Zip lining ultimate goal and I can't bring myself to do it. :(

So I'm sitting here at Forever Florida. I'm supposed to be going zip lining. I can't do it. I still see myself as 440lbs. I can't bring myself to climb the tower. I'm afraid I'm going to break **** I feel so horrible I've been fighting back tears. This was my ultimate goal and I can't do it. I've already missed out on a bunch stuff. All that's left is the zip line safari. I'm devastated right now. I know in my head I have nothing to worry about but as soon as the steps on the tower start to wobble I get paralyzed and can't move. Tears well up in my eyes and I'm just stuck.  Even during some of the worst depression I've never felt as crappy as I do right now. 

Well the day is over and I didn't do anything. Wasted $135 and I'm devastated. I've worked so hard for 13 months for this. And what's worse is I've been parasailing and bungee jumping and a bunch of other extreme adrenaline rush type things. It wasn't even the ziplining or various zip rides that scared me. I just couldn't get passed climbing up the tower. I feel like such a failure. The fact that I still loathe myself as much if not more than before is so disturbing and devastating to me. And what's worse is I just feel like no one understands. My bf is supportive but I feel like he just doesn't really get it because he's never been overweight a day in his life. As far as the rest of my support system goes I am so upset with them.ITs a long story but basically I want nothing to do with either of them (mom and brother) which is also devastating because they have been so amazing the last 18 months with all this surgery stuff. I'm sorry for ranting. I just don't have anyone in my life who even remotely has a clue to what its like being obese. I could really use a hug and some assurance I'm not alone. To those who have already responded thank you so much for the kind encouraging words. I appreciate so much.

Jules you weigh half what you used to, climb that tower! Live your dream, you can do it.  Have courage and have fun.

aww I am so sorry for you! I know how that feels. I used to sit out on the side lines while my husband and son did that stuff. But now I do it with them. Just breath, and keep repeating to yourself that you are no longer that person who was 440 pounds. You can do anything you want! Then go do it. You will love it, Zip lining is a lot of fun. I have learned that sometimes taking pictures of your self and them comparing them side by side helps the brain see the new you!

Thanks. I have taken TONS of pictures. I actually enjoy being in them now. It's weird, I used to think I looked better in person than in pictures, now I feel like I photograph better than I look. Ziplining looks like a blast, I just couldn't climb those stairs. It's disappointing. I just can't wait to get home this afternoon and see my kitties. They make everything better.

I get it. I still sometimes see myself as super morbidly obese and get anxiety attacks in public 'cause I feel people are jeering at me (yes, I realize how stupid that sounds). You are not going to break anything. Is there someone to go with you and cheer you on? DH has given me several pep talks and been supportive when I have frozen up in public.

Thanks. My boyfriend was there and he was trying. Sometimes I feel like he's patronizing me and I don't mean to but I get annoyed and just want to snap at him and tell him to shut up because he doesn't know what it's like. I don't because I know he's sincere and it's just my old MO insecurities acting up. Actually the entire group was really kind and supportive. I just couldn't do it. I'd get up about 5 of the 7 stories and the wind would blow or the stairs wobbled/tower swayed and that was it for me. I tried repeatedly for like 3 hours. I'm not normally afraid of heights and I don't think it was being up high that was bothering me. I was sincerely afraid the tower was going to fall over, despite watching about 10 different groups of 10-12 people over the course of the day go up that same tower 5 times each (there were 5 different zip rides in total all originating from that tower or one of the two next to it. It's so heartbreaking. For a year I've been planning this and talking about it and now I feel like I'm going home with my tail between my legs, ashamed and a failure. It's a really lousy feeling.

Gee whiz, I am sorry. You are not a failure. (hug)

Even if you do not do this.You have come so far.You are amazing that you lost so much weight.You are scared because you have never took chances.Now you are trying something you never did before you are scared.And it sounds like you are working yourself into a panic attack.You need to hold your head high.You have reached a bigger goal. You lost an amazing amount of weight.I hope you feel better and put in your mind what you have accomplished so far.

Thanks, I appreciate it. What is bothering me so much is that I used to be such an adrenaline junkie. I've done things way scarier than this, although this was before I ballooned up to 440lbs. I was still big, actually bigger than I am now by probably a good 50-60lbs. Maybe more, actually it was more. I was in a 24/26 jean, now I'm in a 16. So yeah. I am just so heartbroken over this. I've been planning it for over a year. I've been working with a psychologist and I really thought we had worked through all these issues but after yesterday, not so much. Anyway, thank you for your response and your kind words. Happy New Year.