issues with family and treating me badly because of my weight. 

My sister was always skinnier then me.  But she was that way because she was bulimic.  She didn't even start her period until she was 18 because she was so malnourished from not eating or throwing up.  But my family including my mother would be like look at your sister she is so beautiful and skinny.  When I was a freshmen in high school I felt pressured from school too because of my weight and I wasn't even big at the time.  So I went to my mom and asker her about it and told her I would like to lose a little weight.  She said she would help me.  Her way of help was to put locks on the refrigerator and cabinets and give my sister the key to eat what she wanted.  I don't know if I will ever get over that.  That is when all the over eating and gaining weight occurred.  I used to steal money from her to eat two lunches at school because I knew when I got home I would only have a very small amount to eat.  SO I gorged myself at school to deal with my emotions.  The sad part of all of it is that all of my family is big now even my sister.  Even though I am still the biggest I have had no support from my family at all in this.  Not one of them even came to be here with me for the surgery.  I literally had to get people from my work to take me and help with my girls.  I am a single mother so really made it hard for me

When I would go to family gatherings they would look at me to see if I would get seconds on food.  All my family was smaller than me.  One time my grandfather made me tell him how much I weighed and when I went to get a second hotdog him and my aunt made fun of me and he told everyone how much I weighed.  Now my family says why did you get that surgery you know you cant eat and enjoy anything.  What if you get too skinny?  I have heard nothing but negative things.  Only a few in my family treat me as they should.  I know I probably should shut them out more.  But it is hard to have to shut out not just one person but pretty much your whole family.

I haven't been home in over two years.  I am going to try to go home for my girls sake next year because they are close to my grandmother.  I am really worried how I will be treated when I will have lost a lot of weight and how they will look at me when I cant eat much and they can.

It is a constant struggle for me and has affected me greatly.  I am more successful then most anyone in my family.  I am finishing up my bachelors and just got a 98 in my college course for this term. I have moved up more then anyone without a degree in my company.  I have worked very hard to be a great mom to my girls and a hard worker.  I cant say that I am perfect due to how I was raised but I really try hard to be a difference in their lives more and better then anything I ever experienced.

I think I have for the most part let my success and raising my girls block out my past.  But it does come up on occasion when I think about things or when family says something negative to me.  And when I read your post it really made me sad that anyone could be like this to their kids.  I hope I can be like the ones that have posted on your post and find a way to cope with it all better.  But I am still in the stage of wanting her to be a mother to me and not accepting the fact that she will never be a mother to me. 

Big hugs to you!!  You are not alone.  You are beautiful!!  don't continue to let this bring you down girl.  Maybe your post is what a lot of us needed to get through our hurtful patterns from our loved ones as well.  Thanks for sharing your hurt to help us overcome ours.

I just read your post and one thing struck me powerfully which I must comment on.

You are one tough woman and you should feel immensely proud of yourself.  Look at all you did!  You had to have friends and co-workers help you out for your surgery - but you DID that.  How determined where you to do so!?!!!  WOW.  You're in college (I too was a college student as a single mom - hard hard HARD ass work - I went through my Masters), but hot damn am I proud of myself for doing it!  And you should be too!!

I haven't spoken to my mother in FIVE years - my choice.  She stuck her nose in my business with my son - I had a loooong lunch with here where I very politely, but firmly, explained that if she ever did that again, our relationship would be over.  And she ******g did it AGAIN.  And I was true to my word.  She's miserable and lost and lonely (so I hear from my brothers), and STILL won't accept responsibility nor apologize for anything ("Apology is an admission of guilt").  But y'know what?  It's sad in one way that she's not in my life, but way better.  So yes, while you and I had icky childhoods (and we ate ourselves 'better'?  Shocking!), we DID something about it - and are getting better.  We chose life.

I'm very impressed by all you wrote and I think you're an amazing person.  You go girl.   

Thanks so much for your kindness :-) I am amazed by you as well. You have done great. I know there are a lot of others who have been in our shoes but we both worked hard to break out of that to give our kids the best. Thanks so much for your kind words. That lifted me up more than you will ever know.

masters wow.... That is so awesome.... I will let that be my inspiration to get Mine as well. That is sad that you had to break your relationship w your mother. I am just glad that God sends people to be there for us when our family isn't. 

I did this surgery to be healthier and set example for my girls. Hope when they get older they will say mom thanks for being the best you could be. And if not at least I know in my heart I have done the best and loved them so much.

i will read your posts about your journey. You are further in yours than I am in mine. But again thanks so much :-) 

I think your mom and my mom read the same ****ty book of parenting advice. Growing up, my mother always made it clear I was a constant disappointment to her. She constantly picked at me: my weight, the width of my shoulders, the size of my breasts, the way I was not pear shaped as she is (which she considers the perfect shape). She always did things for other people's children and not for me.

As hard as it is, ignore her. Her negativity comes from her. I don't know why your mom pulls this crap any more than I know why my mom pulls this crap, but if she is as similar to my mother as she sounds, emotional distance is one way to protect yourself for her crazy train of emotional crap.

Be well. Congratulations of your wedding.

Jeeeezus.  Whack-Job!  I've got one too.

BUT - this is YOUR life now and just cuz she's embittered and lonely and and jealous and lost, it's not your problem.  You look AMAZING... and NOT sickly.  You look healthy and happy and whole.  So **** 'er.  And you're right - the trick is to not engage - it's been my motto for over five years now and it works.

Congrats on the big day and please post pics of your gorgeous self and new hubster for us!!!  

Reading your story and these replies, makes me so sad. WTH is wrong with these parents? I have two sons who are very different, but they are both the loves of my life. I will never favor one over the other, or make them feel the need to compete against one another.

Growing up in a family of four girls, there was always the feeling that we each had our role to play. My oldest sister was the crazy one, the next one was the good one, after her was the pretty one, and then there was me, the smart one. It was so hard to be compared that way, and made each one of us feel guilty in one way, and like less than our sisters in other ways.

I'll be 42 in February, and only in the past year has my father told me he's proud of me, and that he always knew I'd go far in life. Until then, I never measured up to whatever it was that he thought I should be. I knew it was pathetic to be so happy to hear him finally say he's proud of me, but when you grow up never hearing it, and never even hearing I love you, it's nice to finally get that little bit of validation.

I vowed when I learned I was pregnant the first time, to never, ever, make my kids feel the way that I always felt. My boys get lots of hugs, kisses, I love You, and I'm so proud of you. If nothing else, they will always know that their mother loves them for who they are.

I hope your wedding day was the most amazing, beautiful, happy, day of your life!!